Illusions
by SignsofSam
Summary: Haley's life has always been different until one event forces her to Tree Hill, where she has many firsts: friends, a real family, and a first love. But will she ever truly be able to escape her old life? CHAPTER Nineteen Feb. 18th! COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: there won't be many of these. This story is already written...i'll post one chapter a week, on Friday or Saturdays. **

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM OTH; HOWEVER I DO OWN THE PLOT!**

**Chapter One:****The Big Brick House on Asberry Blvd.**

**November 4th  
  
What's the worst that I can say?  
Things are better if I stay  
So long and goodnight  
So long and goodnight  
_HelenaMy Chemical Romance_ **

1 day: 1 440 minutes.

**  
It's surprising how your life can get screwed up in only 1440 minutes. How it can be turned upside down, inside out, mushed and molded into a much simpler form that usually can't ascertain the much more complex meaning. All in less than 100, 000 seconds (86, 400 to be exact).**

**  
God, I must sound like such a fruit, you know? Either that or a nerd. But really, I guess I'm not far from that nerd status. I get straight A's, I was 150 points away from a perfect score on my SATs, I've won a lot of scholarship money from some men in tuxes that think my writing is above suffient. Whatever. How can they really judge who I am or what I stand for? They don't know me. No one really does, to be truthful. They don't know what I've been through, where I'm going, what I think.  
I am simply Haley James. No more to it, no less. I'm 5'3", I weigh only 100 pounds, go to Central High School in the middle of what could quote-unquote be called 'the ghetto.' Our crime rate? Let's just say that we have at least 6 murders a week in this neighborhood alone, mostly over gang-territory and drugs.  
**

**Ah, the silver lining. Drugs are about as abundant in this neighborhood as guns are. Enough said? Not really. My parents supply most of these drugs. Such a big secret off my chest (sarcasm people!) I heave a sign of relief that I have told somebody. No, it's true. The meth lab is the kitchen is proof. Why have I yet to tell somebody, you ask? Because I'm not willing to lose my life because the cops on 6th need to fill a quota. Yes this means my parents would kill me over losing their drugs.  
So I deal. And I wait for the day to come that somebody will notice, will ask what the hell is going on in apartment 6-D overlooking West Lancaster. Until then, I will wait. After all, patience is a virtue. **

_In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. _

Blaise Pascal

I pray I will someday see the light in faith.

Haley sighed, setting her pen in the gutter of her composition book, leaning back against the headboard of her bed as she heard the short, chopped heckles of a man in the living room of her apartment. No doubt another trade completed by her father and mother. She looked out the window of her apartment to the apartment building next door, into Jase's room. He was sitting there, typing away at his computer. Her best friend, Jase was seventeen as compared to her sixteen, a senior compared to her junior, her brother in relationship. He was 6'7", a broad-chested football player, one that helped lead Central to the State Finals, up for a scholarship to get out of this dump.

Jase looked over and gave her a sympathetic smile. He knew what it was like to be in her situation. His brother had died because he was a gang leader, and a new man wanted that authority. She gave him a slight wave, which he returned, nodding to the fire escapes located outside each of their bedrooms. She stood, stretching slightly as she grabbed a hoodie and slipped it on, joining him outside in the cool, breezy weather. "What's up, girl?" He asked, sitting across from her on their conjoined fire escape.

"Nothing. I really need to write a paper for English, but I'll get around to it when I get around to it," she answered with a laugh, moving to sit beside him.

"And I'm sure it'll still be better than something I could work on for days after days."

"Probably." She nodded toward her apartment. "They've got some dude up there."

"Ah. Poor Haleybob."

"Yeah. You wanna call the cops for me?"

"Um, no. You know they wouldn't believe me anyways," Jase answered as she brought her knees to her chest, biting her bottom lip. "Plus, I'm selfish and don't want my best friend to leave me in this dump alone."

"Oh, yes, I could imagine it. Trading West Lancaster for a big brick house on Asberry Boulevard," Haley responded with a laugh. Asberry Boulevard…the preverbal Newport Beach of their large urban town.

"I can see it, Haley. You were meant for somewhere like that."

"Only in your mind. I'm too crude for them, I'm too…..I'd have to take an etiquette class. Or two. Or three. Or a whole lifetime-full, but whatever."

Jase laughed, looking at his friend. She was so small compared to him, but absolutely gorgeous. Her long auburn hair fell down her shoulders and back, lightly curled at the ends, with big chocolate brown eyes that were filled with raw emotion 99.9 of the time. She looked so innocent, in her gray sweats and tight black shirt, with her old, beat up pair of white Adidas on. If he didn't already have a girlfriend he was in love with, he would definitely persue her.

"Hey, you need a place to stay while.." He nodded to her apartment, "_they_ hash out their deal, you can stay with me."

"No, I'll be fine; I always am," she answered with a laugh. "I gotta go…a paper awaits me. This is my fate, my destiny…" she said dramatically, kissing his cheek. "Later playa."

He laughed, amused at her use of the current language. Haley would never say the word "playa" instead of "player" or "wit" instead of "with"…she was the one to correct all that. "Later, Hales," he bid, waving her off.

Haley climbed back into her room, hearing shouting in the living room. "Drug deal gone bad," she commentated to the empty room with a laugh. "And kiddies, this is why we don't do or _deal_ drugs."

She opened her door, walking down the small hall until she could see the people sitting on the couch. Two men, dressed alike in black pants and dark blue shirts, white bandanas tied around their shaved or cornrowed hair. Her parents were sitting opposite the two on the other couch, fine white powder spread over a small amount of space of the coffee table. She watched from the darkness as her parents conversed among one another. She sighed, turning back to her room, quietly shutting and locking the door before climbing into her bed. She first kicked off her shoes, pulling her hair from her ponytail. She covered herself with her three thick blankets, bidding the cold a goodnight.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"JIMMY JAMES! LYDIA JAMES! THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!" Haley's eyes shot open, and she sat up in the bed, pushing hair out of her face as she turned on a lamp on her nightstand. "JIMMY JAMES! WE HAVE A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST! LYDIA JAMES! WE HAVE A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST! OPEN THE DOOR OR WE **WILL** OPEN IT OURSELVES!"

Haley pulled on her hoodie over her tight shirt, pushing her hair into a ponytail. She opened the door to her room, glancing at the closed door of her parent's bedroom. They had probably passed out after doing so much coke or speed or whatever the hell they had sold this time. "JIMMY AND LYDIA-"

"Hold your horses a minute," Haley groaned, undoing the seemingly millions of locks on the door before pulling it open to stare at the cops. "Can I help you? 'Cause I swear it's like two in the morning and I'm _really, really_ tired and I have school tomorrow."

"We're looking for Jimmy-"

"-and Lydia James, I got that much from the screaming. And do you really have to scream?" Haley complained, going into the kitchen to grab a Sprite, giving the detectives a full view of the meth lab. "Yes, this is a meth lab. My parents built it. They're in their bedroom, stoned or high depending on whatever the hell they sold tonight. I'm going back to bed."

"You're Haley James." She stared at the detective for a second, sipping her can of Sprite.

"And you didn't graduate very high up in your class, did you? Yes, I'm Haley, welcome to my humble adobe," she snapped.

"Miss James, watch your tone of voice-"

"Bite me. It's two-fu¢kin' o'clock in the morning, and I have school tomorrow, where, I might add, I have to write a paper before second freakin' period, okay? Don't start with me about my tone of voice!" she yelled, glaring at the man.

"Miss James, go sit in the living room."

"To hell with it. Don't order me around!" She shoved past him into her room, climbing back into her bed. As soon as she saw la-la land, she was jerked out of it by three voices. She opened her eyes to see her oh-so-favorite detective, another cop, and a woman. "Can I help you?"

"It's time to leave, Miss James," the woman said, hoping Haley wouldn't question.

"What time is it and where am I going?"

"Two-fifteen and to the station," the woman answered.

"Who are you?"

"Chelsea Monahue." Haley looked at her questioningly.

"And that means-" she helped the woman on. "And I'm seriously gonna throw something because it's two-fifteen and you won't let me sleep."

"I'm a social worker."

"Uh-huh. Why is there a social worker here?"

"You realize you can't stay with your parents anymore, Miss James."

"I shouldn't have been staying with my parents in the first place, _Chelsea_; what does it matter now? Besides the fact that they're going to jail?"

"Haley, I need you to get some stuff packed like clothes and I saw you had a journal, so probably that, and I guess your bookbag; we can have the detectives bring back things like CDs and stuff."

Haley stood, looking around her room. She grabbed a bag, throwing some clothes in it, as well as her journal, and a couple of battered up pictures and books. She wrote a quick note to Jase, and under the careful eye of the detectives and the woman, she walked out onto the fire escape to tape the letter to his window. He'd see it in the morning.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"Haley, follow Detective Lane, right there, into the Interview room?" Detective Jonah Ross (aka her not-so-favorite detective) suggested gently to the girl. Haley nodded mutely; it had finally hit her that her parents had both been arrested, and he found her to be both frightened of what could happen in the future and nervous. "She'll get you something to drink, maybe some food?" he suggested. He had handled lots of teens before, especially in Lancaster, but most of those were in for commiting the crime. He wasn't used to a child of the accused.

Haley followed the detective pointed out, shock still numbing her body and her mind. She sat where she was asked to sit, pulling her knees into her chest, chin resting on her knees. \

"Haley, can I get you anything to drink?" Lane asked the girl, who didn't respond. "Some Coke? Sprite? Coffee? Tea? Water?"

"Tea," Haley barely whispered, wrapping her arms around her legs.  
\

"And something to eat?" Haley shook her head, biting her lip. "Haley, you're going to be okay. Just tell the truth."

"The truth? What is the truth, beside the fact that I got sh!tted out of good parents?"

"Haley-" the woman tried to console the girl, who shuddered away from her touch.

"Please, don't touch me," Haley asked, more as a warning.

"Okay. I'm gonna go get your tea."

Jonah Ross was looking at a file of what they had compiled about Haley James in the last thirty minutes. She went to Central, a gymnast, had a flawless 4.0 GPA with every place from Harvard to Lancaster Community College looking at her. "Jonah, you asked me to inform you when we had Haley placed?" Monahue called, coming into the room, cellphone at her ear. "Um, yes ma'am. Lydia James. Uh, she knew you probably from college, these records indicate she'd be in her late thirties? Yes ma'am. You were the contact person on Mrs. James' records at the hospital from Haley's birth. I know that was a long time ago. Haley is going to need somewhere to stay, her parents were caught selling drugs, there's no next of kin…of course. Um, just call me back at this number when you find out your flight and I'll give you the rest of the information. Uh-huh; she's actually pretty…shook up about it. Yes. Of course. Thank you, so much. I'll get the paperwork started." Monahue hung up the phone. "Haley is going to Tree Hill, North Carolina."

"North Carolina? That's a far cry from Illinois," Ross admonished.

"In this case, the farther away, the better. She's in total shock, Detective Ross; she needs to get away from this place or it's going to kill her," Monahue stated firmly.

"That's true. Listen, I'm gonna go talk to her-"

"Of course, Detective. I'll be here awhile."

Ross nodded, walking into the Interview Room. Haley was nursing a cup of hot tea, Lane watching her. The woman left as Ross came in, setting down his folder. "How are you holding up, Haley?"

"Not well?" Haley answered bewilderly.

"Okay. Just try to answer what questions I ask as honestly as you can?" Haley nodded.

"So, you knew your parents were selling drugs?"

"Anyone in that neighborhood knows my parents are selling drugs," she answered. "I tried to ignore it; they cause a lot of problems. A lot of gang memebers would follow me home, threaten me."

"Why didn't you every call the cops?"

"Again, a lot of gang members lived in my neighborhood, and um, they looked to my parents for their quick fix," Haley answered. "I'm surprised they hadn't blown up our apartment with the meth lab."

"So you knew your parents were selling drugs and you did nothing to stop it?"

"No, I didn't."

"Because of the gangs?"

"One reason," Haley responded.

"What's another?"

"Um, there's a lot."

"Well, what's one other reason?"

"My parents probably paid off the cops that roamed our street. There was no one to go to," Haley whispered.

"Doesn't surprise me. Can you tell me anything else?"

"Um, I think they commited murder?" The cop stared hard at Haley. "I was…was twelve and I had just come home, and ALL I saw, all I've based my theories on, is that a guy was on my living floor, either dead or passed out, blood everywhere, and, um, my parents standing over him. I was twelve, I was scared, I didn't exactly stick around to find out if my theory was true. I hightailed it to Jase's, stayed there for almost a week before my father dragged and threatened me never to tell anyone about what I had seen."

"Okay, that's all I wanted to ask. You can get some sleep in the break room, there's a couple of beds there." Haley nodded, standing up. "Um, Ms. Monahue might need to talk to you first." She again nodded, downing the last of her tea.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Chelsea Monahue sat across from Haley James, who looked refreshed after having been woken up at nine, nearly thirty minutes ago, only after getting a full night's sleep. "How are you feeling, Haley?" Chelsea asked the very volatile girl.

"Um, still a little bit shocked, I guess? I'm still numb inside."

"Well."

"Yeah."

"Um, do you know Karen Roe?"

"Can't say that I do."

"She's who you are going to be staying with, Haley."

"I don't know her."

"I know. But, she's the last person your mom has listed anywhere as an emergency

contact. That was on the papers at the hospital where you were born."

"Drug dealers usually don't have a lot of friends."

"I'd assume so. But, she lives in Tree Hill, North Carolina, with her husband Keith, and her son, Lucas, who just turned seventeen."

"Aww, the perfect family," Haley commented sarcastically.

"Haley. They've agreed to take you in, away from this mess. The cops have decided that you won't be used as a witness, so you're free to go. I know this is going to be a hard adjustment, but you don't understand how lucky you are. Most people don't get a chance to start over somewhere new that, let's face it, will offer a lot better opprotunities to you."

"Tree Hill, North Carolina? Where the hell is that?"

"North Carolina. She's flying in today, to meet you and talk to you, and I believe you two will be flying out tomorrow. She's already got a room set up for you two at the Sunset."

"Um, okay," Haley whispered, not sure what to think. "I have somebody that I have to say goodbye to-"

"Jason Nichols?" Monahue guessed, surprising Haley.

"Yeah, Jase."

"I've arranged for you two to have some private time after school. Which reminds me, we're already working with your school and Tree Hill High to switch you; you should have the same classes when you get there."

"Well, that's just dandy," Haley responded. "Can I have my journal?"

"What, Haley?"

"My composition book, can I have it?"

"I'm sorry, Haley; all of that has been sent to your hotel suite."

"Oh. Okay."

There was a knock on the door, and Monahue went to open it. "Hello, Karen, come on in," she greeted the woman, ushering her in. Haley was surprised to see a petite woman with a motherly softness and kindness about her. "Karen, this is Haley James."  
Karen Roe studied the girl carefully. She looked tired, still recovering from the shock of this experience. Her eyes were clouded with pain and fear. Most of all, she looked like she needed a little love and affection to build the girl back up. Karen sighed; she wondered how to approach this girl, how to melt her ice-cold heart.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Please please please Reply!

Next:

_"Nothing is wrong with me!" Haley yelled. "Why do you assume that? I'm a smart$$ kid that grew up on the wrong side of the street, okay? That's it. No tragic romance, no dramatic ending."  
"Haley-"  
"What where you expecting?" Haley asked in a whisper. "Sure, I'm a little messed up, but I'm still…" _

She shrugged off the tears and the crying, pushing hair out of her face. She turned away from the park, back on task. Up 12th Street, to McBride, down Hwy. 35 to the Godland Apartments on West Lancaster. Up the four flights of stairs, to Apartment 6-D. She knocked on the door, wondering if Jase's parents would be home.  
"Who the fu-" Jase was speechless for the first time when he saw Haley James standing there. "Come in."

"I'd give up forever to keep you," he whispered, opening his glazed over eyes, turning to look at her, his hand traveling to hers. "But it's good just to know you're alive." His eyes closed, and she found herself screaming again.

Karen looked at the girl worriedly, making sure she was still okay. She was watching the rain fall. "Haley, honey, you need to eat something." Another thing that was worrying the woman. Haley hadn't eaten in two days, since the shooting. "I have soup."


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OTH. **

**Chapter Two  
Selling Your Soul to the Devil is a no-no**

Karen unlocked the door for the hotel room quickly, wondering what was going through Haley's mind. The girl had been quiet since they had left the police station, through the short cab ride to the Sunset. She followed Haley into their room, noticing how the girl was studying the room carefully.

"So, Haley, is there any particular food you want tonight?" she asked the girl, ready to judge her answer, the tone and the response and what not. But, she had nothing to judge. Haley didn't answer, didn't even look up. Karen sighed, sitting by the girl. "Haley, you gotta talk to someone, and I'm a pretty good listener."

Haley turned to the woman, her big eyes dark with distrust. "What exactly would I talk to you about?" she questioned the woman, biting her bottom lip. "You don't know me, you don't know what I've been through."

"But, Haley, I want to know. I want to know how to help you."

"Nothing is wrong with me!" Haley yelled. "Why do you assume that? I'm a smarta$$ kid that grew up on the wrong side of the street, okay? That's it. No tragic romance, no dramatic ending."

"Haley-"

"What where you expecting?" Haley asked in a whisper. "Sure, I'm a little messed up, but I'm still…"

"I didn't mean it like that, Haley. You are most definitely not some tragic hero of some dramatic play. I just simply wondered what you thought of this whole mess with your parents."

"Um…I think about it as little as possible?" Haley answered. "Sorry, I'm used to them doing that and I'm not used to them actually getting caught. That's a bigger shock than them selling the drugs." She shrugged, standing up to go to her bags. Karen watched her new ward, heard how she quietly hummed to herself as she searched for something among her stuff; she finally produced a composition book with a satisfied grin. She snuggled back into the couch, writing contently.

"Haley, you never said what you wanted for dinner," Karen interrupted her ten minutes later.

"Um, something chicken-ey?" Haley supplied, barely looking up.

"So, McDonalds is okay?"

"Perfect. Cow's good, too."

Haley smiled then; it was a brilliant smile that instantly brightened the room. "You know, you're beautiful when you smile; well, even more than you already are," Karen commented, again making Haley look up.

"But you see, smiling requires you to be happy. I'm not, so I don't smile," Haley answered simply, shrugging her shoulders.

"You will be, my girl. I promise," Karen whispered to herself, watching Haley as she turned back to her writings.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley shifted her head, looking out the window in the dark room. She bit her bottom lip, her eyes flashing nervousness. She sat up, wondering what people were doing on a night like this. She knew that Jase was sitting outside, probably drawing, maybe wondering what she was doing. She turned back to Karen, sleeping peacefully in the bed. The woman wasn't old, she didn't even look her mother's young age.

She grabbed her jacket, quickly slipping out of the room. She didn't have money for a cab, and she was in her pajamas. What a sight to see.

She made her way down Main Street, shrugging on her thin jacket to protect her from the cold. It was two o'clock in the morning; Haley knew that the flight left at ten, but to keep Karen from freaking out it was her best bet to be back before she woke.

The park at Manchester and 12th made Haley stop. She stood there, remembering all the times she had spent there, when Jase was teaching her how to skate, her first kiss with Lewis Nichols under the big pine near the baseball fields. Or the soccer goal where she beat up Laney Jorgen for making fun of her K-mart clothes. The memories flooded in, as did the tears. She would admit it to no one but herself, but she was going to miss this place. Even with the sh!t she had to put up with with her parents, Lancaster was still her home.

She shrugged off the tears and the crying, pushing hair out of her face. She turned away from the park, back on task. Up 12th Street, to McBride, down Hwy. 35 to the Godland Apartments on West Lancaster. Up the four flights of stairs, to Apartment 6-D. She knocked on the door, wondering if Jase's parents would be home.

"Who the fu-" Jase was speechless for the first time when he saw Haley James standing there. "Come in."

"About to cuss me out, were you, Jase?" she asked with a slight smirk. "Nice to see you, too."

"Sorry. I thought-"

"I know." She shifted uncomfortably, looking up at him. He smiled, hugging her to him.

"What are you doing here? And at two in the morning?"

"I couldn't sleep. This is my last day here, Jase, possible forever. I'm leaving my best friend, I'm leaving my world, trading it in for some life-of-the-rich-and-famous episode house with a butler and maid and what not. I'm not that kind of girl, Jase," she told him as he led her to their spot, their fire escape.

"But, Hales, you are. You so deserve that house, that life of no worries. Just remember, selling your soul to the devil is a no-no."

"And keeping your soul to yourself can only kill you," Haley returned, leaning in so that their foreheads were touching. She sighed, closing her eyes.

"And you'll never be alone, Hales. I'll always be with you. Here," his hand glanced over her heart as he kissed her forehead. "I love you, Haleybob."

"I love you too, playa," she whispered, looking at him. He wiped away her tears with the pad of his thumb, hugging her tightly.

"I'm gonna miss you, best friend."

"I'll take you with me wherever I go…" she returned, crying softly into his shoulder as he rubbed her back gently.

"And I'll find you wherever you go." All their sayings. Over the years, they had collected them, hung on to them, used them on only the most special of occasions. He held her for the next hour, comforting her softly shaking body as it spasmed in sobs. "Don't ever say good bye, Haley. That is a final farewell. I will see you again, my dearest of all friends."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Jase walked with Haley back to the hotel, remembering their good times, the very few fights that they had had. "Remember the time when we were six and your brother decided it's be a bright idea to try and drive your dad's car? With us in it?"

"Oh, God help us all. And we wonder now why he got his license," Jase said with a laugh, stopping at the thrift store on Main Street.

"I love this store," Haley told Jase, remembering the time when they found that vintage Beatles shirt that Haley currently had packed in her bags. "Remember the time when we found that Goonies shirt?"

"Yeah! How old were we? Seven, eight?"

"Thirteen, Jase."

"Oh. That long ago, wasn't it?" he asked with a smirk. She nodded with a laugh. "I'm gonna miss this."

"But you said on the phone that she has a son?"

"Who I'm sure is really looking forward to sharing his house with a charity case," Haley said with a sarcastic tone.

"Don't, Haley. You are far from a charity case. If anything, you're the girl that's gonna fight like hell to prove that you belong there even though you don't have the finances that they do. And honestly, Haleybob, you don't need them."

"But it's more comforting to know you have friends somewhere."

"Hales, you'll make friends. And if not, I'll come down after school."

"No, you won't. You're going to that art school if I have to slum it on the streets. You're that talented."

"Um, I wouldn't ever let you do that, a, and b, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. You'll be fine."

"And the sun will come out tomorrow," Haley said with the fakest smile plastered on her face. "Yeah-flippin-right."

"Oh, come on, Haley. Optimism…"

"Dammit, no."

"Come on-"

"You know, sometimes I swear you're gay!" she yelled, pulling away from him. "Your cheerfulness is not helping me! I want to stay here, with you!"

"But what we want, and what's good for us, are not the same, Hales. This move is good for you. You get out of this town, as far away as you can go, and don't look back. Don't look back for me, for anyone else. You, Hales, deserve the créme de la crop, which you can get with the Roes. I love you Haley, but you've got to go."

Haley nodded, biting her bottom lip, once again out of habit. She wanted him to say that she should stay, that she would be better staying. But she knew he was right. She nodded slightly, tears running down her eyes.

Brakes squealed on a car; she turned, too late, but still, enough to see a flash of black, two distinct gunshots ripping through the air. Life seemed to go by in flashes; Haley watched in slow motion as Jase fell to the ground. "JASE!" she heard herself scream, her voice choking with tears as she dropped beside him. "No! Jase, please, Jase, please! Jase, stay awake, please, God, no, HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!" She looked around, no one was there. "HELP ME!"

"I'd give up forever to keep you," he whispered, opening his glazed over eyes, turning to look at her, his hand traveling to hers. "But it's good just to know you're alive." His eyes closed, and she found herself screaming again.

"JASE! NO! STAY AWAKE, JASE, PLEASE! STAY AWAKE! PLEASE, PLEASE, OH GOD! PLEASE!

"Baby, I love you. Goodbye," he breathed out, taking his last breath.

"NO! GOD DAMMIT, NO! YOU CAN'T DIE! YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO DIE!" she screamed, hearing the sirens in the background. _May Angels bring you down_ Haley heard the voice in her mind, and felt the grip of Jase's hand falter and slip. She laid her head on his bloody chest and cried, begging, pleading for the old times.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"Lucas, can I talk to you for a minute?" Keith Roe asked his only son, peering into the living room, where Lucas, Nathan, and Brooke were talking.

"Yeah, Dad?"

"Your mother and Haley are going to be delayed for a couple days."

"What? Why?"

"Um, she called early this morning. Haley's best friend was killed last night when they were walking back to the hotel together. She had gone to say goodbye to him."

"Is she okay?"

"Your mom said she wasn't talking to anybody, that she's been crying since the murder. They're gonna stay for the funeral and catch a flight out in three days. Um, I was thinking since all her stuff's gonna be here today, that we could set up her bed and stuff-"

"Sure, Dad. Maybe Nathan and Brooke want to help."

"Okay. Um, just, when she gets here, give her her space. She's gonna need it."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley sat in the hotel room, head on her knees, tears rolling down her cheeks. The funeral had been hard, so hard for her. To see her best friend lying in a casket killed her. The doctor had suggested that she not go to the funeral, and Karen had made her leave right after the burial service.

Karen looked at the girl worriedly, making sure she was still okay. She was watching the rain fall. "Haley, honey, you need to eat something." Another thing that was worrying the woman. Haley hadn't eaten in two days, since the shooting. "I have soup."

Haley turned to look at the woman, tears welling in her eyes again. She bit her lips, and Karen could see her lip trembling. She broke down once again, her whole body trembling. "Oh, Haley," Karen whispered sympathetically, wrapping the girl in a hug. "He loved you, you know. He wouldn't want you to be sad-" Haley wrenched away from the woman, a look of hate on her face. "Haley, I didn't mean-" The slamming of the door in

Karen's face shook the woman and ended her attempt to help Haley.

She grabbed her cell phone, dialing the number to Deb Scott, her best friend. She sat on the couch, exhausted. "Hello?"

"Deb?"

"Karen, are you okay? We heard about what happened. How is Haley?"

"Not good. She won't talk to me, or anyone for that matter, and she won't eat and I think I just pushed her further away."

"What?"

"I tried to help. I told her that he wouldn't want her to be sad and she pulled away from me, locked herself in her room. Deb, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her."

"Karen, she has to work through this on her own. And it's gonna be hard for her. She's grown up with her best friend, and she watched him get shot down like some animal, and there was nothing she could do."

"I know. God, I know. I woke up to the police knocking on the door telling me that she was at the hospital. Apparently she had just left in the middle of the night and they were on their way back here."

"God, she's probably feeling so guilty."

"I know. She's only sixteen years old. She shouldn't be going through things like this."

"Karen, you have to be strong for her. That's all you can do. Um, Lucas and Keith finished moving in her furniture last night."

"They called. Tell Nathan and Brooke thanks for helping."

"I will. You'll be here tonight?"

"Yeah, our flight leaves at 5, we should be there at 8," Karen told her friend before hanging up. She sighed when she heard a girl's strained muffled sobs in her room. She went to the door, surprised to find it unlocked. "Haley, I'm sorry," she started, sitting by the girl on the bed. "I know how hard this is for you. Actually, I don't know, but I can guess that you feel like you want to die right along with Jase. But, Haley, you have to know that he probably loved you with all his heart. He would not want to see you do this to yourself. I'm not saying it to be mean, or to say anything bad against him, because from what I can tell he was probably one of the greatest young men that there was. But you're killing yourself, and you can't do that." Karen wiped the girls tears away. "You have gotten sh!t this past week. First your parents, and now this. But you are so strong; you've taken it all in stride."

Haley turned from the woman, again staring out the window. Jase loved the rain. They would sit out on the fire escape in the gentle rain showers, talking into the night about what their futures would be like. She remembered how his face lit up as it rained; it always brightened her day. He would have loved today, like he loved everyday.

"Why don't you get some sleep, Haley? I'll wake you when the cab comes. Sleep will help you, sweetheart." Haley nodded, laying her head down on the pillow, closing her eyes as tears came gushing out again. Soon, sleep overtook her, comforting her in its pillow of dreams.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"You've never been on a plane?" Karen asked Haley, who timidly stepped forward into the first class section. "Haley, it's okay; you don't have to be afraid," Karen assured the girl, leading her to their plush seats. "Here, I'll sit by the windo…nevermind. Obviously you want the window."

Haley didn't look up to the woman, putting on her headphones and turning the volume all the way up. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying, and she was barely holding it together. _"I've got another confession to make, I'm your fool…"_ The soothing voice of the Foo Fighters calmed her a little, but not much.

Three hours had been hell on Earth. She had sat there, delving into memories of Jase and her throughout the years. The movie the plane had been showing was _Star Wars Episode Four: A New Hope_; it was Jase's favorite. She remembered the countless times that they had watched it when waiting for her parents to finish a drug deal, for his parents to get home late at night.

"Haley?" Karen whispered, gently shaking the girl's shoulder. She looked at Karen, her brown eyes still red from crying. "We're here." Here was already dark, and Haley couldn't distinguish the scenery.

She followed Karen off the plane, down to the baggage claim. She looked around at the unfamiliar faces, hearing slight Southern accents among the people. She blinked a couple of times, the flourescent lights hurting her already irritated eyes. "Karen!" a man yelled, running to capture his wife in a hug. "God, we've missed you! Luke's already taken your bags to the car, so, we can go." He turned to Haley, smiling broadly. "Hello, Haley. I'm Keith Roe. It's nice to meet you." He offered Haley a hand, which she took, not smiling, eyes sad, heavy-lidded with tears. She didn't talk, and Keith's eyes flashed concern to Karen.

"C'mon, let's get home, Haley," she said warmly, wrapping an arm around the girl's shoulders. "I hope you like it. The guys painted your room, which means there's no telling what it looks like." She was hoping to get a laugh out of Haley, but the girl remained stony faced.

Karen smiled at her son as they made it to the car. "Lucas, I've missed you," Karen whispered to her son, hugging him tight. "Luke, this is Haley. Haley, my son, Lucas." Awkward silence dragged on, and Haley felt the tears slide past the barrier of her eyes. She broke down again, wiping tears hastily from her face. She pushed past the family to the car, leaning against it, the tears flooding down. Karen looked at Keith and Lucas, shaking her head before hurrying to Haley, watching over her.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

**November 6th  
_Look to the past  
And remember her smile  
And maybe tonight  
I can breathe for awhile  
I'm not in this scene  
I think I'm fallin' asleep  
But then all that it means is  
I'll always be dreaming of you _ **

_I Miss You--Blink 182_

I don't know if I have the heart to write tonight. But this is for you, Jase, my playa. I guess this last week can be described as the worst week of my life. Not my parents; hell, I could care less about my parents. Let them rot for all I care. But I lost my best friend this week. Jase…

**Um, I can't write about that.  
**

**I can't write about anything. Sadness is a pretty face that I hold up now. **

_It's the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter. Marlene Dietrich_

This is to you, Jason Lewis. I love you forever, and I'll miss you the rest of my life.

Forever yours, Jase; I'll always be forever yours.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

CHAPTER THREE EXCERPTS:

_**November 9th,  
Here comes the rain again  
falling from the stars  
drenched in my pain again  
becoming who we are  
as my memory rests  
but never forgets what I lost  
wake me up when september ends **_

Wake Me Up When September EndsGreen Day

**_"Haley, I think you should tell me what's wrong."  
"Why won't you talk?"  
"Are you just some weirdo freak who's stupid and can't talk?"  
Okay, a, stop being over sensitive, b, because I just don't feel like it, dammit, and c, no! God, shoot me now so that I can join Jase playing up in your fluffy white clouds. I can see us tiptoeing as cherubs through the white fluffy grass, wondering about with little wings flapping hard. That'd be a laugh._**

"Luke, you in here?" Nathan called, opening her door without knocking. "I expected as much. Hey, Haley."  
She stared up at him, her eyes big and brown, and he had to turn away, the sadness flooding from them seriously dampering his upbeat mood. He remembered his sister's threatening tone: _**Give her a chance before I kick your $$.** Slowly, Nathan turned back to look at the girl. "Hey, Haley," he repeated, flashing her a trademark smile. She didn't look up at him, instead out the window to the big magnolia tree. Nathan put his hand on her, feeling her jump back in apprehension. "I'm not gonna hurt you, Haley." She still shied away from him, not looking at either boy. _

**Oh, Anne….don't fall for it, Anne! He's a loser that's gonna screw your pathetic self over!** Haley thought to herself, watching the old black and white movie about a woman in love with her family's worst enemy. Haley's sketchbook lay open before her, a clean, manilla page waiting. Beside it sat charcoal waiting to be used. If only she could get her mind off that movie and draw something.  
But drawing was usually time she spent with Jase, whether it be at his house, at school, on the fire escape- that was the only time she drew. She flipped through the book, wondering if someone, anyone, would consider her work 'great.' One, the first from last year, was of a city overlooking the sea. The next, shoes. Mostly Converses, sometimes the occasional ballet flat or tennis shoes, what was in her closet at the time.


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OTH**

**Chapter Three  
Cry myself to sleep for eternity waiting for you**

**November 9th,  
**_**here comes the rain again  
falling from the stars  
drenched in my pain again  
becoming who we are  
as my memory rests  
but never forgets what I lost  
wake me up when september ends** _

**Wake Me Up When September Ends--Green Day**

**"Haley, I think you should tell me what's wrong."  
**

"**Why won't you talk?"  
**

"**Are you just some weirdo freak who's stupid and can't talk?"  
**

**Okay, a, stop being over sensitive, b, because I just don't feel like it, dammit, and c, no! God, shoot me now so that I can join Jase playing up in your fluffy white clouds. I can see us tiptoeing as cherubs through the white fluffy grass, wondering about with little wings flapping hard. That'd be a laugh.  
**

**It's been three days since I came here. I guess people think I'm weird because I won't talk to them, but I don't care; they took me away from my best friend, even as he lays in a grave. I don't want to talk; I don't want their sympathy. All I want is my friend back, and all they want is me to forget about him and 'move on'. Bunny quotes, think bunny quotes.  
**

**Ah, back to the comments. Three names: Lucas, Brooke, and Nathan. Lucas is so kind and sympathetic; he wants to make everything better, but he can't. He doesn't realize that. Nothing is gonna make this hole in my heart go away. Jase is gone, and with him a piece of my heart. That piece can never be put back in place; therefore, my heart can never be mended.  
**

**Second, would be lovely little Brooke. She's my age, the typical cherry-personified cheerleader that makes me wanna reach for the gun again. She doesn't think before she acts; she rash and brazen. She's one of those girls that asks stupid questions expecting a smart answer, like "Why won't you talk?" And I wonder why I'm dropping IQ points left and right. She's nice, and she's trying, thought, so I suppose that I shouldn't trash on her too much. Especially when her brother is the biggest jackass of them all.  
**

**Who do you think asked the third question? Devastatingly hot, condescending Nathan Scott. Any girls dream. Any girl's boyfriend/brother's worst nightmare. I've been here total of 3 days, and he's slept with more girls in this short, short timespan than I knew in Lancaster. I just don't see what is going on in his brain. Am I stupid? What the hell kind of question is that? I JUST WATCHED MY BEST FRIEND FREAKING DIE! I want to throw something at him. Can I? Perty Please, with cherries and whip cream on top? Chocolate syrup, if you wish.  
**

**I sound like an angry little girl, don't I? I am. I'm pissed. I have no clue who killed, _murdered_ my best friend, and these people won't let me find out.  
**

**This house is huge; I feel like I'm gonna get swallowed up by it and all of it's finery. My room is beautiful, though. Karen must have put a lot of thought into what Haley James (aka me) would want in her room. The wall with the big window seat and the wall opposite that are a dark purple, and the other walls are a dark red. I have a black iron-wrought bed with an Arabian-pattern quilt of many colors on it, as do all the curtains. The furniture is black, and, even better that, there was a brand new laptop sitting on the desk. The bathroom was red; the walk-in closet purple. The theme works; it flows. I like flows. Reminds me of the ocean. Plus, I have a gorgeous view of the large maple tree in the front of the house. It's a beauty. Oh, Shit, someone's beckoning me….gotta go. You know, writing in this relieves me. Bye now. **

_Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. _Ambrose Bierce

Hehehehe, how true is this? I'd be making the best speech of all today.

Seriously done now.

Haley closed her journal as Lucas entered the room, a plate of food in his hands, a peace offering to her. She smiled, a half-hearted attempt at a smile, at least, sitting back on her bed. In way, Lucas reminded her so much of Jase. Blue eyes that would light the streets, tall, an understanding arm that was there for her to cry on. But Jase would be the only one to get her to tell him her feeling. "So, my parents are really considering sending you to a child psychologist or something like that. I think they're worried about you."

Her brown eyes looked up at him, clouded over still in grief and pain. She then looked away, that momentary glance too much for her to give Lucas. He sighed; he was trying, but she wasn't. But really, she shouldn't have to try. She was given a junky deal when it came to parents, and her friends, her life; she was so cold to the outside world to keep it from breaking her heart again.

"Luke, you in here?" Nathan called, opening her door without knocking. "I expected as much. Hey, Haley."

She stared up at him, her eyes big and brown, and he had to turn away, the sadness flooding from them seriously dampering his upbeat mood. He remembered his sister's threatening tone: _Give her a chance before I kick your ass._ Slowly, Nathan turned back to look at the girl. "Hey, Haley," he repeated, flashing her a trademark smile. She didn't look up at him, instead out the window to the big magnolia tree. Nathan put his hand on her, feeling her jump back in apprehension. "I'm not gonna hurt you, Haley." She still shied away from him, not looking at either boy.

"Nathan, you wanted something?" Lucas asked.

"Oh, yeah, Brooke and I were gonna go downtown for that concert and we were wondering if you and Haley wanted to go," Nathan said, deliberately adding in Haley's name. "It'll be fun, Luke."

"I dunno-"

"Come on, Luke. We always, always have fun at these things," Nathan pleaded, desperate. Lately, he had been over at Luke's, apparently his grandfather was coming down hard on him when Dan wasn't there. Nathan and Brooke's story was awkward and weird. Dan was their father, but their real mother was unknown. Dan raised them alone for three years before meeting Deb; she adopted Nathan and Brooke when they were five. Royal Scott was overly critical of his son; he felt that Nathan and Brooke ruined Dan's life and that they should have been given up for adoption. So he decided to censure Nathan whenever possible.

"Royal still over?" Lucas asked knowingly. Nathan nodded. "Sure, I'm in."

Haley watched the exchange curiously, surprised at how the friends acted more like brothers. Like her and Jase. Nathan was stubborn, assholish, brilliantly skilled, while Lucas was calm, collective, intelligent. They pushed each other and knew when to back off one another.

Interesting, indeed.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Deb smiled at Nathan as he came in from playing basketball with Lucas, He was sweaty and she just laughed, handing him a water bottle from the frig. "How was the game, sweetheart?" she asked as he sat at the counter of the kitchen, where she was cooking dinner.

"Good. I won."

"But of course, Nate."

"Well, Lucas couldn't stop oogling at Brooke, so that helped-" Nathan quieted as his grandfather walked into the kitchen.

"If you had your father's talent, you wouldn't need your sister's tramp sense," Royal commented condescendingly.

"ROYAL!" Deb admonished, watching her son's azure eyes cloud with frustration and hurt, embarrassment. "Don't you dare talk to my son that way."

"Mom, I'm….I'm gonna go to Luke's," Nathan whispered, not looking at his grandfather.

Once Nathan left, Deb turned to her father-in-law. "I don't know what's crawled up you're ass, but stop it! Stop humiliating and embarrassing your grandson. Yes, Dan doesn't play for the pros…but that's his decision, and not Nathan's, and not yours. Dan is happy now, Royal; get it through your HEAD!"

Nathan was up in his room, clenching and unclenching his fists as he took two or three deep breaths, he grabbed the basketball on his bed, hurling it at his dresser, watching the trophies and pictures there clatter to the floor. His fist struck the mirror before he knew what was happening. "Nathan?" Dan knocked on his son's door before coming in. "What happened?"

"Nothing, Dad," Nathan said quietly, knowing his father was staring at the blood dripping down Nathan's tanned hand.

"Like hell, Nathan. What did you do? Why is there glass everywhere?"

"I cut my hand."

"Doing what?" Dan asked suspiciously.

"Putting it through my mirror."

"What? Why?" Dan exclaimed, grabbing Nathan's wrist, stoking the blood with a towel.

"Nathan, what happened in here?"

"I threw the damn basketball at my stuff?"

"Why?"

"Because Grandpa was being an SOB again. I can take the criticism, but can he stop telling me that I ruined you and that my sister is a whore?"

"He said that?" Dan asked in wonderment, leading Nathan to the bathroom, sticking his hand under the cool water from the sink. "Nathan, you-"

"I know, Dad. I didn't do any of that. Tell Grandpa that."

'I'm gonna go get the first aid kit, so keep your hand under the tap. Got it?" Nathan nodded, rolling his eyes. _What a disappointment_, he sighed, looking at the cuts on his hand.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

_Oh, Anne….don't fall for it, Anne! He's a loser that's gonna screw your pathetic self over!_ Haley thought to herself, watching the old black and white movie about a woman in love with her family's worst enemy. Haley's sketchbook lay open before her, a clean, manilla page waiting. Beside it sat charcoal waiting to be used. If only she could get her mind off that movie and draw something.

But drawing was usually time she spent with Jase, whether it be at his house, at school, on the fire escape- that was the only time she drew. She flipped through the book, wondering if someone, anyone, would consider her work 'great.' One, the first from last year, was of a city overlooking the sea. The next, shoes. Mostly Converses, sometimes the occasional ballet flat or tennis shoes, what was in her closet at the time.

"Hey." A rumble of a voice made her look up at Nathan Scott. He stood there nervous, nursing a newly bandaged hand. "Um, do you know where Lucas is?" She wondered if he thought, if he really expected her to answer that. She glared, hoping he'd get the picture and leave her alone so that she may wallow in her grief. "C'mon, Haley, please. I know it's against your religion or something freaky like that to speak and talk, but I really need my best friend right now and unless you want me to lay this on you, I suggest you tell me or lead me or whatever to Luke," Nathan rambled, surprised he could talk that much. Normally, he barely strung two or three words together and called them a sentence.

Haley stared at Nathan, waiting, anticipating his next move. Finally, he sighed, sitting beside her on the bed. "Do you ever feel like sometimes that you could just go through the world without anyone noticing you, without being the cause of soooo many problems?" Nathan asked her, watching as she closed her notebook, leaning back on her headboard before nodding. "I guess that's how I feel a lot."

Haley listened, keeping her eyes intent on him. She hadn't planned this, but she sat back, planning on listening. She knew what it was like needing to let it all out and not having anyone there. It was death, and she was tired of that. She was tired of crying, of her heart shattering. She was just tired of it all.


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OTH, or the Foo Fighters song  
**

**Chapter Four  
Bonds are fun until they involve humans**

Nathan shifted in the desk in Mrs. Taurverson's Science class, doodling on his paper, bored out of his mind. He blinked, trying to keep himself awake. He saw Haley in the row in front of him, her auburn hair pulled back into a ponytail, showing off the milky, lightly tanned skin of her neck. He knew she wouldn't look back at him or even acknowledge his presence if he called up to her. She still wasn't talking, according to Luke, and his parents had consulted various psychologists, who told them that Haley would talk in due course if they gave her her space.

Haley watched the teacher, keeping a half-hearted attempt to pay attention. She had, in all actuality, drawn a portrait of Jase on some paper, and, in turn, one of Lucas and Nathan. She had then proceeded to draw the face of every person in her class on that same page. She turned back, glancing at Nathan, his face formed in concentration. He captured her gaze in his, smirking. She shook her head, turning back to the teacher. Nathan was surprised when a piece of paper flopped onto his desk. He pulled it apart, not recognizing the handwriting.

_Nathan, I'm not one of the little teeny boppers that will follow you around in admiration and absolute awe. Stop staring at me like I'm a piece of meat. I'm not. Sorry to ruin it for you. _

H.J.

Nathan smiled, looking at her, writing a response on the paper.

_Haley, I never knew that you could talk. _

N.S.

Seconds later, the paper was returned.

_Nathan, I'm not talking. I'm writing. Writing is different from talking. Didn't you know that? But then again, you're a mindless jock that lives for the game, right? Piece of advice: it'll end. It always does. _

H.J.

The bell rang, and Haley quickly left the room. A long day now over; she could leave, knowing she'd have to be back later as Karen and Keith dragged her to the JV/Varsity basketball game. She sighed, coming up to her locker. "Little teeny-boppers, huh, Hales?" Nathan remarked; it was just Haley's luck she'd get the locker beside the bastard. She stared at her locker hard, biting her bottom lip. Nathan waited, wondering how riled he'd have to get her before she talked to him. She just breathed out, grabbing her notebook for English. She stuffed it in her bag, really considering throwing it at him. "You sure you aren't one?" He antagonized her, grinning from ear to ear. She kept her eyes on her locker, grabbing her calculator before slamming the locker door shut and twisting the lock.

"You know I'd quit talking if you'd talk with me?" he said, looking down at her as he caught up with her strides to the front doors of the building. "Do you need a ride home? Luke has to stay after and talk to Whitey, so I'll take you home if you want." She nodded, wondering what he would do to annoy her to death.

Haley climbed into Nathan's black 2005 Mustang, cringing at the thought of even wrinkling the luxurious inside. Nathan took her bag from her and threw it into the back, not caring if it messed up the leather interior or made a mark somewhere. "So, you like the car?" he asked, staring into her big, sad brown eyes as she worked at finding the seatbelt, stretching her arm and lifting her shirt slightly, letting him peak at her toned middle. She finally grabbed the material, pulling it around her. He turned on the car, hearing the engine roar to life. Haley cringed for the second time when 50 Cent or Ludacris or Tupac or someone blasted through the stereo system.

Nathan noticed the cringe and smiled, turning the CD off. "If you want, you can find a station to listen to. This is a one time offer." He grinned boyishly; she smiled brilliantly before pulling her Foo Fighters CD out of her messanger bag. She spent only a few seconds searching for a song before she sat back. _Shame on You/Seducing Everyone/a Faded Jewel/ a diamond in the rough.._.

"Hey, it kinda describes you," Nathan said as he pulled out of his parking space, saying ye to a few friends. He turned up the radio as she looked at him questioningly. "Your gorgeous, Haley; any guys sees that, though you keep your beauty hidden in self doubt," he supplied for an answer, once again seeing her smile.

_The deeper the Blue, the more I see Black…_

"So, are you coming to the game tonight?" he asked, trying to get her to talk. She nodded reluctantly, not really wanting to hear him gloat about himself and all his glory. "Well, it'll be fun. The varsity always kick JV's ass, and the fans really get into it and everything."

Haley looked out the window, pulling her feet onto the dash. Nathan smiled at her battered black Converse slip-ons, her head bobbing to the music. She was so laid back, so comfortable.

"So, you're from Illinois, right?"

Haley nodded.

"Where?"

No answer. Nathan decided to go out on a limb.

"Okay. So, um, I know your best friend got shot. Was he a nice guy?" He saw her lip quiver, then her jaw set in anger.

"_Don't talk about my best friend."_ She sighed, her voice barely heard.

"Hey! You talk."

"Leave my best friend out of this. Jase was the greatest person I knew."

"Sounds like it. So, Haley James, tell me what you're about. I know you aren't mute, so start talking."

"What's there to tell? I'm the poor little orphan girl that a family took in cause they were feeling _charitable_. That's it," She said, bitterly.

"But, I didn't think your parents were dead-"

"They aren't. They might as well be, though. They've never taken care of me. Unlike you, I don't live in a perfect world. I live with gangs and drugs and murders and rapists, where a girl's only choice in life is to get out or to get a job on the corner of 14th Street."

"You think I have the perfect life?" Nathan asked incredulously.

"You have a mother and father that love you, a big house, a living best friend. I'd say you got dealt the good karma cards."

"I also have a grandfather that blames me for ruining my father's life."

Haley blanched, wondering if he thought she should be sympathetic. "But, Nathan, you live the good life. So, your grandfather hates you. I don't even know mine."

"Like, they're dead or-"

"Like, I don't know them. Who they are, are they dead? I couldn't tell you."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well, we win some, we lose some; I happened to lose that," Haley responded. "So, I hear you're a mega-star on the court."

"Um, yeah. I've played my whole life, and my dad almost went pro. What about you?"

"What? Do I play basketball?" Nathan nodded. "No. I did gymnastics, dance."

"Wow. So you can twist and flip and all that jazz?"

"Um, yeah."

"Wow. I'd like to see that. Have you asked Ms. Karen to sign you up?"

"Um, no. I wasn't planning on asking, either."

"What? There's a dance studio right next to the café and Karen would let you do it."

"Do you know how much money it takes to do this stuff? I'd need new clothes, pointe shoes, grips, chalk-"

"If you didn't already notice, Karen and Keith aren't exactly lacking in the money department. Just ask. I'm sure they'll let you."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley thanked Nathan softly as she left the car. Her shirt rose up on her back, and he saw the smallest of small tattoos. A 23, black outline, blue fill; it was uncanny; his jersey number was 23. He wondered what hers' meant.

Haley walked into the house, immediately being greeted by Karen. "Hey," she answered, much to the surprise of Karen. "Nathan made me angry," she gently explained, setting her bag down in the hall, hanging up her coat, pushing off her shoes.

"Did he now? Did he happen to say where my son was?"

"Um, he had to talk to Whitey, I think," Haley answered, uncertain on how to bring a topic up without being offensive to the woman who had taken her in.

"What's on your mind, honey?" Karen asked, giving the girl an all-knowing smile.

"Well, I used to take dance and gymnastics in Lancaster and I was wondering if-"

"How about we start looking for places this weekend, sweetheart?" Karen interrupted, watching Haley's face light up in excitement.

"Thank you so much-"

"Don't worry about it, Haley. We want you to be a part of our family. I didn't know you took gymnastics, though."

"Yeah. I've taken ballet since I was nine, gymnastics since I was five."

"Wow. Do you do competitions?"

"Yeah."

"That's good, hon. How was school?"

"Um-long. The art teacher piled on a lot of drawings before break, and I have to have my drawing in for the county competition thing tomorrow."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Nathan kept bothering me in Physics, and I'm ahead in Trig because my school started weeks before THHS did. NOT to mention they want to string me up in French and AP Lang and AP US are kicking my butt."

"If you need any help, don't hesitate to ask. Luke can help."

"Thanks," Haley said, grabbing a homemade cookie on her way upstairs to start her homework.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"So, how did the date with what's-her-face go?" Lucas asked Nathan as they sat in the locker room, waiting for the game to begin. Though it was only a friendly game, the Varsity took it as game #1, partially because it was embarrassing to lose to JV.

"It didn't. Caught her with Mike Pulenski in the Janitor's closet," Nathan replied with a faint smile.

"Well, I'm sorry-"

"Don't be, Luke. She was just some trashy whore I was hoping to hook-up with, nothing more."

"When are you gonna start looking for a real girlfriend?"

"When are you gonna start noticing my twin?" Nathan returned. "Though, I must say, your new live-in is quite a goddess in the body category."

"Nate. She just lost her best friend; she doesn't need you to screw her over-"

"Luke, I wouldn't do that to her. I know what she's been through, okay? I know she's hurting, and I know that's not gonna go away any time too soon. I'd be the same way if something happened to you."

"Really? I'm touched," Lucas mocked sarcastically, smirking at Nathan, who jokingly punched him in the arm. "So, we still going to the ski house for break?"

"Um, I'm not sure. Dad has some big conference coming up, so…"

"Yeah. Maybe well make it out there for Christmas."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nathan watched Whitey Durham pace through the locker room, a stiff look on his face. "Tonight, gentlemen, is our annual game against JV. I know most of the parents here think of this as a friendly competition, but it is our first game, our first test, our first sign of the hardwork we've been doing in the off-season. Make sure you show them, guys. You've worked your asses off for this moment, so get out there and show them. You ready?"

"Hell, yeah!" the team yelled in unison, making Whitey smile ever so slightly. Nathan bumped his fist with Lucas, pulling off his black Ravens Basketball jacket, revealing his white #23 jersey, the C on his shoulder obvious.

"Good luck, captain," Lucas called with a smirk.

"You, too, captain," Nathan returned as he rolled his shoulders, taking a deep breath as he followed the rest of the Varsity team out, down the hall to the crowd-filled gym. He instantly picked out his parents, sitting with Karen and Keith and a sullen Haley at half-court, smiling broadly and clapping for him. He grinned to them before finding his sister among the cheerleaders and mouthing 'I love you' to her. She smiled sweetly, mouthing back 'I love you, too; Good luck.' He nodded to her, focusing on the other team out there, focusing on the look of defeat and absolute terror in their eyes. It was true; JV's coach was crappy and they weren't that good; they _always_ got schooled by Varsity.

Nathan remembered being on JV, his freshman year for one game. He and Lucas scored all the points for a game and still managed to win, so they were bumped up to Varsity,  
leaving JV and their crapiness behind.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley grimaced at the sound of the fianl buzzer in the game, signalling yet another humiliating defeat for the JV. Varsity had won 94-21. Dan had talked her head off about the game, about the difference between the fouls, about the twelve-foot jumper (Nathan's signature), Lucas' three-pointers that seemed to come from every which way, Nathan's dunks, Lucas' perfect assists…on and on and on and on, all about _basketball_. Haley rolled her big auburn eyes, thankful that the bleachers were emptying, and that Karen and Keith were following the crowd down to the gym floor.

"Haley, you gonna come home or wait and get a ride from Luke? I think they're going out to eat," Karen informed Haley, who caught her eyes.

"I'll stay," she whispered; the girl might be talking, but it was as little as possible, her voice barely reaching its intended audience.

"Kay. Make sure they see you when they come out," Karen replied, giving the girl a smile. Haley nodded, stretching as she came down the shaky steps. "We'll see you tonight."

"Bye."

Karen followed her husband out, and Haley sighed, leaning back against the bleachers.

"Hey, I haven't seen you around here," a voice said beside her, making her turn to look at one of the JV guys, wiping sweat off his face.

"Yeah, you probably haven't," Haley returned, trying to get him to see that she wanted him to leave. "Listen, I'm not interested. In fact, I'm fairly disgusted, so please, get away from me."

"Apparently you don't know who I am…"

"Some loser who's not talented enough to get to the Varsity team in basketball?" Haley guessed, rolling her eyes. "I asked you once, now I'm telling you, get the hell-"

"Haley, this guy bothering you?" Nathan called from behind her, putting his hand on her lower back to alert her to his presence. She didn't flinch or even jump, he noticed; she must really be pissed. "Is Buchanen being an ass?"

"I can take care of myself, Nathan," Haley answered, glaring at him.

"I know you can, but Lucas is waiting."

"Oh, um, okay. Let's go," she said uncertainly, glancing back momentarily at Josh Buchanen, his face reddened from embarrassment.

"Was it really necessary for you to humiliate him?" Haley chastised Nathan, glaring at him.

"You realize he's…."

"A jackass? Yes. I'm not dumb."

"I never accused you of being dumb; if anyone is, I am. Just be careful, Haley."

"I will," she answered, shivering in the cold. Why hadn't she thought to bring a jacket?

Nathan quickly offered her his letterman's jacket, and she slipped the huge piece of clothing over her tiny frame. Her fingers barely slid past the sleeves, and she trailed them over his name, then the letter, the pins on the letter: one a basketball, one pin, one V, many patches-an 07, 2004-2005 State Champion Runner Up, All-American 2003-2004 and 2004-2005, all district for both years, all-state…

She turned to look at Lucas' jacket, with many similar patches and pins and such. "Haley, you coming with us?" Lucas asked with a smile.

"Yeah," she whispered, following Nathan to his mom's SUV, which he had borrowed for tonight.

"Good, I'm glad. You get a pick on where you want to go get food."

"I don't care," she said honestly, surprised that Lucas let her sit up front.

"So, did you enjoy the game?"

"I watched you two throw a ball through a hoop again and again and again. Of course it was so exciting," she answered with a smile. "I used to watch Jase all the time. Practice, games, tournaments-"

"He used to play basketball?" Nathan asked curiously.

"And football and soccer…all that."

"So he was really into school-"

"Um, not so much. He played football for school; he was up for a scholarship for it, but mostly he used to play for the inner-city leagues, but they were always so competitive-"

"Did you two live near each other? Nathan and I are neighbors, so you don't really have to wonder how or why we became best friends-"

"We used to live in apartment building right next to each other; our rooms were connected by a fire escape. When my parents used to be making deals, I'd go to his room."

"Deals?" Nathan asked curiously.

"My parents are drug dealers….were drug dealers. Jase's brother was killed by some gang members partly because of my parents, partly because he was a gang leader. That was a really tough time for us…."

"Wow. Talk about a hard life…"

"Yeah. But I was happy. Even with all that, I was happy," she admitted, shrugging, her hair falling from the loose ponytail it was in. "So, enough twenty questions about me.

Let's ask Lucas and Nathan about their lives…how was it growing up rich?"

"Ah, the million dollar question, eh?" Nathan asked with a smirk. "Um, I guess it's just made life for us comfy? We actually used to live with the Roes."

"Did you now? Interesting, interesting, interesting."

"Yeah. My mom left us after Brooke and I were born, and my Dad's dreams of basketball had fallen on really bad times, and he was raising us by himself as he tried to finish college. Keith had been his best friend for a long long time and he offered us a place in their old house. We lived there for like a year until Dad actually hit it big with his car dealership and bought our house right next door to the Roes. That's how Lucas and I became friends; we shared a room."

"I thought Deb-"

"Um, she's our stepmom. My dad met her when we were three; they got married and Deb adopted us when we were five," Nathan finished up for her.

"So you two share…"

"We, um, share a beach house, a house in the mountains, and lots and lots of vacations, Christmas, Thanksgiving-our families always do these things together," Lucas added in as Nathan turned into the parking lot of a fast-food restaurant. Haley climbed out of the vehicle, looking up at the two guys flanking her. She felt small, so small, next to these two.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"So, have I convinced you to come to the party yet?" Lucas asked Haley as they walked into school the next day. That was on he had been going on and on about after eating: the party and what fun they'd have and blah blah blah. She ran a hand through her hair as she twisted the lock to her locker, depositing her books, grabbing her notebook for first.

"Come on, Haley; it won't be fun without you-"

"Lucas, the last time I went to a party, I was sixteen and got so drunk I puked on Jase's bed FOUR freaking times. NO!"

"Haley, Nathan and I will watch what you drink….now PLEASE! PLEASE!" Lucas whined, looking at her with the major-please-and-I-will-be-eternally-gratefuly puppy dog eyes.

"Fine. FINE! But if I get drunk, it's your ass," she said, slamming her locker as she left him behind.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley looked around the huge living room with disdain, looking for a place to crash for the party until Lucas told her it was time to go. She had given her coat to Nathan, and it was rather chilly, especially in the black halter Brooke had somehow gotten her to wear…

She sipped at her drink, blanching at the foul smell and taste. Beer, to her, tasted bitter and sour, not something she should be consuming. She put her drink down on a table, watching a random girl dressed in slutty, slutty clothes come up and grab it. She sighed, wishing for something to do…well, she could grined on some random guy like half the female population was doing, or she could go makeout with said random guy, but that wasn't so fun.

"Hey, you," a guy said as he sat awfully close to her. She turned, frowning at him. She remembered him: Josh Buchanen, JV loser. "So, you here with Nathan?"

"I'm not 'with' Nathan, thank you very much," she returned, scooting as far away as possible on the couch, only to feel him put a hand on her thigh. "HEY! GET YOUR HAND OFF ME!"

"Fine…sorry," he whispered, getting up. She watched him go to the keg, grab two cups, fill them both with beer, returning to her. "Drink?

"What do you think?"

"Yes," Josh answered stupidly, making her roll her eyes in disgust.

"Leave me alone."

"No. I want you to have fun," he said, thrusting the drink into her face. She grabbed it, downing most of it.

"There; happy?" she asked with a big smile; he smiled back. _God, he was SO irritating._

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Her stomach churned; she was a little woozy. Whatever was in that beer, she didn't think humans should willingly ingest it. It was toxic, potently toxic, she decided, putting her hand to her forehead as a headache swirled from one temple to the other, making her vision disoriented and blurry. She wasn't sure if this was the beer or something else; maybe she was getting sick.

"Hey," she called, noticing a person, blurry, of course, turn to look at her. "Where's a bathroom?" She was on her feet instantly, walking around wobbily.

"Stupid whore," that same person spat, walking away.

"No, I need the bathroom-"

"Haley?" a soothing voice whispered, calming her nerves. "It's Josh. Do you need some help?"

"Bathroom," she managed to get out without sobbing. "Please."

"C'mon, Haley, it's up on the second floor," Josh told her soothingly, taking her hand, leading her thorugh the crowd. "Haley, did I tell you that you looked wonderful tonight?"

"No…why? I want a bathroom."

"Haley…" she heard the faint sound of a door closing, a lock. _Oh No._

"No…" she whispered weakly as he pushed her onto the bed. "Stop…"

"Haley, you're beautiful tonight…" Josh sucked on the skin of her neck, nipping at it. She pushed on his chest, trying to kick him. He grabbed her wrists roughly, tight as he slammed them into the headrest.

"No! God, get off me!" she cried, freeing one of her hands, slamming it into his face. "Get off me!"

"You bitch!" he roared, smacking her hard. Tears ran down her cheeks as she felt the material of her top rip.

"Get off me! You disgusting pig!" Her voice didn't amount to much, and she was getting weaker and weaker; she tried to claw him, but he grabbed her wrists in a bruising, vice-like grip, again slamming them into the headrest. "No! No! I didn't do anything to you!"

He slapped her again, the skin that felt the blow instantly beginning to swell. "You should consider yourself LUCKY that I'd consider you."

"You jackass! Nathan! Lucas! Help me…" She felt his lips attacking her chest, and her body succumbed to sobs.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"Hey Nate, have you seen Haley anywhere?" Lucas asked his best friend after thoroughly searching the downstairs of the house unsuccessfully. His best friend was talking amongst a group of friends including Brooke, Peyton, Jake and Tim. "She wouldn't go off without finding me and telling me."

"You sure she didn't meet someone and isn't having a little fun?" Tim asked; Lucas instantly glared at him. "Sorry, man, sorry."

"Luke, I haven't seen her all night. You want me to help you look?" Nathan asked, concern rising. He had seen her once, conversing with that SOB Josh Buchanen.

"Please. Can you search upstairs?"

"Yeah, of course," Nathan replied, handing his beer to Brooke. He pushed and shoved past people to the steps, up and up to the second floor.

Most of the doors were closed; with all the beers going around, many people were loose on morals and clothes. He didn't know if he should try each door or if he should just-

"Help me," a small voice cried from the second bedroom. He stepped closer, cueing his ears in more. "Please, stop! I didn't do anything."

"Don't you like this, _Haley_? Aren't you freaking loving this?" another voice replied coldly, turning Nathan's senses cold with fear. Haley. Oh God, Oh No.

"LUKE!" his voice thundered throughout the house. Lucas came running, but he would be too late. Nathan tried the door, finding it locked. He kicked once, twice…and it broke.

He shoved his way inside, only to be confronted with a sight that instantly made his stomach curl up with disgust. Josh Buchanen on top of a crying Haley, her top torn, her face red and wet with tears, her hands pressed against the headboard. He glared at Buchanen, coming forward, jerking him up by his collar. "You bastard. You deserve to go to hell," Nathan hissed, throwing the boy carelessly into a wall, going forward to Haley, his voice softening. "Oh, baby girl…"

She jumped at his touch, and it tore at his heart. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lucas grab Buchanen, hand him off to Jake and Tim to 'take care' of him until Lucas and Nathan got there. "Brooke, call the cops," Lucas instructed the girl, who nodded, pulling out her cell phone, watching as Nathan stripped off his own t-shirt, gently lifting her to put it on her.

"Haley, oh, baby," he whispered, running a soothing hand through her long locks. "I'm here now. Lucas is here now. We're gonna take care of you."

"Nathan?" Lucas whispered cautiously, watching his best friend take Haley in his arms, letting her cry into his shoulder as he continued to run his hand through her hair. "Nate, we called the cops; they're on their way."

Nathan nodded, turning all his attention back to the girl in his arms. "It's okay, Haley, it's okay; I'm here, we're all here now. We aren't gonna let anyone else hurt you. It's okay, it's gonna be okay."

"Nathan," Haley whispered, her fingers curling in his shirt. He went red with fury when he saw the black bruises on her wrists, the red mark on her cheek.

"Haley, did he hit you?" Nathan asked calmly, making her look at him before nodded.

Nathan shot a look to Lucas, who quietly exited the room, making his way toward Jake and Tim, looking to get in a little payback time with Josh.

"Nathan, when is it gonna be better?" Haley cried as she faded, the drug taking ahold of her, its full effect coming through.

"Haley, wake up," Nathan called, his voice being drowned out by darkness as she spiraled into a deep sleep.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nathan was still cradling Haley as the cops and paramedics made their way up to the room. "Are you Nathan Scott?" a cop asked, to which Nathan nodded, looking at Haley.

"She fell asleep about five minutes ago…I think he put something in her drink," Nathan told the paramedics, who carefully lifted Haley out of his arms. He stood to go with her, watching the paramedics as they strapped her in gently.

"Son, we need you to stay here, answer some questions for us-"

"Can I do it at the hospital?" Nathan asked in the tiniest of whispers; the cop's face softened as he nodded. "Thank you. Brooke, can you call Mrs. Roe and Mom?"

"Of course, Nate," Brooke whispered. Nathan nodded, following the stretcher out, wishing he could shield the fallen girl from prying eyes.

Lucas and he rode together to Tree Hill Memorial, not even caring about Josh, who was taken to Tree Hill's prison. Nathan could care less if he died by some rapist; he deserved worse, much much worse.

The cops filed in after Lucas and Nathan, leading them to the waiting room before again starting the questioning again. "First, Mr. Roe, I need to know your relationship with the victim-"

"Um, she just moved here a month ago…my parents are her guardians."

"Now, how does she know the suspect?'

"Um, she doesn't. She met him at the annual JV/Varsity game…didn't like him from there-" Nathan commented, looking up at the cops. And so the questioning began. It went on and on, seemingly for hours and hours. Nathan kept glancing at the cops, then at the clock on the wall, minutes ticking by like hours, and each one making him more nervous about Haley. Why was it Haley that this happened to? She didn't deserve this…no one did.

"Nathan Scott? Lucas Roe?" A doctor called, coming out of the double doors labeled 'ER'. Nathan and Lucas jumped up, running to him. "Haley's sedated now, but she wanted to see you."

"Doctor, he didn't…" Luke stopped a minute, not sure how to phrase this. "He didn't r-ra-rape her did he?"

"No. She's got some bruises on her wrists and her cheek and eye are swollen, but other than that, it's all emotional."

"What did he give her?" the cops asked, coming up to them.

"GHB. We pumped her stomach, but she's sedated right now. She was in total meltdown-" the doctor answered.

"Can we see her?" Nathan asked calmly.

"Yeah; she's in room 231." The two boys raced off, up to her room.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

**So, yeah, two really important events. Haley talks, and Haley is almost rape...i know I know, I rushed that, and I didn't mean to, but I really think that i needed to start making things go faster. Next: Always Run From the GHB Monster going ARRRRGGGGHHHH! READ, ENJOY, and REPLY!**


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OTH**

**Chapter Five: Always run from the GHB Monster going ARRRGGGGHHHH!**

**December 3rd  
Ten Million Miles I walked  
I traveled  
Fighting to get away from you,  
Away from the everyday argument I face,  
Collasped brain,  
Breath gone. I'm not gonna be manipulated  
Anymore.  
You can't hurt me.  
I can fight. **

Can we say a little bit bitter? Maybe I am. Hell, I know I am. I'm sitting in bed, staring at bruises that encircle my wrists because of some punk. The doctor said I had to stay in bed today because of the GHB still in my system. Well, fun fun fun, let me tell you. I've been in a depressed mood ALL day, sobbing and crying and I've decided I'm done. It wasn't my fault; he put the GHB in my drink, which I wouldn't have drunk if he hadn't insisted.

**Nathan Scott: what's on my mind now. Nathan is…a mystery? Something I don't understand. He was so gentle and sweet last night, so different from his usual persona of Mr.-big-shot-scoring-my-touchdowns-all-over-the-place. He and I have clashed over a lot, but last not proved that there was something more than meets the I with him, and it's damn confusing, let me tell you.  
**

**How am I?  
**

**::Deep Breaths:: I've been better. My cheek's swollen really bad from where Josh hit me, and my wrists are bruised, but other than that(and my stomach) it's more…emotional? Like a rape victim without all the trauma. It's more like, I can be hurt, and it can affect me, and I'm not invincible. And Nathan Scott makes a good bodyguard….ah, my mind back to Nathan. Some would think I have a school-girl crush on him.  
**

**HA!  
**

**Laughable.  
**

**So, Karen informed me that I get to go skiing on break. I don't know how to ski. The nearest I've been to skiing is watching it on TV. When we had a working television. But whatever. I'll go, enjoy myself, have a good Christmas. Maybe I'll get over it all. God, I need soemthing before I end up in the psych hospital somewhere, begging for my sanity, telling them that I didn't have a problem. Laughable.  
**

**Which brings me back to the attempted rape and the GHB fiasco. One thing to always remember: Always run from the GHB monster screaming 'ARRRRRRRGGGHHH!' at you and chasing you around with a knife. Nelson(ie the GHB monster) is having major PMS issues and aims to hurt someone or something…Poor Nelson. Midol makes it worse for him.  
**

**Okay, raise your hand if you think I'm weird for feeling like this after something like that happened. All of you reading this (which should be none, but whatever)….well….Henry Wadsworth Lonfellow once wrote "All are architects of fate… so look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again." So, I'm not gonna dwell there, letting the ifs and what if only-s pervade through and ruin me. **

**The past can't be changed, so I can't worry about it. I know, weird concept, but I'm unique, so weird concepts are okay.  
**

**1 minute:60 seconds**

**  
1 year :31 556 926 seconds**

**  
I have 31, 556,626 seconds left in this year; I'm not wasting them on three hundred that didn't matter. That guy can't bring me down; he can't break what I've worked so hard to build back up. **

**  
Carpe Diem, right? Seize the day and all that jazz. You don't know when life will be over, blah blah blah. We all know it's true.**

**  
So, Nathan is looking at me like I'm a clown, and he's staring at my back strangely. I have a tattoo there, Jase's jersey number. 23. What a beautiful number. **

_We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.-- _Joseph Roux

Hold the silence for only a moment, but then let it past. There's too many other things to do, to enjoy. So endeth my lesson, goeth into the world and heareth the joyous refrains. Endeth, goeth, heareth, joyeth, smileth, let's all end our verbs in –eth. Hehehe…fun fun fun…..gonna shut up now.

Haley shifted on her bed, staring up at Nathan. He was glancing towards her, at her eyes, which locked with his. "What?" she asked, smirking a little.

"Haley, what are you staring at?"

"I'm not. Nathan," she replied, turning back to stare at her journal. It had gone from bitter to comedic in quite a short period of time. "Leave me alone."

"Haley, Lucas invited me over. So I'm over."

"Yeah, in my room."

"Well, he went out to get movies."

"If I get stuck watching action movies, I might just hit one of you," she replied with a smirk, snuggling into her blankets.

"You won't. I think he was talking about getting the Notebook or some chik flick like that," Nathan commented, flipping through his magazine, either an _SI_ or _Playboy_; Haley was betting on the second one. "So, has my sister talked you into cheerleading for her yet?"

Haley glared at him. "Do you think I'd give a millisecond consideration to that freakish idea?" she snapped.

"Uh…no?"

"Good. Cause I wouldn't. I am not a cheerleader; I wouldn't want to be one," she stated for what she hoped to be the final time. "I'm not like that girl on _Bring It On_. I wouldn't trade gymnastics for anything."

"You sound like some female version of Lucas. I'll only play basketball. Blah-blah-blah."

"Someone's in a foul mood."

"No, I'm not."

"Uh huh. SURE." Haley laughed as the door opened. "Again, chik flicks or you are so dead."

"_Ten Things I Hate about You, The Notebook_ and _Never Been Kissed_."

"You are a God among men," Haley praised the teen, grabbing the movies as Nathan groaned. "What? It's not my fault that you can't get off your ass and do something nice for me."

"I saved you," Nathan pointed out, sitting on her bed as Lucas put on one of the DVDs and went to go pick up Brooke to bring her here. "Shouldn't that count for something?"

Haley patted his arm, noticing his muscles in her head. "And it does, Nathan." Her voice softened, gentle, a smile on her lips. "You have no clue how much that means to me."

She rested her head on his shoulder, sighing, feeling his arm come around her, resting on her back, letting her rest her head there. "If you ever need help, I'm here, 'kay? No questions asked," Nathan said unceremoniously, making her turn to look at him.

"Thanks," she said with a small smile. "You know, you aren't half-bad sometimes."

"Much appreciated, Haley." Nathan's face was hard, his voice uncaring.

"What's with you?" she asked.

"Why is it that all you people think that I'm a jerk? I wasn't the one trying to rip your clothes off you; I wasn't the one trying to get you drunk! I tried to help-"

"And I'm not denying that, Nathan! God, I'd probably be sitting in the hospital right now if you hadn't been there!"

"Then why do you keep trying to see the worst in me?"

She stopped, floored for a minute. "I-I-" She stopped, collecting her thoughts. "I'm sorry. I guess I do that; I expect the worst from everyone, because that's what I have had to deal with for the longest of time, okay?"

"I don't have the greatest reputation; I know that," Nathan told her. "But you're like my best friend's sister, and I would never-"

"Hey, I know, okay? You've been nothing but sweet to me; I would never think that you-" she stopped, her wrists' bruises catching her eyes. His were also staring at them, and he reached out, caressing the pained skin. "It hurts a lot, the pain from this, from Jase being gone. Usually I'd handle it with my cool façade, but….I don't have my rock anymore; I'm some orphaned charity-case that lives other people's money, and I'm not used to that."

"I'd hardly say you're a charity case, Hales. You've only been here a month, and Karen see you as her daughter; she respects you for trying to become better than the view society placed on you," Nathan whispered, still massaging the bruises. "All that-all those views- they're gonna fade over time as you show them that you belong here."

"But what is here, Nathan? This world….this high-class society? I'm the same person I was in that little bitty apartment in Lancaster. Why should I have to work harder here to prove myself? In Lancaster, I was the person everyone looked to to succeed and to get out. That was the dream of every single kid in Lancaster: to get out before it sucked them in. And most didn't."

Nathan studied her face, noticing the tiny scar right above her eyebrow. "How'd you get that?" he asked, gently touching that scar.

"Um, a fight."

Nathan raised a eyebrow, smirking at her. "A fight? You, Haley James, fighting?"

"Yeah."

"Over?"

Haley took a deep breath. "A guy. Jase, actually. I was fourteen, some girl got it in her head that it'd be a good idea to mess with Jase. I showed her that she was sorely mistaking."

"You did, huh? I dunno….to me you seem sweet and kind…not vicious at all." Nathan smiled; Haley laughed.

"Oh yeah, that's me: Sweet li'l Miss Ole Innocent," Haley elaborated, grinning up at him.

"So what about this one?" he took her wrist, his hand gently rubbing the scar on her middle knuckle. "What's this one from?" His eyes grabbed hers, kept up with hers.

"Um…." She scrunched her nose, looking over the scar. "I was twelve, and two gang members beat me up."

"What? You were twelve!"

"It didn't matter; my parents had the good drugs that they wanted," Haley replied in a whisper, biting her bottom lip.

"So, what about this one?" his hand traveled to the inside of her elbow, a curved scar right above the joint of her elbow. She glanced away momentarily, then back at him, studying him. "I won't-"

"I know. Um….that is from the first time I tried drugs. I was thirteen, and it was crystal meth, and I jammed the..uh…needle so far into my elbow that I almost screwed my elbow up for good."

"You tried that shit? Even after you saw what it did?"

"Pressure is amazing. Too much of it, and you blow. This was before Jase's brother died, but only by like two months, and the Jase before and the Jase after are Jekyll and Hyde. Jase before was the party animal, wannabe leader of a gang that wanted nothing more than to screw his best friend. He thought the best way to do that was to get me high."

"What? I thought you said-"

"Like I said, before Lewis was murdered, that was Jase. Afterwards, it wasn't."

Nathan nodded, closing his eyes, feeling her hands escape his, one caressing his face.

"So what about you, Nathan? What about this scar?" She ran her fingers along the outline of the scar on his tanned cheek.

"My grandfather gave it to me when I was seven for stealing money I didn't touch."

"Your grandfather blames you for a lot of things, doesn't he?"

Nathan nodded. "He feels my father would have made big time if it wouldn't have been for the mistakes known as his kids." Nathan sighed. "I know my father loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he doesn't have the same regrets that my grandfather does. I see him looking sometimes, at me, and it's like his eyes are blank, asking the 'what if I never had Nathan' question."

Haley offered a light smile as he opened his eyes, staring into the gentle chocolate of hers. "Nathan, if your father had doubts, I doubt you'd be here. It takes a lot to give up a dream for a mistake, which, face it, you were. But he did it…he made that sacrifice for you and for Brooke because he loved you and because he knew it was right. He probably looks back and wonders 'what-if' but all the looking back and all the 'what-if's don't matter because look who's standing here seventeen years later; look at who's playing basketball and who's on the sidelines, cheering. I think you won against the what-ifs," Haley whispered.

"But it still hurts sometimes, the fact that he wonders."

"Every parent wonders, Nathan…they wonder if they started too young, if they could have stayed in college…they can't help it."

"You are wise beyond your years, Haley James."

She blushed, looking down, back up at Nathan. "I'm not wise Nathan. I know what it's like to be the regret. I've seen it over and over again, and I'm one of them."

"Your parents regretted you?"

"My parents didn't care, which is worse than regret. I never got to hear them say that they love me, that they were proud of me; hell, I never got to hear them say that hated me and wished that I was dead. I got nothing."

"But you had Jase."

"Jase doesn't make up for a parent, Nathan; Jase just made it better," Haley replied, tears brimming. "I missed having parents. I missed having my mother kiss a skinned knee; I missed my father praising me for good grades. I never got that. I regret that, and I will for the rest of my life."

Nathan wiped away her tears, taking her wrists back in his capable hands, massaging them. "Hey, it'll be okay…it's gonna be okay."

Haley nodded, giving him a small smile, her eyes glistening. "I know it is. It'll be okay in minute. Just needed to cry a little bit. Every girl does."

"Ugh! Girls and their needs. I'll never understand it!"

"Understand what?"

"You women and your needs for emotional breakdowns!" Nathan replied with a smirk. Haley laughed a little, wiping away the rest of the tears.

"Yes well, emotional breakdowns or not, you still love us…you couldn't live without us."

"That is so true. So true." Haley whacked him in the head as he wiggled his eyebrows.

"HEY! That hurt!"

"Stop being a baby. I barely touched you!" Haley argued back.

"You whacked me hard! I could have a concussion!"

"You could not! Stop being a complete and utter wuss!"

"I'm not being a wuss. MISS KAREN, HALEY BEAT ME UP!" Nathan whined, climbing off the bed.

"NATHAN, IF HALEY BEAT YOU UP I'M THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND!" Karen yelled back up.

"Victory for Haley!" Haley waved her hand proudly in the air, a grin plastered across her face. He turned to her, leveling his eyes at her. Suddenly she felt herself being pushed onto the bed, Nathan over her. She looked up, but it wasn't Nathan. It was Josh Buchanen, staring at her maliciously as he leaned down. "No! NO!" she screamed, pushing against the broad shoulders.

"Haley. Haley," Nathan soothed, trying to bring her out of her vision.

"No! Please, get off of me," she whispered, shaking her head.

Nathan slowly removed himself, helping her up. "Haley, you okay now?"

She looked up at him, and he saw fear. Fear for being attacked again, fear for being unloved, fear of not having someone to protect her next time. "I'm fine," she whispered, sitting up. "I'm sorry."

"Haley are you alright?' Karen asked, coming into the room. "Nathan, what did you do?"

"I, uh-"

"He was tickling me. I hate to be tickled," Haley covered for Nathan, letting him have a small smile. "Sorry to worry you Karen."

"It's fine, dear. Lucas called, said they picked up some food and are on their way, so it should only be another couple minutes." Haley and Nathan nodded, watching Karen leave. Nathan instantly turned to Haley.

"Listen, Haley, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Don't worry about it, Nathan. I just-I've got to get over this. I swore to myself that I wasn't gonna dwell on it, and on the past, yet that is exactly what I'm doing."

"Haley, you almost got raped. You have a right to dwell-"

"I have a right, but I really don't want to. Everytime I think about it, you know what I see? I see him having more power; I see me being powerless, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I don't want to feel like that, ever." Nathan climbed on the bed beside her, wrapping his big arms around her small body, his chin on her forehead. "I hated feeling powerless. I hated feeling so stupid! He gave me that drink, and I _knew_ that I shouldn't have taken it, but I did. I did, and I suffered the consequences."

Nathan stroked her hair carefully, feeling her tears soak his shirt. "It'll get better, Haley, it'll get better. You are being so strong, Hales, so strong."

"Sometimes strong doesn't mean anything." Her voice cracked, and she leaned into his chest, snuggling into it.

"But sometimes it means the world."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

**Okay, a/n number one: The poem at the beginning was written by me. Don't steal (though why would you want to?)**

**a/n number two: please please please reply!!!! I LOVE MY REPLIES, I LIVE OFF OF THEM! SO PLEASE JUST REPLY!!! (danke, and cookies you get!)**

**a/n number three: next...Chapter Six: Fun Never Came Packaged as a 17-Year-Old Boy Before...hehehehhe**

**a/n number four: so, Haley's emotions are bouncing off the wall in this chapter, from bitter to comedic to somber...I know...weird...but I think it fits her character. She tries to cover up what she's really feeling in order to get people to see that she doesn't need their help...if you have a different theory or don't agree, please reply and tell me why and what I can do to make it better.**


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OTH**

**Chapter Six: ****Fun Never Came Packaged in a 17-year-old Boy Before**

**December 10th  
_Don't close your eyes  
don't close your eyes  
this is your life  
are you who you want to be?  
This is your life  
Are you who you want to be?  
This is your life  
Is it everything you dreamed  
That it would be? _**

This is your life--Switchfoot

Today I, Haley Anne James, was born. Yes, it was a snowy, cold day 17 years ago in a run down Chicago clinic when I popped into the world to say 'hi.' Wow-it's a mile-marker in every Lancasterians' fe-you hit the age of SEVENTEEN! It's a time to celebrate; you haven't been shot or hurt or killed by a gang-you're still alive.

**Wow. MARKER MARKER MARKER MARKER!**

**  
Get my point? Are you laughing?  
**

**I am.  
**

**So, you ask, how have I celebrated past birthdays? Big blow out parties, knock-'em-off-their-a$$es raves? Well, um…no….I haven't really celebrate my birthday.  
**

**What::gasp in horror:: You think I'm a freak, don't you?  
**

**Well, no money no presents, parties, etc. You see my problem? Yeah, quite a problem it is.  
**

**But, I'm not worrying.  
**

**I never have.  
**

**See, I don't need all that finery because it's not a big deal to me. It's not ever going to be. I'm turning another year older, another year wasted, another year of disappointment.  
**

**I haven't even told the Roes that today is my birthday. I suspect that they would care and want to throw me a party and stuff, but I'm so used not to having it. Jase sometimes brought me a cupcake, but usually the day was spent in silent remembrance of what I didn't have, usually watching traffic pass on the streets below my fire escape.  
**

**Nathan asked me what I missed most about Jase. I immediately said his smile, his bright, but now I know that's not exactly true. What I miss most about Jase is his ability to make me forget about how desperate my life must seem. He never ever reminded me that today was my birthday, that I wasn't going to get anything. That is truly something to be missed.  
**

**Okay-Nathan. He has definitely been someone on my mind. God, I think I've flirted more this month than I ever have before. I swear I sound so desperate. So desperate. Nathan-he's just so sweet under that tough exterior. He builds up walls, so many walls, not expecting anyone to want and try to break through them. I guess he thinks that people aren't worth the effort if they won't attempt to kill the wall. Lucas obviously did, but then again, they were like two. I wonder why he put down that wall around me; maybe he felt that I wouldn't judge him.  
**

**So, maybe I should stop my world-of-only-thinking-about-nathan. But, he's-he understands me. He realizes that I have something so weak behind my 'tough' exterior-though, then again, I broke down for nearly a week. Nathan even helped me through that.  
**

**Damn. I was trying to get past Nathan-thinking.  
**

**Crap. Gotta go-doorbell ringing. **

_It's my party and I'll cry if I want to_.--Lesley Gore

Not this time. Let's cry during something sad, Lesley.

**Junk. Really Gotta go-Karen's asking me to answer the door. See ya.**

Haley threw her composition book on the couch, knowing no one would pick it up and read it. She stared at the door for a minute before walking over to open it. Her eyes widened in disbelief, a silver 2006 Mazda RX sat in the driveway, a big red bow on it, along with a sign that said 'Happy 17th Birthday, Haley' on the side. "OH MY GOD!" she screamed, turning to look at Karen and Keith coming down the steps. "How did you guys-?"

"Haley, your file told us when your birthday was. Why didn't _you_ tell us?" Karen asked gently as Lucas joined them.

"Because nothing good ever came on my birthday until now. That car is beautiful, Karen. Thank you so much," Haley whispered, hugging the woman tight.

"Hales, you deserve this. Now go out there and look over the car, make sure it's what you want."

"Wow," Haley breathed out as she sat behind the steering wheel, running her hands over the leather. "You guys shouldn't have done this. Clothes are always good."

"Haley, let us have this _one_ extravagant gift, and I promise we'll give you clothes for Christmas."

"Okay, fine. Wow, you guys-I love this. Thank you sooooo much."

"You're welcome, Haley," Keith said with a laugh.

Haley smiled, once again hugging her car's hood as she looked at it for the last time. It really was a beautiful piece of machinery. Haley heard a whistle and turned to see Nathan's Mustang as he pulled into the driveway. "Haley, what is this?" he called, climbing out of his car.

"This, Nathan Scott, is my birthday present from the from the Roes. Isn't it beautiful?" she asked with a happy grin on her face.

"It's very beautiful, Hales. So, there's a party tonight at TRIC for you." Haley snapped her head up to look at him in disbelief, and he rose his hands in defense. "I didn't do it, Hales. I'm not much of a partier these days. I'd rather spend my time with people that matter."

"So, what do you say if we skip the party and do something else, like have fun at the bowling alley or go skating or something?" Haley suggested, not honestly believing he'd say yes.

"Sure."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Why not? It'll be fun."

"We can go onto that miniature golf course on the café's roof."

"How do you know about that?" Nathan asked questioning.

"Uh, Lucas took me up there."

"Sure. We'll play a round-you can cry when I beat you."

"You, beat me?" She asked incredulously. "Hah! LAUGHABLE!"

"Laughable? That's not even a real word, Hales."

"So wrong, Mr. Scott, so wrong!"

Nathan laughed, wincing slightly at 'Mr. Scott'. "So, it's your 17th birthday, and you want to spend it with your quote-unquote brother's loser best friend doing stuff such as miniature golf and bowling? Why?"

"Because it's what I'm used to?"

"You know how scary that is? The fact that you basically didn't have birthdays, which are totally the most funnest day in the world 'sides Christmas?"

"I'm not even going to mention how incredibly incorrect that sentence is grammatically, but it's just because I'm not used to it. Last year for my birthday, Jase and I went to the ice cream shop across from our apartment buildings and had a bowl of my favorite ice cream. The year before, we sat out on the fire escape and watched the traffic as it passed underneath us. For my fourteenth birthday, I got a Little Debbie cake with one candle in it and we witnessed a gang fight. So tell me where miniature golf and bowling are so out of place?" Haley asked, looking up at him as Nathan pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear, his fingers trailing all her earrings, looking at her questioningly. "Yeah-this is only four of them; I used to have like ten in each ear. Again, it's where I came from. Most girls in Lancaster's 'bad' side wore Daisy Dukes and tube tops even in the winter and caked on the makeup, yet they had those huge tattoos that covered the entire expanse of their back and they had their noses and their lips pierced."

Nathan smirked, leaning in so that his mouth was only centimeters from Haley's ear. "I have a nipple ring," he whispered seductively, feeling her shiver. "Does that disgust you?"

Haley looked up at him, eyes raw with obvious desire. "Actually, I think it's sexy," she whispered evenly, grinning from ear to ear as his eyes widened in surprise.

"Really?" Nathan's shocked voice made her grin even more as she nodded, blushing a scarlet red. "Why are they so sexy to you?"

"Well, that's for me to know and for _you_ to find out," Haley whispered in his ear, her breath tickling the short hairs at the nape of his neck.

Nathan wiggled his eyebrows at her again. "So tonight, I'll meet you at the party and we'll leave from there?" he asked, having to move from her before he tried to kiss her.  
Haley nodded, noticing that they were still outside. "So, see you tonight?"

"You, too. Wear something hot." She smirked, giving him a hug.

"Thanks for everything, Nathan. Fun never came packaged as a 17-year-old boy before."

"No problem, Haley. See you tonight." With that, he turned back to his car, waving to her.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"Okay, I feel really uncomfortable," Haley commented for the up-teenth time, pulling on the black corset-top Brooke wanted her to wear. It pushed up her breasts and sucked in her already small stomach. At least she was in some pants, not that short-skirt that Brooke had wanted her to wear. Her eyes were dark and smokey, her hair down and slightly curled.

"Haley, you look hot," Lucas reassured her, opening the door for her. She heard loud music playing and she cringed; rap didn't appeal to her, but, whatever, it wasn't like she'd be there long. "Remember, just go with the flow," Lucas whispered, going off to greet some people.

Haley looked around, uncomfortable, watching the girls bump and grind against the guys to the beat of Ludacris.

"Well, well, well, little Miss Haley James isn't quite so innocent." Haley turned, straight into the clothed chest of Nathan Scott. She looked up and smiled, running a hand through her hair. "You look- wow. Absolutely wow, Haley."

"Thank your sister for me," she replied with a smirk, watching his eyes widen.

"You let _Brooke_ pick out your clothes?"

"No. I let her pick out a shirt. If it had been up to her, I'd be wearing a skirt that showed half my ass."

"Wow, okay, I'd love to see that."

"Bite me," Haley snapped. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah. We're takin' my car, right?" Haley nodded. Nathan pressed a hand to her back, leading her out to his car. "So, I have some fun stuff planned for us."

"Nathan, if I wind up in a club, you're dead meat. I hope you know that," she cautioned him, her eyes glittering in amusement.

"I promise, no clubs."

"Good. Let's have fun!"

"Nathan laughed at her joy, starting the car engine. She looked out the window, her hand playing in her hair, absentmindedly curling it. She turned to look at the radio. "You have the Foo Fighters playing?"

"What can I say? I liked it when I listened to it with you. I went out and bought it the next day."

"Do you like it? The CD?"

"Yeah. It's really good, Haley. You got any more CDs that I might like?" Nathan asked, turning up the volume as _DOA_ came on.

"This was Jase's least favorite CD; I think it was right above rap on his list."

"Well, he obviously had no taste in music."

"You only wish. Other CDs-um….the Gorillaz, Story of the Year, Weezer, Funeral for a Friend, Fall Out Boy…"

"All punk and rock, right?" Nathan asked.

"What else would I listen to?" Haley smiled, watching as Nathan pulled into a parking lot. "Where are we?"

"Tree Hill Miniature Golf."

"Oh, fun!" Haley squealed, climbing out of the car. "It's still open?"

"No, but I paid the owner to let us use it. Now, are you ready to admit defeat to Nathan, King of Miniature Golf?"

"Does that feed your ego? Does it make you sleep better at night? Knowing you are king of miniature golf? Well, until you lose to me, of course."

"Bring it on, Haley. Bring it on."

"Fine. You wanna make a bet on that?"

"What's the bet?" she asked eagerly.

"Whoever wins…no…whoever _loses_ must do whatever the winner wants for a whole week, whether it's to carry books or hang out or whatnot."

"Fine, Nathan, you're on. You are soooo on!"

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"Uh-huh. No I didn't lose! No!" Haley yelled frustrated as Nathan returned their golf clubs. "No! I won't do it! No!"

"Haley, admit defeat and take the bet! I promise I won't make you parade around in short shorts and a bikini top! On my honor as a gentleman, which I have thus far upheld, even you can say that."

"Fine! ONE WEEK! You embarrass me, I'll kill you. Do you understand me, Nathan Scott? You embarrass me, I will cut out your heart and shove it up your ass!"

"Haley, please….that scares me. By now you should know that I'm not going to do that to you. Now, let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

Haley rolled her eyes, oh-so eager to be Nathan's pack mule or personal cheerleader for the next week.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"No!" She adamantly refused as Nathan pulled up to the Rivercourts, lights making the river sparkle. "I'm not spending my **birthday** playing basketball! I'm just not! You can't make me!

"Haley, don't make me bring up the fact that you kinda have to," Nathan commented under his breath.

"Ugh, fine. But you suck…no, you officially suck." She sighed, pouting. "But today is my birthday. Shouldn't I get a reprieve?"

"How about we play this for say thirty minutes and then I'll take you bowling or get you ice cream or do something you want?"

"You promise only thirty minutes?"

"Promise."

"Swear?"

"Swear."

"Pinky swear?"

"Haley! Let's just play!"

"Fine, but when I look like a fool-"

"I won't laugh." He was serious, Haley could tell. She smiled, opening the door and shivering in the cold. "Hold on, Haley." Nathan grabbed his letterman's jacket as he got out of the car, pulling the jacket around Haley's petite body. "Warm now?"

Haley nodded, leaning into his body. "You're warm," she commented, laying her head on his warm chest.

"You like this?"

"I don't mind it."

"Don't mind it, eh? Well, as much as I like this, and believe me, I do like this, so much, we gotta go play ball."

Haley huffed as he led her to the court, grabbing the ball behind the bleachers as he left her at half-court. He handed her the ball, leading her up to the free-throw line. He stood back, obviously wanting her to shoot.

She puppy-dog-eyed him. "Nathan, please! I suck at this, I really, really, really suck at this. Please?"

"Let me see, Haley; come on, I promised I wouldn't laugh at you, and I'm not. So what's stopping you?"

"Fine, but you deserve to see how bad this freaking shot is." She threw the ball, missing badly, watching it sail over to the bleachers. She turned her head, red creeping onto her face and neck. Nathan ran for the ball, letting her get over her embarrassment on her own, knowing she'd kill him for looking.

"Okay. Here, Haley, bring it up past your nose….and square your shoulders…that a girl…there you go….Now…" he handed her the ball, going to stand behind her, his hands resting gently on her hips. "Relax your hips….uh-huh, like that….and shoot." She did, watching the ball sail through the air, barely missing the basket. "Good job. See, you can do it."

"Wow…I've never thrown it that well. Nathan-how did I do that? How did you get me to do that?" she asked, turning back to look at him. He was staring at her, his hands coming up from her hips to rest on her lower back.

"Will you slap me if I kiss you?" he asked in a whisper.

"No. But I'll slap you if you don't," she replied, pulling his head to her's, connecting their lips.

Nathan smiled against Haley's lips as they pulled apart, their eyes opening. His hand reached up, caressing her cheek. "Haley-"

She leaned into him, fingers gripping at his shoulders. "Thank you," she whispered, tilting her head to capture his lips again.

"For what?" he murmured as they sat on the bleachers, Haley straddling his waist. When she didn't answer, he pulled away from her, looking into her eyes. "For what, Haley? Why?"

"For fighting for me." And she leaned in to kiss him again.

"Happy birthday Haley," Nathan whispered, wrapping his hand around hers, leading her into the oblivion of passion.

**Kay, so this chapter has the most Naley in it...obviously. Coming up: Chapter Seven: Kisses Like Chocolate...mmm-mmm good... **

_I think this birthday definitely reigns supreme. I'm currently in my room, Nathan hugging me and trying to kiss my neck-or steal my-NATHAN! _

So, it's Nathan.

Ooooohhh, presents-I got those! For once!  
I got a car!  
::gasp in shock::

"What? OH MA GAH!" Terry Hart squealed. "That biatch! Stealing my man like that!"


	7. Chapter 7

-1**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OTH**

**Chapter Seven**

**Kisses Like Chocolate...mmm-mmm good**

**December 12th **

_It' s the way you love me  
It's a feeling like this  
It's centrifugal motion  
It's perpetual bliss  
It's that pivotal moment  
It's, ah, impossible  
This kiss, this kiss  
Unstoppable  
This kiss, this kiss _

This Kiss--Faith Hill

I think this birthday definitely reigns supreme. I'm currently in my room, Nathan hugging me and trying to kiss my neck-or steal my-NATHAN!

So, it's Nathan. Hey, Haley ::waves knowing she'll be pissed off at me later:: So, I won't look through your diary, Hales-I just hope there's good stuff about me in here. Because if I ever had a journal, I'd write so many good things about her. She's sweet and kind and beautiful-God is she beautiful. To me, she is so ehtereal ::BIG WORD HALEY! SMILE!:: like an angel. She's what I needed in my life to get me together again. Plus, her kisses are like chocolate: mmm-mmm good- or maybe that's McDonalds…whatever.

Hmm…Hales, what else should I write about my lovely, beautiful girlfriend? Um-she's hot-smokin'. Hales, don't hit me! See what abuse I got through cause I like her? Fine, Haley, here, take it back…

So, now with that interruption from my friend…is it boyfriend now?…it is, it is! With that interruption from my _boy_friend, let's see….

**Ooooohhh, presents-I got those! For once!  
**

**I got a car!  
**

**::gasp in shock::  
**

**A Mazda RX-it's silver-Karen & Keith must really like me. It's a nice car, I love it. They know that.  
**

**Um-oh, and a membership to a gymnastics and dance studio. I love this world that I've come to-I get to join a gym that produces champions in competitions. The dance studio is amazing, also. I'm gonna love it.  
**

**Oh, and I got Nathan.  
**

**He was a nice present. And now he's grinning like a chesire cat. Great, Hales, nice way to feed his ego. Great. Nice, nice, Hales. Dammit.  
**

**Now he's not smirking. Hehehe…GO HALEY!  
**

**What else?  
**

**Oh, Nathan gave me a Raven's hoodie. Typical Nathan. Oh, now he gives me a pouty face. I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT! NO! GO AWAY! I get a smile…awww…oh no….he's got kisses…kisses!…wow, Nathan's kisses are…NO! NEVERMIND! GET MIND OUT OF GUTTER AND BACK ON TRACK! IF NATHAN WOULD STOP KISSING ME! **

_True love brings up everything - you're allowing a mirror to be held up to you daily--Jennifer Aniston_

True love. Everyone dreams of true love. Even I do! I feel that Nathan might be able to give me that. One day, I might be able to say I love him. And, maybe, just maybe, he'll be able to say it back.

Haley closed the journal, looking at Nathan as she did so, staring hard at him. "What?" he asked, pushing some of her hair behind her ear. "You're beautiful, you know?"

"Nathan-"

"You are. The most beautiful girl that I know." She smiled, biting her bottom lip. "You're having doubts."

"No, I'm not….just…I know about your reputation, and I know you aren't like that anymore, but it still hurts to know that you might break my heart," she whispered reluctantly, looking out of her window. At school, the gossip of some of the girls had really shaken her, the rumors of his past infidelities, of his many hook-ups, his experience versus her naïveness. She felt the shift in her bed, his hands running from her knee to mid-shin.

"Haley, what's gotten in to you? You aren't like that…I know you aren't gonna listen to what I did in my past…stuff I regret." Haley looked up at him, still biting her bottom lip. "Cause if you do, I'm not gonna subject myself to this relationship. I like you Haley, I like you a lot, but it'd hurt me to let you in when you are believing that I'm gonna be the person to cheat on you, okay? That's it."

Haley smiled, laughing a little, making him look at her questioningly. "I believe you. It's just, since we were caught holding hands, all these girls want to talk about hooking up with you and what a good lay you are. God, I turn so red, and I tell them that I wouldn't know, because I'm not a whore."

Nathan climbed up to sit beside her, wrapping his arms around her. "Don't listen to them. I'm not gonna push you, Haley. I want this to work; I need this to work. You balance me, and I hopefully give hope to you."

Haley nodded, placing a soft kiss on his lips, laying her head on his shoulder. He felt her sigh into his skin, placing the lightest of light kisses there. "So, I take it school was a little rough for you?" Nathan asked her, running his hands through her gorgeous, silky hair. She nodded, biting her bottom lip. "I'm sorry. Anyone I can beat up?"

"Nah. Just a bunch of girls who though it'd be fun to torment me with lame-$$ rumors about **my** boyfriend," Haley returned with a small laugh as she closed her eyes, the weariness of the day passing, her heart hoping the next day proved to be a little bit better.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"Did you hear the latest news?" As a freshman fresh out of the dramatics of middle school, Tiffany Peter's favorite hobby was to gossip about the upperclassmen. "Nathan Scott was seen holding hands with that charity case!"

"What?" the bunch of giggly girls turned to their friend. To them, Nathan was a teenage god-he was an Adonis, a Romeo, and they all wanted to be his Juliet. None of them really realized that they probably would never have a chance.

"Yeah! I heard from Lisa Parker who heard from Jenny Levitz's who heard from Ken Taylor who heard from Baker Sanchez who heard from that cheerleader Bevin who heard straight from Brooke Scott herself that Nathan was dating this Halley-girl."

"What? OH MA GAH!" Terry Hart squealed. "That biatch! Stealing my man like that!"

From across the cafeteria, a hush silenced the crowd as Nathan and Haley walked in. Nathan's arm was around her waist, leading her to their table. Nathan's eyes didn't stray from Haley, making sure she was comfy before going to get them food. Terry turned back to the girls. "Watch this." She stood, getting into line behind her favorite object-of-affection. "Hey, Nathan," she purred, rubbing up against him slightly.

"Hey," he replied, looking down at her strangely, pulling away. "What the hell are you doing?"

"C'mon, Nathan-you know you want me-"

"No, I really don't. See that girl over there? Short, auburn hair, beautiful chocolate eyes?" Terry nodded, not bothering to take her eyes off of Nathan. "That's Haley James. _My Girlfriend._ Leave me alone before she comes over to kick your a$$."

"But Nathan, why would you want that fat cow-faced whore when you could have me?"

"Fat cow-faced whore? Have you looked in the freakin' mirror. I don't know you. And yeah, before I was okay screwing some random whore, like yourself, but now-no." Nathan quickly called to Lucas, who came to Nathan's rescue, glaring at the girl. "Hey, man."

"Hey, Nate. Who is this?" Lucas asked, studying Terry.

"Heck if I know. So, we leave Sunday right? For the ski lodge?"

"Yup-"

"Thank God. Can you grab that salad for me for Hales?" Nathan reached over to grab a hamburger and fries, taking the salad from Lucas' hands, going up to the lady taking the cash, handing over some money, leaving a distraught Terry behind.

Tiffany and the others were laughing at the blonde as she came back to her own table, shooting daggers to Haley, who was smiling at something Peyton had said. "Yes, you really changed his mind, Terry."

"Just you wait. My family owns a winter house near there-I'll get him to notice me. More so than that Haley chick," Terry vowed, looking once again at the table, where Haley had scooted over to accommodate her boyfriend's big body.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"So, that was what we call desperate," Nathan commented to Haley after explaining what had happened. She had ended up choking on a cucumber from laughing. She was still laughing when she leveled her eyes at Terry, who glared back at her. She smirked-God, she had been hanging out with Nathan too much- and turned back to the conversation, where Tim was attempting to establish some form of a joke.

"Haley, did you take those French notes?" Brooke asked suddenly, making Haley turn to glance at her, biting into the lettuce of her salad. "For Madame Moutier's class? Please tell me you did, or else I'm done for."

"Isn't there a test today?" Haley asked, turning back to her salad.

"Uh, yeah, which is why I need your notes."

"You are helpless. Come by my locker after lunch and I'll give you my notebook."

"Thank you! I love you, Haley!"

"Hey! She's already taken!" Nathan called, wrapping his arms around Haley jokingly and pulling her from his sister.

"Everyone wants a piece of me today," Haley joked, a happy smile on her face. She shrugged off Nathan's arms, seeing the hurt in his eyes. She try to shrug off the look, standing up to dump her salad in the trash. Brooke followed her.

"What's wrong with you, H. James?" Brooke asked as she led Haley into the bathroom.

"It's not Nathan, Brooke, I promise. I-I just…I remember that dude's arms around me, leading me into the room. I heard the lock and I was so scared, Brooke, because I didn't know what to do, and I felt so weak. And I remember his arms-his hands-" Haley felt Brooke hug her tight, running her hands up and down the girl's back soothingly. "JESUS CHRIST! WHY CAN'T I GET HIM OUT OF MY FREAKIN' HEAD?" Haley screamed, running her hand through her hair, banging her head lightly against the wall.

"Haley?" she jumped, turning around to face the person, punching the person in the chest.

"Sh!t, Haley!" Lucas called, doubled over. "God, I just came to see if you were okay."

"Sorry, Lucas," she whispered, looking at Nathan, who was leaning against the wall, arms across his chest.

"What's wrong, Haley?" Nathan asked, watching as she went to the sink, leaning over it. She gasped, twisting on her feet towards a stall, feeling the contents of her stomach spew out of her mouth into the toilet. It was the combination of fear, nervousness, regret, memories of what happened. "Brooke, go get some water and the nurse; Luke, I have an extra shirt in my gym locker; can you go get it?"

Haley's mind flashed to the party.

_"Nathan, Lucas, help me…." she sobbed, scratching at the boy's face as he pressed hard kisses on her lips. "No! NO! NO! PLEASE! STOP! PLEASE!"  
_

_He bit chest hard, making her gasp in shock and pain. Her hands stopped, and he grabbed them, again slamming them into the headboard. "Shut up, you stupid b--ch! No one's gonna come cause no one cares about you. I mean, why would Nathan care? He can bang any girl he wants, why would he choose you? You're lucky!" His cold brown eyes trailed to her jeans, and she realized what he wanted. She struggled harder, kicking him, spitting at him. She winced as his flat palm slapped her.  
_

"_Lucky? No one….no one likes you!" she tried to scream, her voice fading, as did her strength. "No one!"  
_

"_B--ch! I'm sure you like it rough-" _

I'm sure you like it rough-

Rough..

She shivered against the memories, telling herself to get a grip. He wasn't here, she wasn't gonna let him take over her world-she couldn't. Because then, he'd win. And that was the very thing that she didn't want.

"Haley? I'm Nurse Taggart, Brooke came and got me. Said you got sick in the-well, I guess you did. Does your stomach hurt?"

"It-It isn't anything like that," Haley whispered, closing her eyes.

"Then what was it, sweetheart?" the nurse asked, looking to Nathan.

"I was almost raped a week ago-it was that."

"Why-" She turned to glare at Nathan. "I think you have a lot of explaining to do, Mr. Scott-"

"Nathan didn't do it! The guy's in prison now," Haley explained softly, leaning over the bowl as she threw up once again. Nathan quickly pulled her hair back, whispering words of comfort in her hair. She gripped the side of the bowl as tightly as possible as her stomach tightened, squeezing out the last possible thing in it.

"Honey, I'm gonna go call Karen to take you home, okay…" Haley nodded, feeling Nathan rub her arms gently.

"Nathan, I'm…I'm sorry-"

"Don't worry about it, Haley. You go home and go get better for yourself, okay? I'll be with you the whole time," Nathan replied. Haley nodded, turning back to the bowl as another wave of nausea passed through her.

Outside of the bathroom, Terry Hart smiled with delight. That was just rich. It was like a scene out of her favorite soap. Nathan didn't need to deal with a girl with all those problems. Terry would make him see what he really needed-not a two-bit whore who threw herself on men like Haley obviously did.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Karen knocked on the door to Haley's room, entering when she heard the girl's approval. She had a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip ice cream in her hands, ready to let the girl talk through her emotions as she downed herself in that goodness of cookie dough ice cream. "Haley, honey?" Haley was staring out the window on her window seat, her notebook beside her.

"Hey, Karen," Haley whispered, not turning to look at the woman. The bruises on her wrists had nearly faded, but her cheek was still red, and on the side of her neck, she still had fading bite marks from where that bastard Josh Buchanen had bitten her.

"Sweetheart, we need to talk about what happened. We haven't yet, and I think that's why this is happening to you." Haley stared at Karen, her eyes darkened. "Why don't you come sit on the bed…I have ice cream for you…"

Haley laughed, grabbing the ice cream, sitting beside Karen on the bed. "So, what do you want to know?"

"I know what happened that night from the police, Haley, but I want to know what you were thinking?"

Haley nodded, biting her lip as she took a slow bite of ice cream. "I went to that party with Luke and Nathan, even though I really didn't want to. I was sitting there, looking bored, and this guy comes up….I met him earlier, at the game, and I guess he was insulted that I brushed him off. He was annoying me, and I told him to go away, but he handed me a drink-and foolish, stupid me drank it. God-I knew something was gonna happen, Karen, I _knew_ it, but I still took that drink."

"Haley, you can blame yourself all you want for that, but this isn't your fault, period. You didn't make him put the drug in your drink, and you didn't make him try to rape you-"

"I was the one who screwed up, Karen. I trusted someone I knew I shouldn't have, and it came back to bite me in the a$$. It's happened before I have yet to learn my lesson," she whispered, taking a bite of cookie dough goodness. "And no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I'm wrong, that it's not my fault, ultimately it comes to that fact. And that makes me sick. I could've gotten raped, and it would have been my fault."

"Haley, you can cry, okay? It's not a bad sign for you to cry, to show some emotion-"

"I'm not one to sit in the bathtub curled up and cry, okay? It's just not gonna happen. I'm scared, and I'm shaken, but I'm not out."

"Then what is it with Nathan that scares you so much, Haley? Nathan would _never_ hurt you, and you know that."

"The memories. I might be tough, but those memories are killer," Haley responded. "And no matter how Nathan tries, I can't shake those memories….that guy slapped me around like I was some two-bit whore…he called me a b--ch, he told me I deserved it…he made me feel so dirty…"

"Haley, don't. That guy is an SOB who deserves to stuck in some prison cell with some psycho murder that takes pleasure in causing other people and hates rapists, okay? If anyone is the dirty, two-bit whore, then he is. Not you."

Haley nodded, putting the lid on the ice cream. "Can I just…sleep?"

"Sure, sweetheart. Do you want me to let Nathan up if he comes a beckoning?"

Haley nodded again, laying down. Karen kissed her forehead, taking the ice cream and spoon, closing Haley's door on her way out. When Karen was gone, Haley felt her lip quiver, her body shake, and tears start to fall down her face.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Her body was curled around a huge stuffed animal she had brought with her from Illinois, one Jase had given her from Christmas. "Haley?" Nathan whispered, opening the door, a vase of white roses, her favorite, in his hands. He put the vase of flowers on her nightstand, sitting on the edge of her bed just as his cell phone rang. He silently cursed it, hoping he didn't wake Haley. He left her room, regret staining his face, finally putting his cellphone up to his ear. "Yeah?"

"Nathan, that's no way to speak to your Grandfather."

Nathan rolled his eyes, opening the door to Lucas' room, waving at his best friend as he sat on the bed. "Apparently not," he replied sarcastically, catching the controller from Lucas as they waited to play NBA Live.

"Nathan Scott! If you would have done that to your father-"

"He would have laughed and asked me what I wanted. So now, without further talk, what do you want?"

"For you to come home and practice. You had better be good for Castleton this year….you were weak at the last game-"

"No."

"What did you say?"

"I said no, Grandpa. I'll come home when I want and I'll freakin' practice when I want!" Nathan said, nodding to Lucas to start the game. "I'm not comin' home just because you said to. Go find someone else to annoy." Nathan threw his phone onto Lucas' bed, groaning in annoyance as it rang again and again and again. "I swear, I'm going to kill myself if he doesn't go somewhere."

"Well, he's not coming with us on vacation, so you'll get a break then, Nathan."

"That's not enough, Luke. He's on my a$$ daily about doing this and that and perfection and dammit, I just don't want to hear it! I try so hard to do everything right, and yet I get nothing-_nothing_-in return."

The phone rang again, and Nathan picked it up. "What the fu¢k do you want?" Nathan yelled, his eyes widening in fear.

"Nathan Scott, I suggest you get home now-" Dan was not happy to hear his son use that language, especially not with him.

"Yes…yes, sir…I'm sor-"

"Now, Nathan." Nathan hung up the phone, pushing himself up.

"I gotta go. Um…yeah, that was my dad-"

"That doesn't sound good. Good luck, man."

Nathan nodded, his back rigid with nervousness as he walked out of the house.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Dan was livid with anger as Nathan gently closed the door to the house. "NATHAN! IN HERE NOW!" Nathan shrunk back, never hearing his father like that; never had his father yelled at him like that. He made his way to the living room, sitting on the couch where Dan was pointing.

"Da-"

"No!" Nathan shuddered in silence, knowing this wasn't going to be good. "How dare you say that to me, Nathan? What the _hell_ were you thinking? Or were you?" Nathan didn't say anything. "That's it…you're grounded for a month. And you won't be going with us to the lodge-you can stay here with your grandfather-"

"But, Dad-"

"Nathan. I suggest if you don't want this punishment to be even longer, you will shut up." Nathan nodded, his eyes hard with hate. "I'm disappointed in you, Nathan…very disappointed."

"Yeah, well, we'll just add you to the list of people I've disappointed," Nathan muttered.

"What did you say?" Nathan shook his head. "Good. I want all your games, dvds, cds, your laptop and your ipod packed up and outside your room by tonight, got it?"

"But, Dad, I need my computer for school-"

"If you are good, you can have it back at the end of the break. Until then, you can use the one in my office as long as you ask me first and show me exactly what you're doing." Nathan nodded, standing up, not caring anymore. "Nathan!" He stopped as his father called him, not turning back around. "I love you, son."

Nathan didn't say a word, just stood there, biting his bottom lip, wondering if he should say what was on his mind. _What the hell?_ he thought; what was his father going to do, ground him some more? "I'm sure at times you actually do," he snapped harshly, running up the steps before his father could say anymore.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

**So, no Nathan on the aspen trip. And let the drama begin. It has...I have officially turned this in to a dramatic plot!**

**Next time: _Nathan sat in his room, on his bed, throwing his basketball in the air, catching it again, throwing it, catching it. He ignored the knock on the door, his father calling out for him to unlock the door. If he was stuck at home for the next fifteen days alone with his grandfather, he wasn't gonna be nice to the person making him do it. _**

"Uh…what the hell? Why would you do something as fucked up as that?"  
"You getting into your room each night will be dependent on a new training regiment that I have mapped out for each day this break. Do you understand me?"  
"You're a little bit psycho, aren't you?"

Six hours of running, of suicides, to 'strengthen' him, to push his 'conditioning'. Bye the time he finished, it was well after nine. He stumbled inside, out of breath, looking around for water. He grabbed a bottle from the frig, leaning on the counter to catch his breath. Usually, his house was so decorated for Christmas; Deb loved going all out for the holiday, but today it was bare and lonely.

"What is it?" she asked, her face concerned.  
"Um, there are some cops looking for you. From Lancaster."

**  
**


	8. Chapter 8

-1**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OTH**

**Chapter Eight**

**Misery Is The Face I Wear**

**December 18th**

_You need a friend  
I'll be around  
Don't let this end  
Before I see you again  
What can I say to convince you  
To change your mind of me?  
I'm going to love you more than anyone  
I'm going to hold you closer than before  
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free  
I'll be free for you anytime  
I'm going to love you more than anyone_

More than Anyone--Gavin Degraw

Okay, so this royally sucks. Nathan's grounded and isn't going with us to wherever they're ski lodge is-Colorado, I think. Aspen, to be more specific. Instead, he (and poor him!) gets to stay here with Royal and be criticized and hurt and forced to practice with nothing at home to do-his dad took away everything that is of interest to him, including his car! He secretly called me using Brooke's cellphone to tell me that he won't even be coming to say goodbye-he can't stand to see his father right now.  


**That's totally understandable.  
**

**Dan's being an a$$.  
**

**I'm gonna miss Nathan. I know, I was shaky last time I saw him, but I'm okay now…totally over what could have been. I wanted Nathan to be here to make it up to him, the time he had watched over me with no results, but no. He won't even be with his family for Christmas. Besides Royal. And how Christmasy can that be?  
I have a Christmas present for him-not much, but I know he'll like it regardless, but I'm gonna give it to him when we get back on the 2nd, not too long. Who am I kidding? That's a horrifically long time….it's fifteen days-more than two weeks…**

Nathan sat in his room, on his bed, throwing his basketball in the air, catching it again, throwing it, catching it. He ignored the knock on the door, his father calling out for him to unlock the door. If he was stuck at home for the next fifteen days alone with his grandfather, he wasn't gonna be nice to the person making him do it.

Outside the wooden door, Dan sighed. He had only wanted to tell his son goodbye, that he loved him, that he'd make sure they called everyday. Nathan wasn't even talking to him-he hadn't said one word to him since the harsh critique of his 'love' on Monday.

"Nathan, please open the door." Silence. "Um, fine….I love you, Nathan. Just wanted to make sure you know that no matter how mad you get at me, that I love you. We'll make sure to call everyday to see how things are going, and I hope you have fun with your grandfather. I'm sure you will. If you ever decide to unlock your door and tell us goodbye, we also have your Christmas presents. I'm sorry you aren't going to be with us over Christmas, but when we get back-"

"Why don't you just go now, Dad? I don't care," Nathan yelled, throwing his basketball at the door, hearing it slam into the door and bounce off.

"Nathan, that was uncalled for. Now, I demand you open the door…stop being ridiculous-"

"Ridiculous? How's this for ridiculous: man leaving son over Christmas with the Asshole of the Year winner?" Nathan yelled, hurling a basketball trophy to the door, watching it break apart.

"Nathan! Stop throwing a tantrum!"

"Bite me, Dad," Nathan yelled back, wishing he could say something more hurtful. "And you can take your Christmas present and go to hell!"

"Fine, Nathan. I'll see you in two weeks. Have fun with your grandfather." Dan turned from the door, walking stiffly down the steps to join the rest of his family. "I guess he's not coming out. Brooke, you ready to go?" The girl glared at him, clearly angry at him.  
"I'm going to wait in the car with Haley."

"Brooke…" He turned helplessly to his wife, who shook her head.

"No. You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nathan tried to block out the incessant knocking on the door, but it wasn't working. With no music, no tv, no games, there was nothing to do in his room. He sat up, going to his drawers, pulling out some pants and a hoodie, smiling at his ipod, which Brooke had snuck back into his room. He stuffed it in the hoodie's pocket, unlocking his door, shoving past his grandfather. "And where do you think you're going, young man?"

"Where I'm going is none of your business," Nathan snapped, on his way down the steps, slamming the door on his way out. He started off on a jog, way away from the house before he pulled out his ipod. He made his way to the rivercourt, grabbing the ball from the bleachers. He took his shots, ten free throws, dunking, suicides…anything to stay away from that house.

When he got back, the sun was fading over North Carolina. Haley would be in Colorado now, and he missed it-he was missing her first time trying to ski or snowboard or whatever she decided to try. Brooke had also left him her cellphone and Haley's number so that he could call her without her parents knowing. Nathan opened the door to the house, something different about it. He walked up the stairs to his room, pushing open the door…except that it wouldn't budge. Oh God…he turned to face his grandfather. "What the hell did you do to my room?"

"You're locked out."

"Uh…what the hell? Why would you do something as fu¢ked up as that?"

"You getting into your room each night will be dependent on a new training regiment that I have mapped out for each day this break. Do you understand me?"

"You're a little bit psycho, aren't you?"

"Each program will last from six in the morning to eleven at night."

"Totally crazy…"

"And they will include cardio, strengthening, conditioning-"

"Psycho-bastard is what you are-"

"A four hour run in the morning, a four hour run each night-"

"God, no. I am NOT gonna kill my body for you! For some dumb image you have in your crazy mind of what perfection is…because that image will kill me-"

"You will do this program, or I'll call your father."

Nathan abruptly stopped talking, glaring at his grandfather, taking a deep breath. Calling his father-Nathan knew his father would send him to some institution or bootcamp or boarding school. "Fine," he said through clenched teeth.

"Good. We'll start with suicides now…I want a thousand of them before you get dinner tonight."

Nathan sighed, moving past his grandfather to the court outside. This was going to be hell.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"Danny, Nathan doesn't really want to talk to you tonight," Royal lied, eyeing Nathan, still running on the court. He had slowed down within the four or five hours he had been running.

"Dad, I want to talk to him. You go get him."

"Danny, he's locked himself in his room, won't come out."

In Colorado, Dan sighed, looking at his wife and Brooke, enjoying their dinners. Dan was worried about his son. He was hoping that by now, he'd get over whatever it was and come talk to his father. Nathan didn't realize it, but in his Christmas present there was a ticket to Aspen. He'd be coming on an early morning flight the 26th.

"Danny? You still there?"

"Yeah, Dad. Um, okay, well…tell him we miss him."

"I will. He probably misses you, too." Royal hung up the phone, going out to the court.

"So how many is this, Nathan?"

"Eight hundred…ninety-seven," Nathan answered, not looking up at his grandfather.

"Good boy. I want it done within the next thirty minutes; then we'll get you doing some weights, then you go to bed."

Nathan nodded, knowing the next two weeks were going to be hell. How could his father do this to him? How couldn't he see the face of misery he wore? Nathan pushed the thoughts out of his head, turning back to the task at hand: one hundred and three more suicides.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Christmas Day. It had been almost a week since the Scott's had gone to Winter Paradise, leaving Nathan alone with exercise Nazi. Nathan's body ached with the abuse that it had been suffering, every muscle sore and exhausted, not knowing how much more they could take before they absolutely gave out. The food deprevation was also killing him, slowly, day by day, letting his body writhe and fail.

"Nathan, it's five, get up and get ready to run!" Royal yelled, opening the door. Nathan stared up at him, his eyes sunken in.

"Did….did Dad leave me anything?" Nathan asked in a whisper, staring out of the window, not really wanting to feel his grandfather's criticism face-to-face.

"Why would he? You're not the son that he could love. You're worthless to him."

"Grandpa, do you ever think that I get tired of hearing that? I'm seventeen and yet you put the weight of the world on my shoulders."

"Get dressed. You just added more to your workout."

"Grandpa, it's Christmas-"

"No rest for the weary, Nathan."

"No rest for the weary my a$$," Nathan muttered, climbing out of bed, grabbing his shirt

and sweatpants.

He spent hour upon hour upon hour in the gym, lifting weights for what seem forever, his arms popping in and out of place, the pain so real, so near that it tore at his soul, at his core. He watched as his grandfather added more weight to the already heavily bar, twenty-five pounds. That brought the total to 245. Nathan's arms were trembling as he lifted the bar, hearing his grandfather criticize his position, his lifting technique, everything. Nathan gulped, trying not to kill himself.

Next, was running. Running was usually such a joy to Nathan, calming him, relaxing him, soothing his fears with the wind that ran around him. But his grandfather had taken this secret passion and turned it into something revolting, something that absolutely disgusted him and made him regret his life.

Six hours of running, of suicides, to 'strengthen' him, to push his 'conditioning'. Bye the time he finished, it was well after nine. He stumbled inside, out of breath, looking around for water. He grabbed a bottle from the frig, leaning on the counter to catch his breath. Usually, his house was so decorated for Christmas; Deb loved going all out for the holiday, but today it was bare and lonely.

Nathan glared at Royal, who came to stand at the doorway of the kitchen. "You did a good job today, Nathan. You probably want to get some sleep…you have to get up tomorrow to run." Nathan sighed, making his way to his room…how did life get this screwed up? He should be in Aspen with his father and his mother and his sister and his girlfriend and his best friend-not here, killing himself for some jackass.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Dan was seething as he pulled his car into the driveway of his house. When Nathan hadn't shown up on the plane, Dan caught the next flight back to North Carolina with the intention of dragging his son to Aspen. He opened the door, hearing someone outside on the court. That would have to be Nathan. Dan walked outside, his eyes bulging in horror when he saw what he saw: Nathan covered in sweat, and Royal yelling at him.

"What the _hell_ are you doing, Dad?" Dan roared, making his son and his father look at him in shock, Nathan slipping and falling on the court. Dan softened a little bit, going to help his son up. "Nathan, why don't you get back in the house? Grab a water and go lay down. I'll be up to talk to you in a minute." Nathan looked at him uncertainly. "Hey, it'll be okay. Can you get back to your room all right?" Nathan nodded mutely, starting on his way back. Dan's rage came back as he looked at Royal. "Are you _fu¢king_ stupid? What are you doing? Did you see him? He's pale! He looks like he's about to die."

"He was training."

Dan shook his head, his lips pursed in a tight line. "How long has he been running?"

"Danny, he's-"

"HOW LONG, DAD?"

"Since five this morning."

"Get out."

"Danny-"

"No, I'm tired of this. He's my son! You treat him like a piece of trash! SO GET OUT!"

"Danny, he ruined your life-"

"No, he didn't, Dad. Nathan and Brooke are the most important things in my life- I wouldn't give them up for anything, and that includes basketball. They didn't ruin my life; they made it better. So get your stuff, and get out of here. I won't let you hurt him anymore!"

Inside, Nathan was trembling as he sat at the island in the kitchen, attempting to stop shaking long enough to get the cap to the water off. "GOD DAMMIT!" He yelled, throwing the water across the room, watching it slam into the frig. His forehead brushed the island's hard surface as he closed his eyes, not hearing the door open and the hurried steps upstairs, others to the kitchen.

"Nate, here's your water, drink some," Dan said gently, opening the frig and pulling out some food. "I'll make you some cheese pizza, okay?" Nathan nodded, not looking up at his father. He jumped when Dan put a hand on his shoulder. "Nathan, it's okay, it's just me. I'm sorry…I'm so sorry. I didn't know-"

"I know, Dad. I tried to call you, but he wouldn't let me on the phone. It was practicing and training all day-"

"I believe you, son. I'm gonna take care of you, okay? We're gonna get some food into you, get you rested up, kay? I'm not gonna let you suffer anymore," Dan promised. Nathan nodded, taking a soothing drink of water. "Nate, how did this happen?"

"He threatened to call you. And he locked the door to all the rooms in the house."

"He's gone now, and he isn't coming back. We thought you were gonna be on that plane, and your mom was so excited…when you didn't show…I thought there was something wrong…"

"Well, I think we can definitely say that something was definitely wrong," Nathan said, laughing a little. "So, are you going back?"

"Uh?" 

"To Aspen?"

"No. Brooke and your mom should be home tomorrow…"

"I didn't mean to ruin everyone's fun-"

"Nate, this isn't your fault. Now, did you at least like your Christmas presents?"

"I actually didn't get them."

"WHAT? DAD!" Dan yelled, his eyes furrowing in anger as he made his way up the steps. Nathan heard arguing, then saw his father walking down with perfectly wrapped presents. "I think once your mom and Brooke get home you have some things to open." Nathan nodded, the smell of pizza enticing him. The buzzer went off, and Nathan opened the oven, pulling out the pan, smiling at the cheese pizza. He loved cheese pizza, and his father knew it. He had since he was very young, at his first basketball game, when Dan had bought him some from the concession stand. "Well, Nate, are you just gonna stand there or are you going to get something to cut it with?" Dan asked with a laugh, setting two plates on the counter and handing Nathan the pizza slicer. "So, I was thinking that tomorrow we'd decorate the house a little bit? I know it's past Christmas, but I always loved the decorations."

"Is it okay if I just sleep through that? I'm tired and sore-"

"I'm also gonna take you to the doctor, okay? I want to make sure everything's okay." Dan's faced watched Nathan with concern as he sliced the pizza. "You've lost a lot of weight and that's not good for you. We'll get you started on some kind of diet to help you gain back the weight, definitely quit the training for a while-"

"Dad, can I not worry about that now?"

"Well, someone has to. But, dig in-"

"Thanks for coming back for me, Dad."

"Nathan, I just wanted you with your family. When you didn't come, I freaked. You would have jumped at the chance to come to Aspen-I'm just happy that I followed through with my feelings and came home."

"Me, too, Dad; me, too."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley hugged Nathan tight as he stood there at the airport, waiting for her. He looked bad, eyes hollow and emotional, his skin pale, his whole body tired. "Hey," she whispered, kissing him gently, not wanting to hurt him. He hugged her tight again, just wanting her to be near to him.

"Hey, you," he returned, giving her a small smile. "Did you have fun?"

"Without you? With the two lovebirds over there that don't know it?" She laughed, intertwining their hands. "Not a chance. I fell on my a$$ day after day until I just wouldn't do it anymore. I liked the shopping though-your sister can shop 'til she drops."

"Yeah, that she can," Nathan answered lightly, looking to his sister.

"What about you? You don't look so good."

"I'm better now. Or at least I'm getting there. I went to the doctor, but I think _you_ can get me better more than some vitamins can," Nathan answered, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Hey, Nate," Lucas greeted his best friend, making him turn. They shared a 'man' hug before Lucas looked his friend over. "You doing better?"

"Yeah. I have another appointment with the doctor in a week, but yeah, I'm better."

"Good. I was a little worried there for you, buddy. Next time I'll have Haley stuff you in a bag and bring you with us." Nathan laughed, giving his sister a big hug.

"Did you have fun?" he asked.

"Not without you, bro. You know that."

Nathan smirked, knowing she was lying. "Admit you at least had a little bit of fun."

"Fine, a little bit. But I totally bought you a lot of stuff to make up for you not being there."

"And that's why I love my sister. My spot being filled with clothes," Nathan laughed, smiling as Deb came up, hugging him tight.

"God, I missed you, Nate," she whispered, kissing his forehead.

"I missed you, too, Mom. And your cooking." Deb laughed, a serious look overcoming her face. "I'm fine, Mom, I promise."

"You promise? I'm gonna kill your grandfather-literally rip him to pieces."

"Mom, please don't. I like you, and want to keep you around for awhile." Deb laughed again.

Haley soon replaced Deb in a hug, "We ready to go?" Dan asked, hugging his daughter.

Nathan nodded, kissing Haley's forehead.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley shivered as she felt Nathan's lips on her neck. She hadn't ever felt kisses like his- soft, sweet, caring even. She turned to look at him, the night darkening her face. He smiled, pushing her hair behind her ear. "What is it, Haley?" he asked.

"For once in my life, I'm worried about hurting you," she answered, afraid of his reaction. "Instead of it being the other way around. I'm afraid I'm gonna break you."

"You won't. I'm fine," Nathan assured her, pulling her to him.

"No, you aren't. I got off the plane and didn't recognize you. What did your grandfather do to you?"

"Nothing that can't be fixed," Nathan responed, kissing her again. When she held back, he sighed. "I'm not gonna die of a kiss, Haley. Promise."

"You might not die, but-"

"Kiss me."

"No."

"Please, Hales."

She laughed, raising an eyebrow. "You're begging me to kiss you?"

"Only if it will actually get you too."

"It might, Scott; it just might," she replied, leaning down to kiss him, feeling his hands wrap around strands in her hair. She pulled away and he groaned, staring at her questioningly. "I've got to go. It's eleven, Karen & Keith will be worried."

"Stay with me tonight," Nathan whispered, not wanting to be without her touch, her warmth. "Please."

"Nathan, I can't-" His phone went off then, and he groaned again, sitting up and grabbing it from the nightstand.

"Hey. What?" He glanced to Haley, his eyes darkening in concern. "Yeah. Yeah. Okay, man, bye."

"What is it?" she asked, her face concerned.

"Um, there are some cops looking for you. From Lancaster."  
Haley pushed away from Nathan as quick as possible, fumbling for her shoes. "Haley, Haley, calm down," Nathan whispered, right behind her, grabbing his own shoes. "Hale-"

"No! I knew this was gonna happen!" she yelled at him, pushing her hair out of her face. She stood, grabbing her jacket. He again followed her, waving to his parents on their way out. Haley ran all the way across the lawn to her house, throwing open the door. Two people sat with Karen and Keith in living room. "Hi."

"Haley, this is-"

"Well, well, well, Miss James," one of the cops said, standing up to look at her.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

So, Royal went bye bye, and now there's a new guy in town. SUSPENSE!!! THank you to all who replied! Love y'all, and I will update as soon as possible!


	9. Chapter 9

-1**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OTH**

**Chapter Nine: Reality Doesn't Know Who I Am**

"What are you doing here?" Haley asked, backing up, feeling Nathan behind her. "You shouldn't be here. You should be in jail."

"You've gotta love parole, Haley James," the man replied snidely, glancing to Nathan. "God, you can fool 'em so easily with good behavior."

"No-you shot someone. You killed someone! You shouldn't be here."

"Well, maybe some clerk got paid to make a typo, but whatever."

"Haley, who is he?" Haley's eyes shot to Nathan, who was glaring at the man.

"What, Hales, didn't tell him all about your poor pathetic past? I'm Antonio Forenza. I supposedly shot Lewis Nichols; she helped the damned prosecution put me in jail."

Haley's eyes darkened with rage, which replaced the fright she had been feeling. "NO! YOU SHOT HIM! I SAW YOU! SAW YOU WITH THE GUN! I SAW YOU WITH THE BLOOD ALL OVER YOUR _FUCKING_ HANDS!" Her anger took the rest of the people in the room aback. "DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT YOU AREN'T TO BLAME!"

"Hales, calm down," Nathan whispered in her ear, trying to calm her down. "And you- get the hell out of here before I turn your face into a Picasso painting."

"And you're gonna do that?" Antonio laughed.

"Don't doubt it, b--ch," Nathan replied, standing in front of Haley.

"Don't call me b--ch." Antonio punched Nathan, sending him sprawling to the ground.

Nathan was up in an instant, tackling the bigger, older guy into the couch. They rolled around, throwing punches here and there before Antonio ended up on top.

"Nathan!" Haley cried, pulling at Antonio's shoulder. He turned around and grinned viciously.

"Tell your boyfriend the artist who rearranged his face was me," he commented, turning back to the victim. Lucas jumped over the couch, tackling Antonio off his friend as Keith called the cops. Nathan wasn't moving, and Haley looked weary-eyed at the woman 'officer' that had been with Antonio.

"_¡Antonio, nos dejó va!"_ The woman screamed as she heard sirens. The man sucker-punched Lucas and jumped up, running out of the house.

"Nathan-" Haley whispered uncertainly, dropping down to her knees, touching his face. His eyes bolted open, and he stared up at her. "You don't need to be brave anymore."

"What? I had to protect you-"

Haley laughed. "You really didn't do that well, Nathan," she told him, making him laugh. "But thank you for trying." She leaned down to kiss him, but he backed away as pain bit into his mind from his split-lip. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's okay," Nathan reassured her, sitting up.

She laughed again. "If you saw your face, Nathan, you'd know that it isn't okay. C'mon…let's get you cleaned up."

"Nate, I'll call you parents and see if you can stay here tonight."

Nathan nodded at Keith, who went to grab his cellphone as Haley and Lucas helped him to the kitchen.

**December 28th  
_  
Cause sometimes you feel tired, you feel weak,  
then you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.  
but you gotta search within you, find that inner strength  
And just pull that shit out of you, and get that motivation not to give up  
And not be a quitter no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your  
face.and collapse _**

Till I collaspe-Eminem

I once told Haley that I would never write in something like this, but after seeing her diary and how much it meant to her, this seems like a good idea. I'm not too good with words, don't worry, I know, but today….I need to do this. Do you know what it's like watching your heart break and crush into pieces as it watches your girlfriend and there's nothing you can do about it? I have. I never want to again.

**I don't know how to help her.  
**

**I don't know what to say.  
**

**I can't make it better, and I should be able to. After all, I'm her boyfriend. It's my job. God, I should be fired.  
**

**She has so many problems…but I can't let her go. That's my one, I think. She's the first girl I've ever attempted to get to know, and everyday that goes by, and I see more and more of her beauty, of greatness. And I want to be the one to solve all her problems.  
**

**But I'm just a screwed up kid on my own. I have more than enough problems, like her, that have to do with my family, and I don't want to drag her down with me…  
**

**See what I mean she plays on my mind? Over and over…during class, during basketball, during everything. Her beauty and her grace, oh God…get her off my mind! Please!  
**

**So, while I'm not dwelling on Haley-thoughts (Haley thoughts….we like them Haley-thoughts), I need to dwell on basketball. Whitey helped my dad make a training plan for me that will help me gain back my strength without compromising my life…heheh. I don't know…sometimes I think about what life would be like without basketball…would I be different? Not so hurt?  
**

**Which also reminds me, never get in a fight with a former gang member. He beat the shit out of me…my poor face looks like someone's punching bag. Ahhh….so, I'm here at the Roe's, but I think I might go sneak in to see Haley…I am not gonna sleep well without her. Sex…that's your answer for everything that deals with me. I'm a playboy, all I'm looking for is a good lay. **

You are so wrong. Especially with Haley.

I would never do that to her.

But now I'm gonna go.

_Keep the dream alive don't let it die  
If something deep inside keeps inspiring you to try, don't stop  
And never give up, don't ever give up on you  
Don't give up_--Yolanda Adams

Never give up, but never give in either. Fight for every right you deserve, every right you should have. Hehe, I'm philosophical.

Haley laid in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She was thinking, and she didn't like to think this hard right before she went to sleep. Nathan had put himself out there for her, sacrificing not only his body, but his dignity and pride so that she would be protected.

"Dammit," she breathed out, sitting up in the lucious king sized bed, pushing her hair out of her face. She looked around the dark room, the sudden clap of thunder outside making her jump. She rolled her eyes. "Damn you brain for making me think this late at night."

"You know talking to yourself is the first sign that you have a problem?" Nathan's light voice ran through the room, making her snap her eyes to his sitting form, on her couch.

"What are you doing in here?" she asked, pulling her covers up self-consciensly as she felt her breasts heaving in her tight, tiny camisole.

"Making sure you don't go insane," he answered with a soft smile. "I was watching you sleep; you woke up and you didn't see me, so, I figured I'd just sack out on your couch."

Haley smiled, laughing a little. "The couch'll make you stiff. Why don't you come sleep here?" she patted the spot on the bed beside her.

"You sure, Hales? I don't want to make you uncomfortable; I don't want to hurt you," Nathan whispered, recalling the earlier incident at school.

"I guess we'll find out," she responded, getting out of the bed. She grabbed one of his big hands with her small one and tugged on it. He reluctantly got off the couch, letting her pull him to her bed. He laid down, looking at the sheets.

"You know, this bed really suits you, Hales," he told her, staring into her face. She was staring up at the ceiling, breathing erratically. He rolled over her, making her cringe back into her bed.

"No, please-" she whispered.

"Hales, it's me," Nathan comforted her, running a hand down her cheek. "I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not Josh." He leaned down to nuzzle her neck, placing a gentle kiss there.

"And I would never hurt you like that-never ever." He leaned down again, running his whispery kisses down her neck to her collar bone, feeling her relax millimeter by millimeter. His tongue traced up to her mouth as he captured her lips.

She gasped, hands pushing him away, yet keeping him on her, knowing somewhere subconsciously that it was Nathan. Slowly, with the sweet caress of lips, Nathan's gentle nips on her kiss-swollen lips, she figured out something; he _wasn't_ Josh. Nathan would never hurt her, never try to do anything to her that she didn't agree to. With that realization, she deepened their kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck, arching up into him. He smiled against her lips, knowing he had her back.

Haley slowly pushed him back, watching his eyes drift down to hers, frightened and scared that he had done something wrong. "Wow," she breathed out, leaning into place a slow kiss on his lips. "That was amazing."

"You are amazing, Haley," Nathan whispered, leaning down to kiss her again.

Haley grimaced, pulling away. "And I'm also sleepy."

Nathan laughed, rolling off of her. She snuggled into his side, nuzzling her nose into his ribs as he put an arm around her. "You think they'll mind that I'm in here?" he asked with a smirk, turning to wrap his arms around her.

"Probably," she returned with a laugh. "But if you don't tell, I won't."

Nathan gave her one last kiss before closing his eyes, drifting to dreams of Haley.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Antonio Forenza watched the young couple as they walked down the street hand-in-hand. He grinned sadistically, looking over to his girlfriend, who was putting the gun together in the seat. Today was going to be fun. Haley James was gonna get to feel what he had felt for the past couple of years. He took the gun from her, nodding to her that she could start the car again. It drove closer and closer to the couple, until Antonio finally raised the gun and shot-again and again and again and-

"Haley," Nathan whispered, shaking his girlfriend from the dream she had been having. "It's okay, Haley, I'm right here. Come back to me, baby."

Her eyes opened, and she stared up at him. "Okay, that's it," she whispered, sitting up. "Hand me the phone."

Nathan did as asked, watching as she got out of the bed, going to her desk and finding a card. She ran a hand through her thick auburn hair, sitting in the chair that Nathan had occupied earlier. She stared at the card, biting her bottom lip, then turned to the phone. She swore she'd leave this life alone, that it was behind her-she swore that to herself. She swore it to Jase at the funeral.

She dialed the number, turning to look at Nathan as she heard the ring. "Hello, this is the Lancaster Police Department. How can I help you?"

"Um, I need to speak to Jonah Ross, Narcotics division." Her voice was shaky as she heard the woman switch her over.

"This is Jonah Ross."

"Um, Detective Ross?"

"Yeah. Who is this?" the gruff voice made her even more nervous.

"Haley James, um, from the, uh, James' dru-drug case about two months ago."

"Oh, yes, Miss James. How are you doing down in North Carolina?"

"Uh, fine, but Antonio Forenza just found me."

"Who?"

"He killed my best friend's brother-he was supposed to be in jail. I helped convict him…he was sentenced to life."

"Hold on, Miss James. Let me pull up the case." It was only minutes before he was back on the phone. "Miss James, I suggest you call the cops there."

"Uh, why?"

"Says here that Antonio Forenza escaped from jail ten days ago. Did you tell anyone where you were going?"

"No. The only person I would ever tell would be Jase, and Jase is dead. Period." She hung up the phone after a few minutes. She threw the phone on her bed, holding her head in her hands, hot tears running down her cheeks. "SHIT! DAMMIT! Are you even listening?" she screamed up to the ceiling, to God. "Do you even care?"

Nathan came over, not knowing how to respond. "Haley?" he asked in the tiniest of whispers, taking her hands in his, running his thumbs across her knuckles. "What is it?"

"I am going to take a knife and stab it through his heart," she responded, looking at him. "I need to talk to Karen and Keith and call the cops."

"Why?"

"Because Antonio Forenze escaped from jail ten freakin' days ago."

"What?"

"He's serving life without parole, Nate. God, I am so freakin' STUPID!" she screamed, throwing the phone into her wooden dresser, watching it smash into the wood with satisfaction.

"Haley, Haley stop. Don't let him win."

"I not. I'm gonna kill him and then he's gonna be dead and I don't have to worry about if he's planning to kill you while he's some prisoner's bch."

"I've never heard you talk like this-"

"But this was who I was in Lancaster, Nathan. I wasn't some girly girl, I wasn't classy and elegant; I was rude and crude and I could hurt people and not suffer the consequences of getting hurt back by them."

"Haley, no matter the way you talk or how you think your manners were, you will always have an air of class and elegance around you. And I don't want a girly girl…I want _my_ girl, _my_ Haley."

"Your Haley is being morphed into the b--ch-monster-of-death," Haley whispered. He laughed.

"My Haley is standing right of front of me, and not an ounce of her is b--ch."

"I'm just so tired of this, Nathan. I'm not supposed to be facing this as a teenager! No one should have to face my life. And here I am living it again."

"Haley, I'm not gonna let that happen. I won't let you go-ever. I won't let anyone hurt you, and I will do my best to not hurt you myself."

"Haley, what's going on? Nathan, why are you here?" They both turned, looking at Karen standing sleepily in the doorway.

"I've got to call the cops, Mrs. Roe."

"Why? What for?"

"Antonio Forenza escaped from prison ten days ago," Haley answered, sitting back in her chair.

"Well, why don't you go back to sleep, Haley, and we'll deal with this in the morning. Nathan, I believe there's a bedroom with your name on it?"

"Yes, Mrs. Roe. Night, Hales."

Haley looked at Nathan, giving him a soft kiss. "Night, Nathan," she replied, watching the two leave her room. She grabbed her journal and a pen, stuffing a CD into the stereo on the ground before climbing into her bed.

**December 29th **

_Another one bites the dust  
Another one bites the dust  
Another one bites the dust  
Another one bites the dust  
There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man  
And bring him to the ground  
You can beat him  
You can cheat him  
You can treat him bad and leave him  
When he's down  
But I'm ready, yes I'm ready for you  
I'm standing on my own two feet  
Out of the doorway the bullets rip  
repeating the sound of the beat_

Another One Bites The Dust--_Queen_

Life is shitty, you know? I've been dealt bad karma cards before, but these two months have been heaven. I wish Jase were here with me though, to meet Nathan, who he'd love, and to protect me from all of life's worries. I can't do this on my own….I need my best friend back.

**So, I'm not worried about Antonio. I've taken karate, I know how to defend myself. He's just some lowly bastard that gets on my freaking nerves….  
**

**It's been four hours since I started this entry. I haven't slept, just been staring at the window, contemplating how I got this far from reality. I'm not some girl who's entitled to this kind of privilege and show. This isn't me. I'm the girl from the wrong side of the tracks, the chick that all the guys think is easy when I'm not. I'm the valedictorian determined to word hard to get out of my situation. I don't deserve this life.  
**

**But there's that tiny part of me that tells me I do deserve this, I do deserve not to have to worry about the gangs and the murderers and the criminals that litter the streets of Lancaster preying on the weak, the young, the naïve. And that's the voice I want to listen to.  
**

**Maybe I have, like MPD or something, ya know? I could have multiple personalities the way my moods' swing. So, we can name one personality Haley and the other….we can name the other….Rebecca. Haley and Rebecca tra la la-ing through the daisies…no, Becca likes tulips….and I like poppies…so we're tra la la-ing through the tuppies. The tuppies…how you've got to love the tuppies. I now love tuppies.  
**

**I'm crazy, I know. I go from one end of the spectrum to another in these entries; I hope to God no one ever reads these. I'd be qualified as certifiable.  
**

**Great thoughts.  
**

**It's almost eight in the morning…I hope Karen will take me to see the cops. I don't like the fact that I have to worry about people I love with that psycho. He could seriously hurt someone, and I'd kill myself if it was Nathan or Lucas or Karen or Keith or Brooke.  
**

**Okay, so that came out of left field. But what so far hasn't? I have tuppies, I'm certifiable, and I'm suicidal. Wow.  
**

**C  
**

**R  
**

**A  
**

**Z  
**

**Y  
**

**Can you tell I'm bored? I might just have to contemplate life. Fun! I love that game…I seriously need a pet. Or a hobby. Haven't I already discussed that? Stupid brain. **

_Life's Tough, Get a Helmet-_Eric Matthews, Boy Meets World

So True. Karen, hand me the helmet, I'm in for the long run.


	10. Chapter 10

-1**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OTH**

**Chapter Ten: Rain Washes Away All Feeling**

"Haley?" Karen Roe had been looking for the girl for hours, but had yet to find her in the house. She didn't know if Haley would go outside. It was pouring rain, and freezing. But she might. Haley was going through the worst of times right now, and no one knew what to do to make it better for her. Karen sighed, grabbing her jacket and heading out into the storm.

There was a lake on the edge of the Roe property that bordered onto the Scott's land.

Haley was sitting on the bridge that crossed the lake, watching the water as it bounced and pooled as raindrops hit it. She was numb inside, trying to determine why her life was such a failure. She had nothing, no one to turn to.  
She had had a good life here. Why was it all going away? Her old life was slowly melding into her new one, bringing in memories of pain that she just wanted to forget. Memories of Jase, of everything.

**Flashback**

"Jase, we shouldn't be doing this!" Haley whispered to her best friend as they walked through the cemetery.  


"**What? Are the ghosts going to come out and haunt you?" Jase teased, gasping for breath when Haley punched him, hard. "Haley!"  
**

"**DON'T TEASE ME LIKE THAT! You know how much I hate cemeteries, and dead people! They give me the creeps. What are we doing here, anyway?"  
**

"**Don't you know what today is?" Jase asked, a little hurt that his best friend had forgotten.  
**

"**Um, no..."  
**

"**Today is the anniversary of Lewis' death."  
**

"**Oh, God, Jase...I totally forgot! I'm so sorry," she said, hugging him tight. "How are you holding up?"  
**

"**I've been better, Hales. It's so hard to find stuff that's his and remember...I don't want to remember any of it."  
**

"**I know, Jase, I know. C'mon." She took his hand and led him forward, pass graves, to the very back of the graveyard, to the small headstone. LEWIS SAMUEL NICHOLS. Together they stood there, watching the grave.  
**

**END FLASHBACK**

She brushed tears from her eyes, not that it mattered. The rain kept on pouring down. The rain. At least she could always count on the rain to wash away the tears.

**FLASHBACK**

"Haley, what are you doing out here?" Karen asked the girl as she sat outside on the balcony of the hotel room, rain hitting her as it fell and splattered against the ground. "You're going to catch a cold or something."  


"**I used to love the rain. I'd sit outside, watching it for hours, wondering if I could catch it or capture a rain cloud," Haley said back, not looking at the woman. "I used to love a lot of things. It's sad how much I lost once I grew up to the truth."  
**

"**And what is the truth, Haley?"  
**

"**That the rain isn't going to wash away the pain, or any feeling. It's not going to bring a rainbow. That there is no Santa Claus. That the leprechaun is dead and the pot of gold is gone. The Yellow Brick Road won't lead you to Oz, and that the Scarecrow, the Lion, and the Tin Man aren't ever going to get the parts they need because they're a figment of the imagination. That the real world is cold and cruel and no one ever wants to face that," Haley replied absentmindedly. "And that parents only care when it's in the best interest for them. Best friends never last. We're all going to die."  
**

"**You know, that's not all true. The rainbow only appears where there's light, Santa Claus is a father trying to make his children happy-"  
**

"**Please. That's all bull. Life isn't a bag of chips. It's the thing that pulverizes the chips and kills them."  
**

"**Why would you say that?"  
**

"**Because no matter how hard life has been, it's not going to get better."  
**

"**Haley, come inside," Karen urged the girl, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You aren't alone anymore."  
**

"**Yeah right. And who do I have? My parents? I've never had them. My best friend? Hello, he's in a hole in the ground. Tell me, Karen, really: who do I have? Who's gonna hold my hand when it hurts or take away my pain?"**

END FLASHBACK

"HALEY!" Karen called, running to the girl, sitting on the edge of the bridge. "What are you doing out here?"

"Watching the rain drops."

"You are so cryptic sometimes. C'mon, let's get you back inside. Keith got a fire going, and it'll warm you up pretty quickly."

"Do you realize today is the anniversary of Lewis Nichols' death?" Haley asked pointedly, still not looking up at the woman who had become a motherly figure to her.

"Today, three years ago, I stood outside his apartment building and watched him get shot."

**FLASHBACK**

"Okay, so you have to at least admit that I would have won fair and square had you not cheated."  


"**We were playing pool, Jase. I DID NOT CHEAT!" He just laughed, hugging her tight as they came up to his building. "So, this is your goodbye."  
**

"**Yup. Love you, Hales."  
**

"**You too, Ja-" she stopped short when she saw Jase's older brother, Lewis fighting and cussing out Antonio Forenza. "Great. Gang fight."  
**

**She felt Jase tighten up beside her, watching his older brother interact with the two gang members. He hated the fact that his brother ran a gang. Yes, he was part of the gang, but ever since her drug overdose, he had been pushing himself farther and farther away from the gang identity. "Antonio! Lewis!" she yelled as a knife was pulled from the other guy's pocket. "Stop it!"  
**

"**Miss Haley James, gracing us low-lives with her presence?" Antonio bated the girl, stepping closer to her. She shivered at his touch, then backed away, pushing him hard.  
**

"**Don't you dare touch me!" she yelled, glaring at him. "Do it again and I'll strangle you _lowlife_ with my bare hands. Now, break up the fight before I call the cops."  
**

"**And tell them what? That we're fighting? Cause I'm sure they'd love to know what's cooking in the James household."  
**

"**I'm sure they would. And I'm sure a rat like you would like to tell them," Haley returned, turning back to Jase. "You want to watch a movie?" He nodded, shaking his head at his older brother.  
**

"**Jase-" Lewis tried, but Jase just turned to glare at him. "Jason, please."  
**

"**Don't you _ever_ call me that." He turned to Antonio. "And as for you, you stay away from me if you don't want me to level you ass."  
**

"**I'd kill you first, pretty boy. Just like this." He pulled the gun out of the waistband of his boxers, aiming it at Lewis. And then the shot rang out. And life was never the same.**

END FLASHBACK

"Haley, honey, please, let's get you back inside," Karen pleaded, not exactly sure how to tackle this one. Lucas growing up had a life that included little drama, and now there was Haley, who remembered nothing good in her life except for the best friend that she lost.

"Do you know how much I hate him? I hate Antonio. He's ruined my life. And I won't let him take it much further before I snap."

**December 31st,  
_It's a rainy night  
So take this down to get it right  
The drops hit cold and hard  
But around the noise we're good_**

It's so loud it hurts sometimes  
It's getting faster every night  
I'd like to single out  
Every smack against my head  
Take Time and Find_--The Early November_

I think Karen thinks I'm crazy. Then again, I think I'm crazy, too, so maybe I am. Oh, cart me off to some mental institute that will give me happy drugs. That'd be great. Happy drugs. While dancing in the middle of tuppies. How I love the tuppies. I think the tuppies were made for me. well, duh, Haley, you did make them up

He's killing me. Antonio is making me suffer, and I don't know how much more I can handle before I totally snap and ARRRRGGGHHH

Crap, this is short. I gotta go. Nathan's here...

YAY! NATHAN!

Help me!  


**Save me!  
**

**Don't even bother to listen to me.**

"Hey, baby," Nathan whispered, kissing Haley's forehead as he sat on the bed, watching her close her diary. "You okay?"

"Not really?" she answered, looking up at him. Her hand trailed his bruises. "You okay?"

"Not until I saw you. What's going on, Haley? Karen said that you were out in the rain?"

"I always told you I was crazy."

"No, you aren't. Want to tell me the real reason?"

She looked into his eyes, sighing. "Besides the fact that a murder is apparently stalking me as he escapes from jail? Or that my whole life is falling apart? Or how about just for once I'd like to be the happy go lucky girl I'm supposed to be?" she asked, sobbing into his chest.

He stood up suddenly, making her jolt with the weight change on her bed. "What-where are you going?"

"_We're_ going to turn you into happy-go-lucky princess for a day."


	11. Chapter 11

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OTH**

**Chapter Eleven-Pixie Stixs will take You On**

Haley giggled with joy as she watched the orange-tinted sugar spread out onto her hand. The epitome of everything good, the Pixie Stix. Nathan shook his head at her childness, but he couldn't help but smile when her face lit up. She had rarely smiled today, partly because she had spent half the day at the police station, filling out forms, answering questions, being interviewed.

"I love Pixie Stixs," she told him boldly, watching him eye her. "What? It's the dessert of the gods."

"Yeah, if the gods are five year olds." They both laughed as he sat down beside her, wrapping an arm around her. "So, if that is the dessert of the five-year-old gods, what's the food?"

"Mac n' cheese. Gosh, Nathan, you should know that," she answered, pouring a small amount of the sugary goodness into his large hand. "Thank you for coming with me, Nathan."

"You won't ever be alone to do things like this. I won't let you be alone, okay? You don't have to worry about that." She sat there and enjoyed the rest of the Pixie Stix, not worrying about life's complications or situations. She wouldn't let Antonio ruin the rest of her day with her boyfriend, who was currently watching her.

"What?" she asked, throwing her trash away, buttoning her peacoat up as the wind picked up. He just laughed, wrapping an arm around her waist as he led her down the street towards the bowling alley. She loved bowling alleys, they had one where you could get in for only a couple of bucks in Lancaster. She and Jase used to play all the time. And she was definitely the better player. "You ready to lose, boyfriend?"

"I highly doubt that, girlfriend," Nathan returned the challenge, paying for both of them, going to get her shoes for her. "Now, these are highly fashionable, Hales." She shook her head, grabbing her ball.

"And Haley gets a strike," she sang as the ball hit all the pins, and she turned to face

Nathan, who's face was crest-fallen. "Admitting defeat already?"

"Yeah right," Nathan said easily as he threw the ball, also getting a strike. "Let the games begin, Hales."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"Well, Haley, it seems that you've found everything you wanted in Tree Hill." The cold, harsh voice of Antonio Forenza made both Nathan and Haley freeze from their fun. She whipped around, her eyes darkened.

"Get out of here," she said, her voice sharp, harsh. "Don't make me call the cops. I'm sure they would love to play a game of catch the freakin' felon."

"I'm sure you would, Haley James. Have you told dear boyfriend about your life? About what a piece of trash you are? How you've grown up in the meth lab, the midst of gangland, being protected simply because your parents had the best drugs in town?"

"How about if I told your sorry a$$ that I don't give a shit?" Nathan snapped, keeping Haley close. "God, what is with you? It's not like, I don't know about her past. I know she comes from the wrong side of the tracks, but guess what? Doesn't matter. I could care less. She's beautiful, she's a hell of a lot smarter than me, and she's smart enough not to kill someone, which, obviously, you weren't."

"And Nathan has the upper hand in this battle, apparently," Haley commented, raising an eye to Antonio. "But, then again, everyone always had the upper hand on you, Antonio."

"B--ch. You'll be sorry for going against me, for angering me!" Antonio lunged at Haley, but she quickly side-stepped him, elbowing him in the back of the neck.

"Sorry, but I've learned my lesson. Stay away from me or you're gonna regret it," Haley threatened, standing up, looking around. "Can we go?" she asked, grabbing her jacket. She glanced back at Antonio, still hunched over, before stepping outside in the cold. "Is there one place in this freaking town where we can go to be alone?"

Nathan looked at her for a minute before grabbing her hand, leading her to his car.

"Somewhere no one else knows, right?" Haley nodded, eyeing him strangely.  
"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

Haley leaned back, play-glaring at him. They drove for ten minutes before the car stopped at a red light, Nathan's fingers playing on the steering wheel. Haley looked out the window, noticing a van barreling toward the stop. Nathan turned to see her concentrating on the outside. "What's wrong, Pixie Stix?"

"Pixie Stix?"

"Well, you were eating Pixie Stixs, Pixie Stix," Nathan smirked and raised an eyebrow as the light turned green. He pressed lightly on the brake, not noticing the van still careening toward them.

"NATHAN!" Haley screamed as the van crunched into her side of the car, sending it twisting around, the driver's side slamming into the front bumper. The car flipped, over and over, the top easily smashing in, the window being obliterated into thousands of pieces that scattered throughout the road. The car finally came to a halt as it smashed into a pole on the driver's side, the driver of the van making his way to the destroyed car.  
Antonio's laughter filled the air as he saw the small fire breaking out, the two unconscious teenagers in the front. This would be great. Haley James would finally be dead, and he would be safe to live his life free. Freedom rang sweetly in his ear.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley's panicked breath pervaded the silence of the car. She blinked a couple of times, reaching a tingling hand up to touch the cool place on her forehead, lifting the fingers to bring them to her face, her fuzzied eyesight. She couldn't see it, or smell it, so she put it to her tongue in the lightest of touches, tasting the bitter taste of blood. Her vision was clearing, slowly, so slow, and she finally made out the blood covering her two fingers.

"Oh, God," she whispered, slowly turning her neck, feeling it pop, blinking back tears of pain. "Nathan?" He didn't respond; that wasn't good. She yelped as flames licked her feet, and then she saw the outside of the car: flames leaping off the hood. "Okay, Haley, get a phone," she told herself, her hurt and numb fingers reaching for the seatbelt. It wouldn't budge. "Shit."

She painstakingly pushed her body under the upper belt, feeling various body parts pop and send waves of pain to her barely functioning brain. Her fingers reached for her purse, grabbing the strap and pulling it up, up to her lap. She again turned to look at Nathan, still knocked out beside her. Her fingers dripped blood onto her cellphone as she dialed 911.

"Tree Hill Dispatch; how may I help you?"

"Um…some-some---crash," Haley got out. "In-involved in a cr-crash. I-I-"

"Were you involved in the crash?"

"Yeah. Fi-fire…."

"Where? Where's the crash?"

"I…I don't know. I'm…my…my boy…boyfriend…"

"Calm down…someone else has given us the location, medics are only a couple minutes away. Are you okay?"

"No-no….blood everywhere…."

"What's your name? What's your boyfriend's name?"

"Ha-haley. Hi-his name is Na-Nathan."

"Haley, can you move your hands?"

Haley nodded, even though the dispatch woman couldn't see her. "Ye-Yes."

"Reach over to his neck and tell me if he has a pulse."

"I-I-I can't….what…what if he's de-dead?"

"Haley, you have to do this…I need to know."

"Ooo-okay." She put the phone in her lap, biting past the pain to reach over, place two blood-soaked fingers on Nathan's neck. She told herself to calm down, find the artery. Her fingers couldn't move, though. And then she felt it, the light push, thready….but coming through. She snatched her fingers away, to the phone again. "He…He's okay…..it…it's there…..s'weak…"

"Okay, that's okay; it's still there, which is good. Haley, I know you're worried, but, can you tell me how you feel?"

"No."

"Why, Haley…"

"I can't hear you!" Haley screamed as sirens banged against her ears. "Please…please make them stop."

"What's wrong, honey?"

"Sir…Sirens in my ear."

"Sirens? That means help is close, Haley."

"I-I know."

"It's okay, Haley. You're gonna be okay."

"No. I'm…I'm go…gonna die."

"No, you aren't…"

"The am-ambulance. It's here!"

"Good. Stay on the line with me until a medic takes the phone, okay?"

"Ye—yeah-yeah."

"Okay."

Haley's eyes fuzzied again as men came running. "Honey, can you hear me?" Haley's eyes flicked open, staring up at the man. "Okay, let's get the flames out, get her on a backboard, I want a neckbrace, make sure vital stats are okay! Get another one over here for the boy. I definitely want a neckbrace, back board, whole work up! Let's go!" Haley's mind muddled before once again clearing.

White walls. That's what she first noticed-the pristine white walls and the large window that provided her a view of Tree Hill. She heard the faint _beep-beep_ of the heart machine, saw the double IV in her arm. The tv was on low, to some news station. She felt something down her throat, gagging her.

"Haley?" She turned to look up at Karen, who smiled sweetly at her. The motherly woman ran her hand through Haley's soft hair. "Hey, baby girl. Don't choke on the respirator, it's okay. You've been asleep for awhile." She looked at Haley kindly, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "I'm gonna go get the doctor, Hales. Rest."

"Na-" she tried to get out, around the breathing tube as Lucas replaced Karen. "Lu-Na-"

"Nathan?" she blinked. "He's not doing too good, Hales. He had a lot of internal injuries when he came in, and then he had several ruptures and whatnot…he's in the ICU….in a medically induced coma."

She felt tears in her eyes. "But, Haley, there's a good chance, okay? He's gonna come out of this. He's got to."

"Ho-?"

"Two days. You were in surgery for eleven hours, but you pulled through. And so will he." Haley looked up at him with her sad brown eyes, but before he could say anything, the doctor walked in, a big smile plastered on her face.

"Hey, Haley. How are you?" Haley glared at her, as if _What the hell do you think?_ "Well, you can't come off the respirator just yet. Your lungs aren't strong enough yet. Probably tomorrow, though. You fractured a couple of bones in your hand and your wrist, lacerated your liver, ruptured your kidney…a lot of other injuries. But you should be okay with a lot of rest, a lot of recuperation."

"She wants to know how Nathan is," Karen suggested, smiling at her charge.

"Your boyfriend is okay. They're pulling him out of his coma tomorrow." Haley nodded her head slightly, resting back on the pillow. She closed her eyes, gulping a little as sleep settled over her.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Dan sat in his son's room, listening to the somewhat soothing sound of the heart monitor, keeping his hope up. He had seen Haley earlier, and she looked okay, in pain. The doctor had yet to tell her that she had shattered her knee. Dan felt so sorry for the girl, and even worse for his son.

He took Nathan's hand, smiling at his son. "You're gonna pull through, aren't you, Nate? Cause I need you here, buddy. It's….You know how your grandfather is always telling you how my life would be different without you? Well, I don't ever want to find out about that life, Nathan. You and Brooke, you mean the world to me. I love you, son…you've got to wake up. Not just for me, but for everyone out here…for your best friend who needs you, who's sitting outside, so worried that two of the closest people to him aren't gonna be there to say hello to ever again. For your girlfriend, who's worried sick in her own hospital bed. She wants you to live Nathan. For your sister, she's always needed you here to protect her, to lead her in the right direction. And your mom. Nathan, we all need you." Dan sighed, looking up at the clock. "But you rest now. You get better, buddy." He kissed his son's forehead, setting his hand down gently. "I'll be back soon. I'm gonna let Luke and your mom come and see you."

Lucas stopped at the doorway, looking at Dan. "How is he?" he asked, looking at Dan for the truth.

Dan shook his head. "The doctors say they won't know the full extent of his injuries until they pull him out of the coma today," Dan replied. "All we can do is hope for the best."

"Thanks, Mr. Scott."

"How's Haley?"

"The doctors moved her back into the ICU because she got an infection. They're giving her massive antibiotics, but so far-" Lucas trailed off. "I can't let her die. Nathan would be devastated, Mr. Scott. She can't die."

"She won't, Lucas. We have to have faith. Have they caught the person-?"

"Yeah, they caught the bastard."

"Good. Go spend some time with your best friend…he'd like that." Lucas nodded, going to sit by the hospital bed.

"Hey, Nathan. You know how weird this is? I half expect someone to come shouting at me "BOO!" or something. You don't deserve to be here, man. Neither does Haley." Lucas looked around the room, leaning in so that only Nathan could here. "She needs you, man. She's fading, fighting to hold on, losing the battle. As soon as you can, she needs you. She needs you to hold her, to tell her that everything's gonna be all right, that she-that _you_ are gonna be okay." He leaned back up. "Plus, we're gonna suck without you. Whitey's…we all miss you." Lucas breathed out sharply. "I miss you so much. I miss my best friend, Nate.

"You know, when Haley and you first started going out, I was scared that I was gonna lose you to that relationship. I was glad you were with her, but I didn't want to lose you. Now I know I won't, and I just want you back. We all just want you back." He breathed out, standing when Deb knocked on the door. "I gotta go, but we'll all be here, waiting to hear about you waking up. I'll see you as soon as I can."

He gave Deb a hug as she cried softly into his chest. "He's gonna be okay, right, Luke."

"Of course, Mrs. Scott. He's Nathan-he'll bounce back from this easily. Do you need anything? Some coffee?"

"Sure."

"Okay, I'll take Brooke with me and go get you some."

"You're a good boy, Luke. Thank you."

"He's my best friend, Mrs. Scott. I don't know what I'd do without him." Deb nodded from her place by Nathan's bed, smoothing his forehead and the hospital gown.

"I love you, my baby boy." She took his hand in both of hers, bringing it up to her lips, kissing it gently. "You don't look too much like my handsome boy right now, but you are. Right here, in your heart, you are. I remember when you were three, and I just found out that Dan had two beautiful kids. When I first met you, you crawled into my lap and fell asleep, and I fell in love with you, Nathan; you and Brooke are what made me marry your father. I watched you grow up to be a great young man, and I know I'm going to watch you become so much more." She didn't stop as the doctor came in. "When you were little, did you know you used to pick up a basketball and Dan would lift you on his shoulders to help you dunk the ball? Or that he'd toss Brooke in the air just so she could feel what it was like to fly? That man isn't the same without you. Please come back to me, baby Boy. I love you." She looked up to the doctor, who was injecting something into one of Nathan's multiple IV drips.

"That's gonna help bring him out of the coma, Mrs. Scott. It could be a couple of hours," the doctor whispered.

"I know…but I want to stay with my son."

"Of course. I'll have someone checking on him every fifteen minutes to thirty minutes, okay?"

"Thank you, Doctor Elliot."

"I hope he gets better soon, Mrs. Scott. We're all pulling for him."

Deb smiled, nodding her head. "So are we."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nine hours had passed since the first efforts to wake Nathan from his coma, but he still slept, content, it seemed. Every so often he'd curl his fingers or his eyelids would flutter, but he still stayed asleep, away from the world. Dan and Deb sat by Nathan's bedside, waiting, watching, hoping. "Mr. and Mrs. Scott, do you need anything?" a nurse asked them as she came in to check on Nathan. "Some coffee, a pillow, blanket?"

"Coffee, please," Dan answered, still staring at his son. "Why hasn't he woken up yet?"

"These things take time, Mr. Scott. It could be a couple more hours, days…."

"Days? I don't know if I can handle days," Dan said with a slight laugh.

Nathan's hand curled against, instantly being held by Deb. "That's it, baby. Come on, open your eyes for me, Nate." Instead, his fingers soon lost the tension and settled back on the bed beside his bed. Tears fell down her cheeks, and she stood, leaving the room. Dan soon followed, and the nurse after that, leaving Nathan alone.

"Deb?" Dan whispered, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"I can't keep doing this, Dan. I want my son back, not some shell that's lying in that hospital bed!"

"Deb-"

"Every time he makes a single move, I get my hopes up. It's killing me to see him like that…it's killing me! I can't keep doing it-"

"I know, I know," Dan whispered, hugging his wife tight. "Go home, Deb. Take Brooke, and both of you go home and get some real rest. Come back tomorrow; I'll call you if anything happens."

"I can't just leave-"

"He'll understand, Deb. Just go. Get some sleep. It'll make all this better."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'll call you as soon as something happens. See if anyone else needs to go home, okay?"

"Just let me say good-bye to him."

"Of course. Go, Deb."

Deb stepped back into her son's room, taking his hand, running her other through his hair. "I'm sorry, Nate," she whispered. "But I have to go-"

His hand tightened.

His eyes fluttered.

And then she saw those beautiful baby blues. "Nathan," she whispered, tears springing up again. "Baby, I've missed you."

HOPE YOU ENJOYED!


	12. Chapter 12

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own OTH

**Chapter Twelve: Fix You, Heal You, Love You, Hold You**

**Last time on Illusions **

_And then she saw those beautiful baby blues. "Nathan," she whispered, tears springing up again. "Baby, I've missed you."_

His eyes said it all. "I'm gonna go get your dad and a doctor. Squeeze my hand if you understand." The light squeeze made her heart flutter. "Good. I'll be right back."

Nathan's mind clouded with pain. He wasn't sure what had happen, but he new that whatever it was, he had gotten hurt. Had Haley? Was she okay? He couldn't breathe, his throat was constricting against something in it, and he couldn't get air out. Oh God!

"Nathan, Nathan, calm down. You have a tube in your throat to help you breathe, it's hooked up to a ventilator, okay? Don't panic, you could hurt yourself," a voice whispered. "I'm Doctor Elliot. You're in good hands here. Just relax, we're gonna get you some sedatives to take away the pain and help you sleep." Nathan's head barely nodded. "Good. The nurse will be in here in just a second."

Nathan blinked, grabbing his blanket as his fingers curled. The doctor noticed and straightened the fingers. "You've got to keep your hands straight for the IV, okay?" Nathan's eyes turned to the doctor. "Good."

"Nathan?" Dan greeted, replacing the doctor. "We've missed you."

Nathan gave a small smile, looking around, finally knowing what was missing. Haley. Dan understood immediately and sighed. "Do you remember what happened?" Nathan shook his head softly, no. "You got in a car accident. A van, driven by Antonio Forenza, ran into you, totalled your car. Haley was in the car with you." Nathan's eyes widened in fear. "She's okay, she's okay, don't worry, but she was hurt pretty badly as well."

Nathan turned his head, closing his eyes, watching the wall. He heard the door open, knowing it was the nurse with his meds. He felt her lift the IV, pushing in the medicine. "There you go, Nathan. You should sleep well tonight." Nathan immediately felt the effects of the sedative, numbing his mind, lulling him to sleep.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Her head was throbbing. Her throat was dry. She didn't know what to think. Her mind was sluggish when she tried to think, so she just didn't. "Haley, wake up. I have good news for you," a voice whispered. In an instant, her big eyes opened to stare at Karen. "Nathan's awake. He's talking." She placed a straw at Haley's lips. "Drink. It's water."

"Karen," Haley breathed out after she had taken a sip or two. "How is he?"

"Um, he's in a lot of pain once the pain meds wear off, but he's gonna be okay. Just like you, sweetheart. You're doing great." Karen pushed a piece of Haley's hair behind her ear. "I know you don't feel well, but can you sit up for me?" Haley nodded her head a little, watching her fingers tremble as Karen helped her sit up, putting some pillows behind her back. "There you go." Karen sat in the chair beside the bed.

"Where-where am I?" she whispered.

"Tree Hill Memorial Hospital. You've been here for a couple of days. You get to go home at the end of this week as long as everything checks out with the doctor," Karen told her ward.

"Can I see Nathan?"

"Not right now. He's pretty out of it with the sedatives they gave him, so…"

"I understand. I'm sleepy."

"I know. That would be your sedatives kicking in. Sleeping is always good, Haley. It's the best cure."

"Karen?" Haley whispered as she started drifting off.

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nathan looked down at his fingers, watching them curl and flex, curl and relax, curl and flex, curl and relax. He had already counted the ceiling tiles in the roof, the lights in the building across the way, the number of stitches on his arm. His father and mother had left, but not on their choice; Dan couldn't miss anymore work, and Deb went to go get him some stuff.

"Nathan, how long have you been awake?" the nurse asked him, smiling as she came into his room.

"Um, long enough to know that there are 82 tiles in the ceiling, 564 lights on this side of the building next door, and 21 stitches in my arm," Nathan returned, sighing. "Please tell me you have drugs."

The nurse, Miranda, laughed, holding up the syringe. "Of course I do. Your happy medicine."

"Thank God."

The nurse smiled, injecting the medicine into his IV. He was extremely woozy as she left, checking his vitals one last time, pulling his blankets up.

Two hours later, Lucas searched around the hall outside the door before coming in, two coffees in his hands. "Nathan?" he whispered, turning on the light.

"Luke, I'm gonna kill you for waking me up," Nathan breathed out, opening his eyes. "What do you want? I'm on happy medicine."

Lucas laughed, setting Nathan's coffee on the table beside the bed. "How are you feeling, man?"

"Bitchin'," Nathan returned with a laugh. "How's Haley?"

"Um, she's okay. She'll get better, physically, but I'm worried about if she'll ever be the happy Haley we know."

"Pixie Stixs is gonna be fine, Luke," Nathan assured his best friend, not realizing Lucas didn't know who Pixie Stixs was. "She gotta be, or I'm not gonna be."

"Nathan, you're talking nonsense."

"No, I'm not."

"Drink your coffee, Nate," Lucas admonished, noticing the flowers on the ledge of the window. "Who are those from?"

"I dunno," Nathan whispered, "look and see."

"Um….okay," Lucas said, going over to the flowers. "And the lucky winner is…Victoria?"

"What?" Nathan breathed out, sitting up.

"Whoa, whoa, Nate, lay back down. You aren't strong enough."

"Dammit, Luke, that's my mother," Nathan revealed, his head falling back on the pillow. "What the hell is she doing? She can't mess up my life now."

"She won't, Nathan. We'll all make sure of that; your father won't let anyone hurt you," Lucas told his best friend. Nathan sat up again, biting his bottom lip as he pulled the IVs out of his arm. "Get back in bed-" he gasped as Lucas smashed the bed pan against his forehead, watching him drop.

"I'm sorry, Lucas, but I have to deal with this."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nathan stumbled through the street, his breathing erradic, his whole body shaking. He watched the blood soak through his thin bandages, wondering how long his faint energy would last at this rate. They'd find him dead in the street in the morning. He had an idea of where he was going, but he didn't have a clue to what he was going to say to the woman that had abandoned him seventeen years ago.

He opened the door to the bar, looking around, the smoke killing his eyes. He saw her in the back corner, sipping a beer. He struggled to slide into the booth across from her, his face contorting in pain. "How….How dare you," he stumbled over the words, concentrating on each of them.

"Nathan?" the woman whispered, surprised to see her son. "You should be in the hospital-"

"You-you have no right to ruin my life now!" Nathan struggled to get out. "My life…my life's together now."

"I-"

"I hate you. Do you know that? I hate you with a passion. You LEFT me and Brooke and now you expect me to let you back into my life? You are seriously mistaken," Nathan whispered. "Get out of my town, of my life. Do the thing you're good at: running away."

"Nathan, don't say that to me. I've made a lot of mistakes-"

"And you're gonna continue to make them. But not here. I won't let you hurt Brooke…if you do I swear to God I will kill you."

"Get out of here, Nathan. You have no right to be here."

"I'm-I'm pro-protecting my life. My sister."

"You're hurt. You need to get back to the hospital before you get yourself killed. Come on, I'll drive you-" Nathan pushed himself up, too fast, nearly pitching forward, but away from _that_ woman. He grimaced, taking a deep breath, concentrating on the door. Step after step he struggled, but he made it to the door. That's all he needed-out the door, back to the hospital.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Dan rubbed his temples, downing his black coffee. "Any luck?" he asked the officers, who shook their heads.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Scott. We'll continue to search, and we've put all hospitals on alert if anyone matching his descritption comes in," the officer assured him. "We'll find him, sir."

"I know. I'm just really worried," Dan replied.

"Understandable, sir."

Dan nodded, sitting beside Lucas. "How are you, son?"

"I'm kicking Nathan's ass when he gets better," Lucas returned, rubbing his temples. "I've got a killer headache, but I'm okay. I just hope Nathan's okay."

"Me too, Lucas, me too."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nathan gasped as pain shot up his body, and he leaned against the brick wall as the rain poured down, his head pounding. He took a slow breath, feeling it rip at his lungs. He felt tears run through his closed eyes, but they mixed with the rain. He was on fire yet chilled all at the same time, and his cough kept getting worse and worse until after each spell, blood was on his hands.

His body started to spasm as his legs gave out at his next step, and he fell, his hands breaking his fall. He felt them lacerate as the full force of his body landed on them, and finally his arms failed, leaving his head to crack onto the concrete, knocking him out instantly.

He groaned as he felt his body being turned, opening his eyes. He had an oxygen mask over his mouth, a neck brace around his next. He was on a rigid back board, the medics working over him to get rid of his shivers. "Nathan, you're okay. It's okay, buddy."

"Tell-tell my-my dad I-I'm sorry," Nathan whispered as his eyes rolled back in his head.

"No, Nathan, stay awake-Nathan!" the medic yelled, looking at his partner. "He lost his heartbeat. Call the ER, tell them to have warm saline ready as well!" He started CPR on Nathan, praying and hoping that somewhere in the rain there was a miracle.

It took exactly 15 minutes to get to the ER, and in that fifteen minutes, Nathan was living again. His heart beat was thready and irregular, but he was alive. Dan ran down from Haley's room, where he had been talking with Karen and Keith and Deb. "Oh God, how is he?" Dan asked the doctor who was sent out to calm him down.

The doctor shrugged. "Um…it could be worse…a lot worse. Right now, they are still trying to regulate heart beat and control some internal bleeding. His lung collasped again, and it filled with blood, which isn't good. He's broken his wrist and um, they're gonna have to remove his spleen. I can't tell you more right now, but as soon as they finish his surgery up, I'll be able to tell you," the doctor said, going back inside the ER.  
Dan hugged Deb tight, kissing her forehead. "He's gonna be okay, Dan," she whispered, smiling widely. Her baby boy was going to be all right.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley turned in her bed, grimacing as the nurse gently removed the bandages that covered her mess of a knee. She flinched as _it_ was touched, the stitches checked, and she jerked when the nurse lightly pressed on her kneecap. "Please," Haley whispered. "Please don't do that again."

"I just had to check, Haley. Let me go get you a sedative, so that I can bathe you knee and that the doctor can check everything." Haley nodded her head, smiling wide when Lucas came in the room.

"Hey, buddy," he greeted her, kissing her forehead. "How are you holding up?"

"Life's a bitch," she answered with a small laugh. "You?"

"I'm killing that boyfriend of yours when he gets better," Lucas replied. She eyesd him questioningly, and he turned, letting her see the cut on the back of his neck. "He hit me with the bed pan before he escaped the hospital."

"Is he okay?"

"What about if I'm okay?" Lucas asked dramatically.

"You're walking and talking and the last thing I heard, my boyfriend was in a coma. Who do you think I'm thinking about?"

"I think it's just cause you love him more."

"Never, Luke. I love you both the same," she returned.

"Oh, you're good!"

She smiled, the smile soon falling. He sat in the chair beside her bed, taking her hand in his, keeping his eyes on her. "What's wrong, Haley-bob?"

"How could this happen, Luke? How could my boyfriend be so hurt when he didn't do anything-_anything_ and yet the guy who did this sitting in a jail cell?" Haley whispered, tears running down her face. "How is that bastard allowed to live?"

"I dunno, Hales. I don't know. I wish I had some sort of answers for you, but I don't. You just have to be strong, Haley. For yourself, for Nathan. You are a strong girl, and you aren't gonna let this make you fall. Be strong, okay?" Haley nodded, looking up as the nurse came back in with the sedative. Haley watched as she injected it into the IV, her mind doing the happy dance knowing that she was about to have the ride of her life with this medicine.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

**January 6th,  
_There is a place  
Where I can go,  
When I feel low  
When I feel blue.  
And it's my mind,  
And there's no time when I'm alone.  
I think of you,  
And things you do,  
Go 'round my head,  
The things you said,  
Like "I love only you._  
There's a Place_The Beatles_ **

Why is it when you have nothing to say, that the Beatles can say it perfectly? I hate them and their ingenious minds…damn them for breaking up and dying. Okay, that might be the medicine talking. I think I woke up a little too early from the medicine.  
My knee hurts. A lot. The doctor-Elliot, or something, I think-said that I'd have to have yet another surgery to finish fixing it. I hate my life. Seriously. I freaking hate it. I'm hurt, the person who killed my friend is in some jail, and my boyfriend is hurt beyond reason. Why is life so unfair? Better yet, why is my karma screwed? Someone, please tell me. Raise your hand if you know.

Life Gets thrown around so easily,  
Carelessly unloved,  
Never knowing what could happen  
Around the next turn.  
Please don't find your future,  
Before you've lived in the now,  
Hold on the life that society doesn't know,  
Before it crumbles.  
Before it falls.  
Before it's influenced.

Sorry, I was getting a little angsty. It's approaching the 3rd month mark to Jase's death. I want so bad to call, to see if there have been any more leads, but each time I do, I can't even pick up the phone. I miss him so much, you know, that I don't want to truly know that he's gone.

**Looking that life in the eye, and trying to close the door on it is so hard. I don't want to open that can of worms again, and I don't want to close it either. Because if I do, then I close my eyes to my best friend.  
**

**And I don't want to do that.  
**

**I couldn't _handle_ that. **

You know, I look out of this window, and I can see out over all of Tree Hill. I feel so high and mighty, yet so weak. Talk about your oxymoron, or your contradiction. A beautiful segue into Nathan; he's another contradicition to me. I feel so powerless when I'm with him; he could get me to do anything by just a glance, and yet I feel like I have the whole world, that he's the powerless one.

**Everything with him is magical; it isn't reality. And then this car came barreling into my life and split my reality up. And now it's like his heartbeats are mine; I wonder if he's okay, or if he is as confused as I am.  
**

**I don't understand why this had to happen to us. The doctors say it's gonna be at least six weeks-probably eight- before I can walk again. I hear that and I shudder. How can they say that without breaking down? I couldn't handle it.  
**

**I want my world back. I want my tuppies and my dreams of Jase and the perfection that I lived in with Nathan. I want back my normalcy, the equilibrium that I've just figured out in the past couple of weeks. I want my world of happy colors, not this of black and whites and grays; what good are they? They are bleak and desolute, whereas bright blues and greens bring happiness, joy. Paint my canvas with those, artist-  
**

**Again, I think the medicine is getting to me again. Wow. It's great if it is; I don't like being in this impersonable situation where I analyze things from all angles without meaning to. GOD I HATE IT! I HATE THIS LIFE! I DON"T WANT TO LIVE IN BLACK AND WHITE!  
**

**My hands are trembling. I wonder if somewhere, Nathan's are too, if Jase's did when he was shot. Maybe we are connected. Maybe, just maybe, Jase is smiling down at me as he helps Nathan wherever he might be, whether he's hurting or okay, whether he's breaking down or highly optimistic. Maybe Jase is helping him.  
**

**I hope so.  
**

**Jase would love Nathan.  
**

**Just like I do.  
**

**It's true.  
**

**I  
**

**Love  
**

**Nathan  
**

**Scott.  
**

**What if I never get the chance to tell him? **

_Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned._William Congreve

William hath be a smart man; you're about to learn his lesson full-speed ahead, Antonio. You're going to learn that you don't mess with me. Ever.

A long, drawn-out noise filled room 212, and shouts from the nurses' station could be heard as they all went running for the room, one stopping to call a doctor before once again being en route to room 212. She glanced up at the nameplate, wondering how soon they'd have to change it. Hopefully not. Nathan Scott sounded like a nice boy.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

**Is Nathan going to be okay? WIll he and Haley reunite? Next Chapter: Wearing a Halo WIth Black Wings. Please reply**


	13. Chapter 13

-1**Chapter Thirteen: Wearing a Halo with black Wings**

Previously on Illusions:

A long, drawn-out noise filled room 212, and shouts from the nurses' station could be heard as they all went running for the room, one stopping to call a doctor before once again being en route to room 212. She glanced up at the nameplate, wondering how soon they'd have to change it. Hopefully not. Nathan Scott sounded like a nice boy.

_**Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.**_

Mel Brooks said that. He was that comedian, from Monty Python or whatnot. Or, at least according to Lucas. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that movies like Monty Python aren't my favorite. I prefer stuff like Coach Carter or Love & Basketball; basketball makes the whole world better.  


_I'm looking around, and I don't really recognize this place. It's dark and cool and, worst of all, it's lonely. I'm alone. Is this my subconscious? What is it?  
_

_I tried to yell, but it's not working. It's like my voice is caught and I'm lost. I'm a little boy again standing in front of the courthouse gripping Dad's hand tightly once again. I remember that. That was when we had gone to see about Deb adopting us. I don't remember a lot; I was five, remember? Yeah…  
_

_And then I get a glimpse of her: Haley. She's wearing a halo with black wings. What does that mean? I always pictured Haley as the head angel, the white robe, the white light shining through from behind her…this wasn't Haley, or, at least, my Haley. She wouldn't be taunting that five year old, like this Haley was. She was taunting me, taunting me…  
_

_Where am I? Because I want out. I don't like this world, this Haley; I want my Haley back. _

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Dan's eyes jerked open as Nathan twisted in his bed, obviously in a bad dream. "Nathan," he whispered, taking his son's hand. "It's okay buddy, I'm here. Open your eyes, Nate." He couldn't bear to watch his son's pain. "Nathan, c'mon buddy, come back to us."

Nathan's eyes widened, and he looked around the room. He tried to cough, but he was choking on the intubation tube. He turned back to look at his father. "Calm down, Nathan. You're fine, I'm here, buddy, just for you. I know you're hurt, but just know that you're safe, and you're gonna be okay, and that you have everyone here rooting for you. Including one pissed off best friend." Nathan's eyes widened in fear; he hadn't lost his best friend, had he? "Nate, he's not gonna kick you're ass until _after_ you get better. And Haley? She's doing much better, okay? She'll probably be able to come see you soon. Aren't you gonna like that, Nathan?" He nodded slightly, blinking. "Okay, I'm gonna go get your doctor, and he'll take the tube out of your mouth."

The doctor smiled as he entered the room, looking at Nathan's chart. "Let's try to keep you from escaping on us this time, huh?" Nathan smiled a little. "Okay, I'm gonna give you a light sedative and then I'll take out your breathing tube, which I know you'll like." Nathan nodded. "It'll be about twenty minutes."

Nathan sputtered and coughed as the doctor pulled out the tube in his throat, the nurse instantly putting the air tube underneath his nose, letting it wrap around his ears. Dan put the straw to a cup of water on his lips, and he gently sucked on the straw, relief flooding into his throat as the water hit it.

He only drank a few sips, then the action became to tough for him to do. He laid back on the bed, closing his eyes. His hands gripped at the blankets to try and get them to stop shaking. "Nathan? Why don't you try get some more sleep," the nurse suggested, gently straightening out his fingers before pulling the blankets up.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley smiled as she opened the door to Nathan's room, letting Brooke wheel her in. "Thank you," she whispered to her friend, looking at Nathan's bed. She heard the door close softly behind her, and she wheeled herself to the bed, using the rails of it to help her balance on one foot and stand, resting the toes of her bad foot on the cool ground. "Hey, baby," she whispered, smiling at him.

"Haley," he breathed out, looking up at her, his blue eyes entrapping her brown ones.

"How-How are you?" His eyes saw the black of the brace that went from her mid-thigh to mid-shin.

"I've had better days," she returned, her almond shaped eyes glistening. "You gave me a scare, Nathan Scott."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's good to know my heart's still beating."

"I missed you, Pixie Stix," he whispered, bringing her hand up to his lips to kiss it. She leaned over, placing the softest of kisses on his lips. "God, I missed my baby."

"You can't keep doing that to my heart, Nathan; it's not that strong, and it needs someone there to not worry about," she whispered, tears falling onto his hospital gown. "I'm sorry."

"No, no Haley, you're right. And I'm gonna be that guy from now on. There's so much I want to do with you, and so much I can't imagine doing without you." She hugged him tight, fiercely; she had missed him so much.

"Good. I love you, Nathan, and I was so afraid that I wasn't gonna get to tell you," she whispered, kissing his ear. He was staring at her as she pulled away, his eyes wide with shock. "Umm…" she bit her bottom lip. "Say something."

"Haley…"

"Oh, God; that's kind of embarrassing. I'm sorry. I thought you would…Oh God, I just kinda embarrassed myself, didn't I?"

"No, no no no no, Haley. Not at all. I love you too, baby girl. I love you with all my heart."

**1 MONTH LATER**

"Man, do you know how good it feels to get back on this court?" Nathan wondered aloud to his best friend. It was the night of the first playoff games on the road to the state championships, and Nathan was finally ready to take to the court again, his wrist fully healed, the scars slowly fading out.

"I know, Nate. Now let's play. I'll go easy on you." Lucas grinned, passing the ball to his friend. Nathan smirked, doing a jumpshot and sinking the ball. "Or maybe I won't."

"I'd go with that answer, Bedpan boy."

"Don't forget it was you who hit me with the bed pan, Nathan."

"I know….and it's hilarious now."

"You know, I really hate you?"

"Aww, Luke, I love you too." Nathan smirked at his best friend, grabbing the ball and dunking it. "My little present from me to you: I'm up by three."

"You are totally gonna get it, man. I was nice when you were sick, but now, I'm not going to be." Nathan smiled, passing him the ball.

"So, um, how's Haley?" Nathan asked uncomfortably; he hadn't seen her in over a week, since she went to that rehabilitation center over three hours away in Washington. It was one of the best places, but Nathan missed her so much. She wouldn't be home for another two weeks, and though they talked on the phone every day, it wasn't enough. Karen was there for the weekend, and he was going with them to pick her up, hopefully walking.

"She's good, man. She misses you a lot, and she says not to worry about her because she's getting better. And that she loves you," Lucas replied. "What's up with that, man?"

"I love her, Lucas. Like….my heart pounds everytime I see her, and my mind races everytime I smell something that faintly like hers. I've never felt this way about anyone, Lucas…never."

"I believe you. Just treat her right, Nate; her heart is a fragile thing, and if you break it, I don't care how good of friends we are, I will kick your ass."

Nathan stopped as Dan came out of the house, clutching the phone. "Dad, what's the matter?" He vaguely saw an angel with black wings beside his father. _Am I just plain crazy?_ he asked himself, looking at his father for the answer.

"Y-y-your mother…and sister…..Nate, they're dead."


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen: His Personal Happiness, His Personal Hell**

Nathan sat beside the graves of his mother and sister long past midnight, still straining to hold back the tears. His fingers trembled, his heart pounding so loudly. How could this-how could this happen? It was his fault. He couldn't shake the feeling that it was his fault. They were trying to get back in time to see _his_ first game. They had gone to a store on a bad street to try and find Brooke's dress material…and someone had come through the store in New York…with a gun.

"I thought you'd be here."

Nathan turned to see Haley standing behind him, unsteady on her feet, her weight steady on a crutch. "Get away from me, Haley."

"Nathan, I know-"

He glared up at her, standing up. "Leave me alone."

"Why? So you can be depressed by yourself? I know how close you were to Deb and Brooke, and I know how hurt you are-"

"No, you don't. You have no freaking idea how hurt I am right now-how close I am to snapping. So get away from me before I do."

"I'm your girlfriend-"

"Not anymore. I can't deal with you right now, Haley. I love you, and I always will, but I can't do this anymore. I can't be happy with you."

Her eyes teared up as her face fell; her hands clenched the fabric of her black dress. "I love you, Nathan-"

"I don't give a damn anymore. You're nothing to me."

"And you're a heartless ass. Go ahead, wallow in your misery alone. But I'm not gonna give up on you-on us."

"Well I am. Because you aren't worth it." She glared at him, coming closer.

"Guess what? Now Deb really knows what a disappointment you are," she bit out, slapping him hard across the face before turning on her heel to leave, hands covering her eyes as she ran.

Nathan stood there, letting her words sink in. He shrugged them off; somehow they didn't really hit him. He slowly trudged his way through the empty streets of Tree Hill, wondering what he could do to make the numbness fall away. He saw his house was dark, and it didn't surprise him; since their deaths almost a week ago, Dan hadn't broken down. It was like his father didn't care.

He opened the front door, and ignored his father's stern look. "Where have you been, Nathan?" Dan asked sternly.

"None of your damned business," Nathan snapped, glaring at his father, his blue eyes darkened to a midnight blue.

"Nathan, talk to me. Tell me what I can do to help you."

"Nothing. I can deal with this on my own!" he yelled, storming up the steps, slamming the door to his room, locking it.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Lucas watched as his former best friend sat sullenly in the corner of the cafeteria by himself. He had apparently scared off all the little minions today; his mood must be foul. Beside him, Lucas heard Haley gasp at Nathan's radically different appearance; he had long stop talking to her, mostly ignoring her now, for lack of a better word. "Have you tried to talk to him?" she whispered to Lucas as cool blue eyes glanced over her.

"I've talked, he's punched," Lucas told her, reminding her of the incident when Nathan had quit basketball. In the month since Deb and Brooke's death, Nathan had turned from the sweet boy next door to an absolute train wreck. He had started dabbling into drugs and alcohol, his grades were slipping, his relationships being destroyed. He yelled at Dan like he was his worst enemy; he didn't talk to any of his former friends.

The bell rang to let out of school, and Lucas followed Nathan out the door. "When do you plan on talking to me man?" he called out, making Nathan turn to look at him. "When do you plan on letting someone in?"

"Stay the hell away from me," Nathan snapped bitterly, turning back around.

"I told you once if you ever broke her heart, I'd kick your ass," Lucas murmured, following Nathan. "So I am." He tackled Nathan, punching him. Nathan pushed him off, throwing a punch but not landing it. "You SOB! How could you! After everything we've been through, everything we were! You just want to throw that away? Well, you aren't worth it anymore! YOU AREN"T WORTH IT!"

Tim and Jake dragged Lucas off, watching as Nathan pulled himself up. "Good, because I'm not your friend. I don't ever want to be again," Nathan snarled, glaring at Haley. "Tell her that she was a good lay, nothing more, nothing less."

"You ass!" Lucas shouted, trying to punch him, put Tim and Jake holding him back. "And that's why you were pining after her? Yeah right."

Nathan shrugged off the comment, turning away from the group he once belonged to. He walked in the chilly darkness down the street, looking at the gate to the cemetery. He opened it, walking past it, recognizing their graves before he got there. He sat beside his sister's grave, staring at the small picture placed in the gold frame in the middle of the white marble headstone. It was of Brooke on her bed, flashing a brilliant smile. He held back tears, tracing her name in the headstone. "Hey Brooke. It's been..um…a month since you died, and I miss you as much as I did the first time I heard. It's killing me, Brooke, knowing that I don't have my twin…my beautiful twin, with me. God, I would gladly give my life to have you and mom back."

He needed a fix. A quick one, too. He knew that Tedds would have some, and Tedds would be at the party tonight. With what little money is father had given him, he could buy some speed, maybe heroin if he could pressure Tedds into it. He glanced again at the grave, taking a deep breath.

The house party was already well into it's fifth or sixth hour when Nathan walked in, in search of Tedds. His eyes lingered toward the couples pressed against the wall making out, and he wondered what Haley was doing tonight. He thought about her a lot, now, wondering if she had let him go, if she had found someone new. He glared at the girl who came onto him, pushing her away. "Where's Tedds?" The girl, obviously high, pointed toward the kitchen. Nathan saw the short blond pouring himself a drink. "Tedds!"

The blond turned, grinning at Nathan. "Nate my man! What can I get you tonight?"

"Speed," Nathan mumbled, throwing the wad of money on the counter, waiting for the small packet of white substance. He knew he'd have to go home to shoot up; hopefully his father wouldn't be there. He would like to avoid confrontation if at all possible tonight. He smirked at the packet, depositing in his pocket.

"Aren't you gonna stay and have a beer or two?"

"Got better things to do, man."

"Like what? Going to the friends you don't have? Have a beer."

Nathan pushed the teen into the frig, snarling at him. "Don't you dare talk about them! You have no idea!" He shoved the teen back, stalking out of the kitchen, about to enter the realm of drug land, his personal happiness, his personal hell.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley sat on the deck in the back of the house, wiping tears off her face as she looked down at her journal. She bent to pick up the picture that fell out of the pages. It was of Nathan with Lucas at the mall, talking.

**March 12th,  
_Guess it's just another dream  
That's slipping away  
Each time that I fall asleep  
It seems I'm just drifting away  
Just as you have touched my heart  
Babe I wake up and we're apart, yeah  
And it's slipping away_  
Slipping Away_-The Rolling Stones_**

**How many tears do I have to cry to get him to realize my heart is bleeding, tearing apart because of him? Does he know how much I hurt because he won't even look at me, let alone talk to me? I see him walking down the hall in school, and he looks so alone, as if the whole world has disappointed him. And even though he said all those evil things to me, even though he hurt me so badly, my heart breaks for him. Every day.  
**

**Lucas is having a hard time with this as well. I think I even heard him crying. He lost his best friend, and the girl of his dreams all at once.  
**

**I know that he's been doing drugs; I recognized the signs almost immediately. How could he be so stupid? How? After everything I've told him, after he knew the dangers of them…  
**

**I still love him. I'm so transparent in that; everyone can tell. They say I need to move on, that he apparently has, but I won't. I won't give up on him, because I know somewhere in his heart, he would do the same for me. Lucas believes that, too; he won't give up on Nathan, either.  
**

**I talked to Dan a couple nights ago. He's still really bad because of what happened to Deb and Brooke, but hell, we all are. He's even more shaken up by the fact that Nathan is acting out like this. Even though he's the adult, he still needs Nathan to lean on, just as much as Nathan needs him.  
**

**And I end up talking about Nathan again. That boy has been my soul since Jase…I think the world's gone awry when he won't even talk to me. I'm thinking about asking Karen if I can go back to Lancaster over spring break….i need a break from this life, and I need serious advice from Jase, even if I'm just talking to his dead body in a grave. He soothes me. Plus, it'll do me good to see people from my old life; it'll help me.  
**

**Or so I hope.  
**

**I can imagine going back to the many jeers of my classmates; at least they can't make fun of my knee. It's okay now; I've even started gymnastics again, though it's not as intense or difficult-mostly for fun. I love gym, but it's not my life, so I can deal with the cutbacks.  
**

**Where was I? Oooh, jeering classmates. Well, that about sums it up. Remember, I was the geek that was gonna get out, and because other people recognized that, they rebelled against the fact that they probably weren't. The constant name calling often had Jase finding me in the girl's bathroom on the 2nd floor, in the abandoned stall, tears streaming out of my eyes. I hated those days. They were so draining, and then I had to come home to my parents. What fun that was.  
**

**Let's face it. I'm a teenage freak.  
**

**Oh, shit, I'm being beckoned….gotta go…**

**_"This is no time for ease and comfort. It is the time to dare and endure. "_ Winston Churchill **

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nathan stumbled into his house as he hummed the tune to the Chili's jingle, the speed working wonders for him. He couldn't remember the name of his mother, the face of his sister-hell, he couldn't remember if they were dead or not, or why he remembered bits about them.

His legs fumbled over the steps down into his den, and suddenly light flooded the room. "Nathan, I thought you were in bed," his father commented critically, eyeing his son. "Where were you?"

"None of your damn business," Nathan said darkly, plopping down on the couch.

"You've been taking drugs again, Nathan. Which are they this time?"

"Speed," Nathan answered with ease, not caring anymore. He was too tired, too angry to care.

"Why are you taking speed?" Dan asked, sitting by Nathan.

"Because everything hurts."

"Your mom?"

"And Brooke. It's my fault that they're dead; I just want that pain to go away."

"Nathan, it wasn't your fault. This wasn't your fault," Dan said, looking at his son. "This wasn't your fault."

"But it was. It hurts so much dad…all the time. Mom, Brooke, Haley…"

"Nathan, Haley would take you back. All you need to do is apologize…all you need to do is show her you care."

"BUT I DON"T CARE ANYMORE! I DON"T!" Nathan yelled, pushing away from his father.

"No, Nathan! You are too strong to be sunk so low in hell-"

"Strong? I can't remember the last time it didn't hurt. I'm not strong. I just want it all to go away! I want them back Dad. Please bring them back-" Nathan's tears ran down his face as he looked up at his father. "Please Dad…I…I…I'll do anything I just want them back."

Dan hugged his son tight, fearful of what could happen if he let him go. "It's okay, Nate…it's okay, buddy. We'll get through this…we'll make it through this. We'll lessen that pain, okay? We'll do this together…we'll make you better."


	15. Chapter 15

-1**Chapter Fifteen: A little piece of the old me**

Haley sighed as she looked at the picture of Nathan. She just wanted him…

She jumped as there was a knock on the door, Keith coming in the ring. "Hey, Keith," she whispered, putting the picture back in her diary.

"Hey, Hales. Can I talk to you?" Haley nodded, her eyes concerned at his tone of voice. He sat on her bed, taking a deep breath. "As you know, Nathan's been….well, not himself since his mom died. Um, Dan told me that they've decided to send Nathan to a drug rehab center in Virginia; it also has a great grief counseling center."

"Nathan….oh God…I didn't know he was taking-"

"He's in detox right now…they went last night…"

"Can we visit him? I mean, we should be able to visit him, right? Shouldn't that help?"

"Um, it's a thirty day rehab program with no visitors, and his doctor will decide when he can have friends and family visit. Probably six to eight weeks, Dan said."

"Two months? But…"

"He's allowed phone calls, Haley…I don't know if he'll call you, but he is allowed them."

"This program is gonna help him, right?"

"Yeah. It'll help him. Dan asked Lucas to send Nathan some pictures to help him get through this and remind him why he's doing it, and I think…uh…maybe you could do the same for him?"

"Of course…I'd love to," Haley whispered. "Can I write him a letter?"

"Sure, sweetheart. I'm gonna give them to Dan tomorrow, so…" Haley nodded. Keith kissed her forehead, hugging her tight. "He'll be okay, Hales. He just got off the tracks for a little bit…he just needs some time to get back on."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nathan stared at the wall across from his small bed, at the small window that showed him the courtyard. Detox had been hell; his father had just left him there, all alone. He hated this place; he hated how cold it was, how it wasn't his home. That's where he wanted…home. 

He heard the light knock on the door he now had to keep open, but didn't bother to look up. "Nathan?" the counselor said, giving him a smile as she led in two other counselors with some boxes. "Congratulations, you made it through detox. The hardest part is coming, but you made it through a major hurdle. And your father left you some stuff…we'll leave it here; remember, dinner's in an hour, I'll come get you." Nathan nodded, looking at the three tubs, and the package on top. He watched the people leave, the woman knowingly shutting the door for him. Nathan first opened a tub, finding some of his clothes, his favorite shirt, his basketball that he could hook somewhere and shoot some. There were his school books and a list of assignments from all his teachers. He cracked his first smile when he saw that.

The second bin contained blankets, his pillows…stuff to make his room homier. And then came the package. He ripped it open, carefully dumping the contents onto the bed…he felt his heart stop when he saw them. Pictures…pieces of paper fluttering out. And then he caught it…the faint scent of Haley's perfume. _Haley_.

He slowly picked up a picture, one of him and Lucas when they were six or seven, pointing water guns at each other. He turned the picture over. _You've been my best friend since I was a baby, Nathan, and I'm not giving up on you now. Stay strong, and call me soon. I'm worried._ Nathan quickly put the picture down, retrieving another one: this one was of Haley and him kissing on the ferris wheel. And he saw her familiar girly handwriting. _I. Love. You._ That was it. "I love you, too," he whispered, putting the picture back down. His hands shakily picked up the letter.

_Dear Nathan,_

So…I don't know what to say. Besides I love you, which I wrote on the back of every single one of those pictures. It's sad…really really sad. But I need you to know that I do.

I don't know what happened to you…to us. I just know that I want you to get better. I want you to know that I support you with all my heart and that I hope when you can have visitors you'll let me come. I'm lonely without you, Nathan. I can't sleep at night, and I keep having bad dreams about us. About how we…ended.

I miss you, Nathan. I miss your kisses and your hugs, your understanding and your advice. But most of all, I miss the guy that walked me home in the freezing rain just to make sure I got there; I miss the guy who took care of me when that guy tried to rape me.

I love you, and I know you'll get through this okay.  


_Haley_

Nathan stared at the letter, biting his bottom lip.

"Hey? You ready for dinner?" Nathan looked up at the woman, dropping Haley's letter. "Apparently not. I see you got some friendly reminders of home. I'll see if I can get you some tape for those pictures. It's always good to know that there are people at home supporting you, isn't it?" Nathan nodded, looking at the letter again. "Don't worry, Nathan. They'll still be there after dinner. And no, you aren't allowed to skip." Nathan smiled, standing up.

Therapy scared him; the fact that he'd have to talk about _why_ he took the drugs frightened him. Talking about his life frightened him just because he wasn't one person to open up. He took a deep breath, now hating the fact that he had a therapy session after dinner. But…maybe this would be good for him. In fact, he was sure that this would be good for him.

He knocked on the door to the therapist's office, surprised to hear the man yell "Come in!" He opened the door, looking at the man behind the door. "You Nathan Scott?"  
Nathan nodded, sitting where the man pointed. "Hey, Nathan. I'm Doctor Norton, but I hate that, so call me Dr. N or Harry, kay?" Nathan nodded again, nervously playing with the hem of his shirt. "Hey, I'm not gonna slaughter you, okay? Calm down…"

"Sorry…I'm just…"

"Nervous, I know. Why'd you come here, Nathan?"

"Um….my mom and my sister died in New York…they were shot."

"It took a lot out of you?"

"Uh, needless to say, yeah. Um…my sister was my twin, and my mom adopted us when we were three when she married my dad…" Nathan trailed off, looking up, his eyes deep ocean blue.

"Is that when you started taking drugs?"

"I've taken them once before. I made the varsity basketball team as a freshman, but the seniors were definitely influential…um, they convinced me to try some pot. Stupid decision on my part."

"What were you using after your mom died?"

"Speed. Coke. Heroin-anything I could get my hands on."

"Do you still want them?"

"Hell yes. They made the pain go away…I'd give anything to have that back."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nathan stared at his phone, which the counselors said he was allowed to use during his free time. During therapy or school or whatever the hell he had to do, it had to be shut off and given to the counselor that headed his hallway. He slowly picked up the phone, going through the numbers until he reached the one for home. He pressed the SEND button, putting the phone to his ear.

It rang four times before it was picked up. "Hello?"

"Hey, Dad."

"Nathan! God, I'm surprised to hear from you. How are you?"

"I'm in hell…"

"Nathan, that place is going to help y-"

"I know Dad. I'm…the counselor guy…I met him today for two hours, but um….he said that maybe I should think about the things I like in my life and see how much I've lost because of the drugs…and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry…"

"You haven't lost me, Nate…"

"Yes, I have. I know you don't trust me anymore…and I get why….I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."

"Buddy, no matter what you do, I could never stop loving you, okay? I just want you to get better. I think that you need to call someone else though."

"I was planning on it."

"Good. How do you like it there?"

"At first I was scared; this whole place scared me…but now it's okay. I shot my first basketball again…part of the whole regretting thing…"

"Well that's good. I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah, Dad. Night."

"Good night, Nathan." Then Nathan heard the dial tone, and he closed his phone, opening it again to find the next number on his list.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Lucas was first to reach the ringing phone, setting down his water bottle when he picked it up. "Hello?"

Dialtone. Lucas looked at the phone, hanigng it up. And then it began ringing again and he quickly pulled it up. "If you're the damn telemarketers…"

"I'm sorry."

"Nathan?"

"I'm sorry."

"Uh…okay. It is you, right, Nate?"

"I'm sorry."

"Dammit, I get that."

"I'm sor-"

"You say I'm sorry one more time, I'm hanging up the phone."

"I can't help it…..I don't know what else to say."

"You could tell me what the hell is wrong with you….or where you are….or why I had to pack up our pictures-"

"I'm-um…I'm in a drug rehab center."

"You're what?"

"I'm….taking care of my many problems."

"Wait…so…how long are you there.?"

"At least two and a half months…I have month in drug rehab and probably a month and a half in grief counseling…"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"What, with all those sappy notes you left on the back of those pictues?"

"Well…just trying to get my feelings out." Lucas sighed, biting his bottom lip. "But you're okay? You're gonna-"

"Hopefully I'll be something of what I was before all this."

"Well, we're all supporting you. Can we come visit…"

"Um…not right now…probably not for awhile."

"Oh."

"Not my rules, I promise. I just….I called to say that I was acting like a jackass and I'm so sorry-"

"Nathan, don't worry about it. You're still my best friend…we'll claim it's the drugs this time."

"Okay. Can I talk to Haley? I don't have too much longer until lights out and then I have to surrender my phone-"

"Sure. Will you call-"

"Um, hopefully every couple days. I have this crazy night schedule where I have therapy and I…"

"Hey, it's fine. Let me go get her for you, okay?" Nathan nodded on the phone, even though Lucas couldn't see him. He heard silence for a few minutes, before Haley picked up the phone and whispered "Hey."

"I love you."

"Nathan?"

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't think you'd call."

"I didn't think you'd want me to…I wouldn't want you to if you acted like this."

"You broke my heart…"

"Let me pick up the pieces. I owe you that much…"

"Nathan, you focus on you right now. Getting _you_ better."

"Haley-"

"I love you too."

"Will you come visit me? When I'm allowed visitors?"

"Of course."

"I hope I can be the man you want me to be when you see me."

"You will be. I have faith in you."

"Thank you. Listen, I've got to go, but…" He paused. "I do love you…and I hope we can work this out."

"I know we will, Nathan. Go before you get in trouble."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"So, you've been here for a month Nathan….we've talked a lot," Harry started their last nightly session. "And you've progressed a lot."

"Thanks, I think," Nathan said, running a hand thorugh his short buzzed hair. In that month, he had done some serious growing up-he had realized what was important in his life, what he knew he needed, and what he could live without. "I talked to my Dad last night for the first time in three weeks-"

"Why has it been so long?"

"Do you know how betrayed I felt once I started going through those withdrawals? It hurt me and I kept blaming him for sending me here," Nathan admitted quietly. He still hated talking about his feelings.

"What did your dad say?"

"Nothing much; I think he was a little shock from the last time I called him telling him I hated him." Nathan looked at his hands before looking back up at the therapist. "So tell me how horrible I am. Not talking to my father for such a stupid reason.

"Nathan, we both know I'm not gonna do that. Listen, I've talked to your father, and I've talked to other people here, and we're gonna be releasing you tomorrow."

"What?"

"You get to go home."

"But the gri-"

"You don't need that Nathan. You know you're still hurt from your mother's and your sister's death, but you aren't grieving anymore-you're just hurt."

"I get to go home?"

"Your father's coming to pick you up at one. I suggest we end this session early and let you get packing. Remember at our first session, when I asked you if you still wanted the drugs?" Nathan nodded. "What do you think now?"

"That those things destroyed my life and hell no."

"Good. Go on, get out of here." Nathan stood up, walking slowly back to his room. _Was he ready to do this_? He closed his door, sititng against it, his eyes closed, his hands holding his head. _Deep breaths_ he whsipered carefully to himself, opening his eyes to stare at his pictures of Haley. Would she still want him, or would it be too little too late?

"She said she'd wait," he reassured himself, going to his dresser, picking up his clothes. He was going home!

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley sat unsteadily on the bridge between the Scott and Roe property, watching Dan Scott's car pull up into their driveway. Nathan would know where to find her…he always seemed to. She watched as he got out of the car, still her tall, broad shouldered knight. He scanned the area, seeing her petite body on the bridge. "Dad…can I…"

"Go, Nathan…go get your girl back. I'll bring in your stuff to your room and get started on dinner, kay?" Nathan nodded, surprised when his father brought him into a hug. "I'm so glad to have you back, Nate…so glad."

"I'm glad to be back…and sobered up, without the drugs…" Dan smirked, now turning into a smile again.

"Steak sound good for your first meal back?"

"God, yeah," Nathan agreed, looking at Haley. "Thanks, Dad."

"No problem. Now go. She's been waiting all day."

Nathan walked out to the bridge, his eyes trained on the girl there. He came up to sit beside her, feeling her body tense. He looked at her, watching her play with her ring absentmindedly. "I was an ass."

"You bet you were."

"I don't deserve you."

"No, you don't."

"I'm sorry."

"You better be."

"I love you."

"I know."

"You were the one who got me through that."

"What?"

"That letter…that letter reminded me why I was doing this."

"I love you," she whispered, looking up at him. "I missed you. I missed you when you were gone and even when you were an ass. It hurt not to be with you. I didn't feel right-it didn't feel right."

"I don't deserve to be taken back."

"I'm taking you back, though. Because as much hurt as you did me, I can't live without you," she said, leaning in and kissing him. She pulled back, her hand caressing his cheek. He nuzzled into it, leaning down to kiss her again. Their kiss was sweet, gentle as his lips remembered her sweet taste, the way her lips felt against his…perfection. He hugged her tight, nuzzling his nose into his neck. "How was it? How was it there?"

"I…it was tough. They weren't nice, and they didn't coddle you, and it hurt to know that all of it was my fault. But I'm better now…stronger…I think. I hope. But it hurt…it definitely hurt."

"I'm glad you called me…talked to me and everything," Haley said, hugging him tightly, her hand intertwining with his. "Have you talked to Lucas?"

"I did two days ago..I didn't know I was coming home until yesterday."

"You're not taking drugs?"

"No. I'm not. I've learned my lesson. All those drugs…those withdrawals nearly killed me. I remember one night…waking up…and looking for something to kill myself with. The counselor came in finding me tearing apart my room…they had to give me a sedative to calm me down."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you-"

"That was my fault, Haley, not yours. Don't blame yourself, okay? I was an idiot, and I'm paying for that mistake."

She stood up, pulling him with her. She loved how tall and strong he was, how he towered over her and could protect her. She loved how his big hands could cover her small ones and how he could make her feel so powerless. "I've got to go back before Karen starts to worry. Call me later?"

"I'll one-up you…I'll be over later to talk with Lucas."

"Kay. Bye, Nathan," Haley whispered, kissing his neck, hugging him. "I'm glad you're back."

"I'm glad I'm back, too," he said, pulling away from her as his father opened the back door. "Bye, Hales."

She smiled as she watched him walk away, jogging to the back door. Her smile widened as she watched Dan and Nathan joke, and Dan put his arm around Nathan's shoulders, hugging him. She walked back to her own house, smiling at Karen and Keith as she entered the kitchen. "How is he?"

"Good. He's still a little…you know, but he's better," Haley answered brightly.

"Who's better?" Lucas asked, coming in from a run.

"No one you know," Haley returned with a smirk.

"Uh-huh. Has Nathan called today?" Lucas loved his friend's phone calls, because for a month all he did was have fist-fights with him.

"Nope. Maybe he'll call later," Keith said, giving his son a hopeful smile.

"Maybe. I've got some homework to do, so I'm gonna go do that now," Lucas replied, grabbing a water and going upstairs.

"Boy is he going to be surprised tonight," Haley murmured, going upstairs to her own room.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Nathan knocked on the door to the Roe's house, stuffing his hands back into the pockets of his jacket. He bit his lip, wondering what Lucas would do to him. He put on a smile as the door opened and light bathed him. "Hi, Mrs. Roe."

"Nathan, it's so good to see you home!" Karen said happily, giving him a hug. "How are you?"

"I've been better, but I've definitely been worse."

"Well, it's good to have you back. Am I calling Haley?"

"Lucas."

"Okay." Karen yelled up for him, inviting Nathan in. Nathan took a deep breath, waiting for his best friend to come down the steps.

"_Nathan."_

Lucas stopped on the second to the bottom stair, staring at the teenager before him.


	16. Chapter 16

-1**Chapter Sixteen: My Safe Haven In You**

**Previously on Illusions:**  
_"Nathan."  
Lucas stopped on the second to the bottom stair, staring at the teenager before him._

"I thought you were in rehab-"

"I was. Until today," Nathan replied cryptically, his voice hoarse. "I…"

Lucas hugged his best friend tight, a smile curling on his lips. "I'm glad your back."

"Well that's a relief. I would have felt a little bad if you had like punched me or something, but I couldn't have blamed you. I was a jerk-no, an asshole." Nathan's voice was quiet, his eyes watching Lucas.

"But you're back."

"Yeah."

"Good. Are you coming back to school?"

"Yeah. I start again next week. I'm kinda nervous-my dad wants me to go talk to Whitey and then I have an appointment with the counselor-this is none of her business but-"

"Have you talked to Haley?"

"I heard my name, boys!" Haley's cheerful voice floated down the steps, and there she was, coming down the stairs. She grinned at Nathan, coming in to his waiting arms.

"Never mind," Lucas said, rolling his eyes when he glanced at Nathan. "So, do you have to go home or did you want to come up?"

"Uh, I have to go…Dad's still weird about that…he doesn't trust me to be out by myself, so.."

"Okay. I'll call you tomorrow?" Nathan nodded, kissing Haley's forehead before bidding goodbye to Karen and Keith. He stood outside their house, looking up at the imposingly large, but oddly comforting house. He loved their house almost as much as he loved his own. He turned back to his house, taking a deep breath as he walked down the driveway to the cul-de-sac that the two houses shared, back up to his house.

Dan was waiting for him as he closed the door, pulling off his jacket to set it in the closet. "Hey, Dad," Nathan greeted, looking down at the ground.

"How was Lucas?"

"Um...needless to say surprised," Nathan answered with a laugh. "I'm gonna go to bed."

"Night, Nathan."

"Night, Dad," Nathan whispered as he walked up the steps, breathing in and out, in and out. Would things ever get back to normal?

**----ILLUSIONS----**

**April 6th,  
_I am colorblind  
Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am  
Taffy stuck, tongue tied  
Stuttered shook and uptight  
Pull me out from inside_  
Colorblind_-Counting Crows_**

I'm ready. That sounds like me. Nathan just waltzed back into my life, and I'm ready to take him back…but I can't breathe without him; my chest tightens and I am at a loss for breath. But he deserves this chance-he screwed up once, and he apologized, and hell, I can't blame him for this. I would have been bitchy had my mom and sister just died.  


**He starts school the tenth, right after this spring break ends. It's been two days since he's been back, and he's been caught up in therapy and all that jazz, reconnecting with Lucas and whatnot. We're going on a date tonight, and to say I'm scared is an understatement. He's so fragile right now, and I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know what to say that isn't going to hurt him. I just don't know.  
I got a letter from Lancaster this weekend. It was from Jase's parents-his mom, actually. Annita Nichols was my surrogate mother, and I loved hearing from her-especially when her letter was filled with compliments and praises from what I have done. I nearly started crying….God, who wouldn't with their ego being stroked like that? I've been talking it over with Karen and Keith, and I might go up there to stay for like a week this summer. I think it'd be good to see Annita and Bob, Jase's father, and to see Jase.  
**

**And to think about things…  
**

**Like how next year is my senior year.  
**

**And then I go to college.  
**

**But which college?  
**

**Which major?  
**

**What about Nathan?  
**

**God, get the freaking questions out of my mind!  
**

**Please.  
**

**I'm begging.  
**

**Like on bended knee.  
**

**Arrrgggh. Pfew!!!! This sucks.  
**

**Let's think about Nathan. Nathan…Nathan…mmmm…yummy eye candy boyfriend. I love my yummy eye candy boyfriend. I mean, who wouldn't?  
**

**Hehehehe….gotta love his sexiness…**

I heard from my parents today. Well, my parents' lawyer. What a jackass. He has this weird, nasal monotone voice like fingernails on a chalkboard, and when he informed me that I would be called as a character witness on my parent's behalf, I so readily informed him that I couldn't lie to the jury and say that they were good parents. Needless to say, he was not happy. He told me that he would subpoena me…  


**And I hung up on him. How's that for a response? Except for thefact that the phone kept ringing constantly and constantly, and I'm about to go insane from it. I believe I heard Keith cuss out the lawyer earlier. Deserves the damn lawyer right…**

_To understand is to forgive, even oneself._Alexander Chase

But can I really forgive them for hurting me the most? 

Haley put her diary in the drawer in her nightstand, snapping her head around as she heard her door open. "Hey," Nathan whispered, grinning at her. She found his smile infectious, and returned it whole-heartedly, climbing off her bed to wrap him in a hug. Oh how she had missed hugging him…it was so surprising how many things you remembered in vivid detail when you missed something.

"Hey, you," she responded, leaning up to give him a kiss. "How are you?"

"Fine. Dad and I went to the school today, talked to the principal, and to Whitey."

"Uh-huh…how'd that go?"

"The principal was like 'I'm surprised this happened to you blah-de-blah' and how I was lucky that the school didn't kick me out and blah-blah-blah….doesn't he think that I don't already know that? I mean, I do! I know how close I came to getting kicked out of school-I know that!" His eyes searched Haley's, and she saw that lost little boy once again.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. What about Whitey?"

"He…he welcomed me back and told me not to pull this shit again or else next year I just better not even try for the team," Nathan answered with a wry smile, turning to his girlfriend, concern flashing in his blue waves. "Keith said that your parent's lawyer called."

"Ah, yes, the perennial asshole, that's what he is," she laughed, standing up. "He called, said I was gonna be called up as a character witness on my parents' oh-so-wonderful behalf, I told him that I couldn't lie to the courts about them being indecent people, he threatened me with a subpoena, I hung up the phone. I think Keith cussed him out already cause he kept calling."

"How can he think that you'd do that? How can the bar allow him to practice law?" Nathan asked, making her grin. He always knew how to lighten her mood. "If he calls again, tell him I'll come up there and wring his neck if he doesn't leave you alone."

"You and Lucas both. But, I've talked to Karen, and the prosecutor, who also wants me to testify. I think I might be going back to Lancaster when school ends, for the trial," Haley said, playing with one of his hands. "And maybe, if your dad will let you, will you come with me? And I think Lucas is gonna come."

"Like a family vacation?"

"Yeah."

"I'll talk to my dad. That'd be nice. Maybe he can go with us-he needs a break."

Haley was quiet a moment, before turning to face Nathan on the bed, leaning against the backboard. "What happens if your dad meets a new woman?"

Nathan's eyes shot up, watching her. "What?"

"What if he meets someone he likes a lot? Would you be okay with them dating?" she asked, her eyes on him intently. "And I'm not saying he met someone, because he hasn't. But I'm just asking what if?"

"I think…" Nathan paused for a second, not really sure what to say. "I'm sure it'd be hard at first, because I can't think of anyone but my mom as my mom. But I think if the woman was nice, and if we got along, then I wouldn't mind. I know that he'll be dating other woman pretty soon-he shouldn't be alone. And I wouldn't want him to be."  
Haley smiled, standing up. "So, where are we going tonight?" she asked excitedly.

"It's a surprise. But you get ready, kay? I wanna go talk to Lucas," he answered, giving her a quick kiss before he was out of her room. She smiled before going to her closet.

Nathan knocked on the door to Lucas' room, hearing the video game from outside. He smirked at his best friend when the door opened and he was invited in. "So, I just had the weirdest conversation with Haley."

"About?" Lucas asked, grinning as he sat on the bed.

"What I felt if my father was to start dating again. In some ways, I believe she was talking about someone else?" Nathan raised an eyebrow, his blue eye's catching Lucas'.

Lucas' smile faded, and he looked at the ground guiltily. "I was going to tell you-"

"Who is it?" Nathan asked, looking at Luke's bedspread. "And why didn't you tell me?"

"You don't know her. She moved to town about a month ago, she was my partner in Chem….her name's Rebecca. I was afraid you were going to be mad at me; I was kinda mad at me, and I didn't want it to seem like I had forgotten Brooke, because I haven't. I think about her everyday. But I needed to move on, and Becca was really sweet and didn't push me and insist stuff and-"

"When do I get to meet her?" Lucas looked up at Nathan. "I mean, you can't officially go out with her unless she has your best friend's approval, right?" Lucas nodded emphatically, relief pouring over. "I'm not mad, Luke. You're right; you need to move on, and I totally understand that. Just like with my father. I'll understand it when he chooses to date again, if he decides to. And I'll give him my approval as long as the woman doesn't try and replace my mother."

"And Becca knows that she won't replace Brooke in my heart. But, speaking of meeting her, I asked her to come over, and she should be here in like ten minutes."

"Does Haley like her?"

"A lot," Lucas answered truthfully.

"Then I'm sure I'll like her, man." Nathan looked at the basketball game, stealing the controller from Lucas. "So, I heard about Haley's evil lawyer."

"Yeah…did she tell you about going up to L-"

"-ancaster? Yeah. And I'm gonna ask my dad if I can go with her."

"It'll be nice to see where Haley comes from."

"It's hard to remember that she didn't grow up with us," Nathan said. "I remember the first day I heard about her, though, and how you were so excited because you finally were getting a sister."

"And how you were such a jerk when she came."

"That too. I remember the first time I kissed her-"

"I don't need to know about that-"

"Or the first time I told her I loved her, and how that rings true even today, even with this mess about the drugs and me and-"

"You know she's totally forgiven you that, right? I think you could get Haley to forgive you for murder," Lucas laughed, hearing a car pull up. "That's Becca."

"Oooh, c'mon! I get to go meet the girl!" Nathan yelled happily, pausing the game as he pushed past Lucas out of the door, down the steps as Keith opened the front door.

"Hey, Keith," a girl warmly greeted, hugging the man.

"Hey, Becca. I believe that would be Lucas coming down now." The girl smiled, turning from Keith, staring at the boy's shoving each other down the steps. "And Nathan. Nate, I didn't realize you were still here."

"Yeah-you know Hales. It takes her forever and always to get ready. So, I'm meeting Becca. Hi, Becca-" Nathan offered his hand to the girl with a smile on his face, taking her in. She was about Haley's height, with dirty blond hair down to her mid black, bright green eyes. She smiled back at him, accepting his hand, to which he pulled her into a hug.

"Hi. You've got to be Nathan, the best friend Lucas speaks so highly about and the boyfriend that Haley lusts after."

"She lusts? Really?" Nathan smirked, looking up the stairs knowingly. "Well, that's just cause I'm so hot, unlike this gangly creature."

"HEY!" Lucas shouted, pushing his best friend out of the way, raising an eyebrow. Nathan nodded slightly, hearing Haley's door open. "Yes, Becca, this is my blockhead of a best friend, Nathan. He's Brooke's brother."

"Oh." Becca's eyes widened. "So this has got to be so awkward for you. I'm sorry!"

"Like I told Lucas, he deserves to move on, and he obviously likes you a lot, so I'm happy for both of you," Nathan answered truthfully, hearing his girlfriend trip on the step. "Oh, God. Hales, has the klutz come out to play?" he laughed.

"Bite me, Nathan!" Haley yelled back at him, finally coming to the bottom step. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a beautiful bright green peasant top, tight on her waist, with big sleeves, a white spaghetti strap under it. "Hey, Becca."

"Hey, Haley. You and Nathan going out tonight?"

"Yup."

"You look gorgeous, Hales," Nathan managed to get out, pulling her to him for a light kiss. "I've got to be the luckiest guy in the world."

"You are. Now let's get going, superstar. I wish to find out where we are going-"

"Hold on, Haley," Keith called, coming back in the room. "What time do you expect to have her back home?" Hurt flashed through Nathan's eyes; Keith didn't trust him anymore, not with Haley. Didn't he realize he would never hurt her? But he had told Keith that onece, and he had betrayed that promise.

"Um…by eleven, sir, no later than 11:20. I have to be home by 11:30," Nathan admitted wryly. Keith gave him a smile, kissing Haley's forehead.

"Okay, then. You two have fun, and I'll expect her home by 11:30." Nathan nodded, leading Haley out, to his father's truck. He had lost the privileges of having his own car, and though he hated it, he agreed with his father; he didn't need his own car after just getting out of drug rehab.

"Nathan, you're so quiet," Haley said as he drove.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"What's wrong, babe?"

"It hurts how no one trusts me now. Not my dad, and sure as hell not Keith and Karen."

"It just takes time, Nathan. You have to rebuild that trust again, show them that your okay. And it's not gonna be easy, but it'll be a lot easier than what you expect, because these people, they love you," Haley commented, looking at the riverside restaurant he had parked at. "Aww-"

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"Night, Nathan," Haley whispered as she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. "I love you."

"I love you, too. I hope you had fun."

"I did, promise. I'll talk to you tomorrow?" Nathan nodded, watching her go through her door and close it securly before walking back to his truck. Haley turned, waltzing into the living room, where Keith and Karen sat, waiting up for her. She sat beside them on the couch, looking at them both. "You don't need to worry. He treated me like a princess-no, like a goddess. My Nathan is back, okay?"

"Haley, we only wish we could, but-"

"He hurt me, I know. But I know I hurt people, and I'm lucky that those people forgave me. Maybe you need to do a little of the same to Nathan-Lord knows he's been through a lot. And he's taking the blame for what he's done; he realizes it was wrong. And he blames himself for it," Haley whispered, going up the stairs to her room. She settled onto the bed, opening her computer and her e-mail accounts.

To: Trial of Lydia & Jimmy James

Miss James,

I once again encourage you to contact me for information about the many questions we will ask you during the trial. Some may be deeply personal to you but will be relevant to the case. Again, you may contact me at 458-555-3218 or at one of my two e-mail you again,  
Bill Ware

Haley shook her head, glaring at the mirror across from her. She sat on her bed, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples, looking back at the e-mail. She hit REPLY, taking a calming breath.

To: Re: Trial of Lydia and Jimmy James

Do not contact me. Do not speak to me. Leave me the hell alone. I'm happy here, with Karen and Keith. Plus, I'm already a witness for the prosecution.

Tell my parents Revenge is bittersweet and happens to have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

Haley closed her computer, glaring at the offending black machine. She hated this…she hated all of this. Her parents should know that she wouldn't say anything good about them. They were evil demons that were finally caught and now had to pay the price. She sighed, walking into her bathroom and starting a warm bath, mixing in bubblebath. She felt a wave of relief wash over her body as she sat down in the tub, the water coming up to her neck.

And then she felt the sobs come. Long and hard, making her feel miserable both physically and mentally. They racked her body, wave after wave of them making her feel absolutely dreadful.

"Haley?" Karen's voice whispered thorugh her room to her bathroom and she looked up as the door opened. "Haley, what's wrong?"

"N-nothing," the girl whispered, bringing her knees up to her chest, leaning her forehead against them.

"Haley?"

"I'm fine, Karen."

"No you aren't. Tell me what's wrong, Haley."

_It's my stupid parents_ Haley thought to herself, pulling her knees in tighter so that she could rest her chin on them. "I hate them."

"Who?"

"Who do you think? Two evil people making their way through this world by manipulating other people-"

"Your parents?"

"Bingo."

"What happened this time?"

"That stupid lawyer. He won't leave me alone."

"He stopped calling."

"But he's still sending e-mails."

"Can't you block him?"

"I guess, but I shouldn't have to! He won't stop badgering me! I thought I got it through his thick skull that there was no way in hell I was going to testify on behalf of my parents. _They_ should have known that from the beginning, as many times as I've told them that I hated them!" She shook her head, looking up at Karen. "Just…just leave, please?"

Karen watched her uncertainly, then figured it might be for the best if she let Haley deal with this alone. "Okay, sweetheart. But if you need anything, you can always talk to me, okay?"

Haley nodded, watching the woman leave. She climbed out of the tub, drying off before slipping into her comfy sweats, climbing out the window of her house to go to her safe haven.


	17. Chapter 17

-1**Chapter Seventeen: And the Angry Shall Revolt, the Weary Shall Suffer**

**May 27th,  
_at the end of the world  
or the last thing i see  
you are  
never coming home  
never coming home  
never coming home  
never coming home  
and all the things that you never ever told me  
and all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me  
never coming home  
never coming home  
could i should i  
and all the wounds that are  
never gonna..._**

The Ghost of You-My Chemical Romance

Deep breaths…deep breaths…deep breaths…

Do you ever feel like your world is caving, and there is nothing you can do to stop it? Or, that it's spinning like a Tilt-a-whirl and jumbling until it finally breaks and nothing's left but pieces? It makes you sick as you watch it, but there is nothing you can do. That's how my life feels right now.  


**This sucks…it all sucks. I don't want to be here, now…I don't want to be here at all. I don't want to see my parents, I don't want to testify, I don't want all the people here to see what I've turned in to, cause I'm afraid they'll be jealous. I hate this. I HATE IT ALL! DO YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING? It hurts to be here again, it hurts to try to let anyone from this horrible wreck of a town in.  
**

**But I need to do this.  
**

**I need to face my parents, show them all the hurt they caused, how much pain I'vew had because of them. I don't think they realize how much hate I truly feel for them, or how much damage they've done to me.  
**

**Nathan keeps looking at me all concerned and whatnot. He's been so sweet in the past two months, and I feel like he's grown so much. He and I have experienced more love each day than before. He's so much calmer now, talking more to Dan, their relationship growing soo much. Dan hasn't dated anyone yet, but if it's any indication on how Nathan would take it, he and Becca are friends.  
**

**He takes my hand, drawing circles on it. His hands are so strong, so much stronger than mine. He's been working out with Lucas every day, reacquainting his body with the muscles that for so long were abused. I bring his hand to my lips, kissing it, feeling it caress against my cheek. I'm surprised Dan let him come with us, but you can see the trust that Nathan has regained from his hard work. Days of being in before curfew, keeping his grades up, passing all his drug tests and going to see his therapist…all those days have paid off, and how glad I am that they have. We are now allowed to have a date that lasts past eleven, and Keith and Karen trust him enough to drive me to and from school…  
**

**I have the trial starting next week. The prosecution has appealed to have me testify in the judge's chamber, or just with the jury and the judge and the lawyers in the court. Basically, they don't want me exposed to the press…and I can understand that. Infact, I requested that. I don't want to be criticized by people who don't understand what I've been through and why I'm doing this. They don't understand my hurt, my pain, the damage, and frankly, I don't want to have to give a damn about their opinions and I don't want to have to field off questions, because that just makes me uncomfortable.  
**

**And there's his hand again, lightly rubbing, circle after circle after circle. Smooth, calm…**

_One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love._-Sophocles

And when the weight of the world finally makes me collapse, I know that he'll be there. He'll be there to sift through the pieces, picking mine up carefully as possible, and fixing me, because he…he's mine. My only one. My Nathan. 

She closed her notebook, glancing up at Nathan, whose eyes were closed, his fingers still lightly tracing. She captured the fingers in her own, smiling at him as she leaned over and placed a kiss on his cheek. His lips turned into a smile, and she leaned her head on his shoulder, closing her own eyes. "I love you," she murmured as she drifted off to sleep.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Haley pushed her hair up into a ponytail, rolling her neck, trying to relax. She glanced at the clock, watching the minutes tick by, slowly, so slowly. She was finally going to see her parents, after preparation and questions and more preparations.

"Hales?" Nathan whispered, opening the door to her room. She smiled, inviting him in as she sat on the bed. "You nervous?"

"Is it that obvious?" she whispered, closing her eyes as his hand went out to caress her chin. "Like, Mothera-sized butterflies flying at like sixty miles an hour and ramming into every organ I have."

"Haley, why?" Nathan asked, pulling her into his lap.

"My parents….Nathan, I can't…they screwed up my life so bad! They….they screwed me over…and I can't forget that…and it's like…."

"I know," Nathan whispered, hugging her tight, running his hand through her hair, pulling the silky strands out of the ponytail. "But you are so much stronger than them, Hales. You got me through this…you know you got me through this, and I will help you get through this. I love you…I love you so much, and if you want, I'll go with you."

"Really? You'd do that? Cause my parents are SOBs to the highest degree…"

"You've seen me at my worse-"

"That's still not as bad as them, Nathan. My parents….they're evil…spawns of Satan."

Nathan pulled her into a kiss, letting himself take all her worries away. He knew how sick she was; sick with worry that somehow, someway, her parents were gonna get off. She deepened the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck as she pulled him down on top of her on the bed. "I love you, Haley James, and I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, you understand? You are beautiful, and you are so much stronger than them, like I've said."

"You're the strong one, Nathan. Look at all you've gone through in the past two months, look at all you've accomplished. I'm so proud of you, Nathan; I hope you know that. I don't know how you've managed to do it, but you've accomplished so much more than what you started with," Haley returned, leaning up to place a gentle kiss on his lips. "You are one of the best _men_ I know, and I love you for that."

"You love me, uh?" Nathan laughed a little, making her smile.

"Oh yeah, I do."

"Good, cause I love you even more, Haley James. Now c'mon, let's get this done and over with.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

She watched the scene before her stoically, gripping Nathan's hand with vise-like strength that blotted his hand with red and purple. His hand rested on her thigh, and she felt the chills going down her spine. And that gave her confidence that she could do this.

"The next witness we'd like to call is Haley James," the prosecutor, Jamie White, said, giving Haley an encouraging smile as she stood up, making her way to the front of the courtroom. Haley sat in front of the courtroom, her eye's catching Nathan's blue ones. "Please state your name for the record."

"Haley Anne James."

"Haley, what is your relationship with the defendants?"

"Um…I'm their daughter."

"Do you currently reside with them?"

"No."

"Where do you live if you don't reside with your parents?"

"In…Tree Hill, North Carolina, with Keith and Karen Roe."

"How long have you lived there?"

"Um…six months."

"Okay…why did you go to North Carolina?"

"My parents were arrested."

"What for?" prompted the lawyer.

"Possession of an illegal substance and for selling it."

And on and on the questions went. Questions about her parents drug deals and herself, about the reason she didn't call the police. The defense hounded her, causing the judge to have several angry outbursts about the ethics of the defense lawyer. Finally, he called it a day. Haley was thankful. She was starting to get the feeling that if the lawyer asked her one more question, she'd snap his head off.

"Hey, you," Nathan said, leaning in to kiss her gently. "I love you."

"I have a feeling you're the only one in that room who does," she returned with a smile, falling into his hug.

"Hey, as long as you need it, I'll gladly be the only one."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

She sat at the stand again, facing the defense lawyer with dignity. "So, are you asking me if I'm still a virgin 'cause you want to commit rape or does this somehow have something to do with my parents and their little bitty drug habit?" Haley snapped back at the lawyer, watching Nathan smirk as the judge banged the gavel.

"Miss James, please try to stick with answering the questions and not asking them yourself; Mr. Ware, keep your questions to the case at hand before I dismiss you."

"Miss James, you were friends with Jason Nichols, correct?"

"Yeah."

"You spent a lot of time with him, correct?"

"Um, yeah."

"So how do you know what your parents were doing if you were always with your best friend?"

"You do realize I lived in the same apartment as the freaking meth lab they used, right? Or are you just so stupid you don't?" Haley asked, tears coming to her eyes. "And Jase…leave him out of this. He died because of those bastards-" she pointed to her parents, "and I will never forgive them for that." She turned to the judge. "Can I have a couple of minutes?" She asked in a whisper, wiping the tears out of her eyes.

"Sure, sweetheart. A five minute recess; baliff, if you'll escort Miss James to my chambers; Mr. Ware, Mr. White, sidebar please."

Haley's tears waited until she entered the chamber, and she slid down a wall, bringing her knees into her chest, resting her elbows on her knees, running her fingers through her hair. Why did the memories of Jase still hurt so much? "Miss, are you going to be okay?" the baliff asked her gently.

"Yeah; I'll be fine," she whispered, pushing the tears away. "Just need some time."

After a few minutes, the door opened and she saw the judge there. "Sweetheart, you about ready to go back?"

"Yeah." 

Haley slowly walked back into the courtroom, catching Nathan's eyes. "You okay?" he asked; she nodded, going back to the stand. She glared at the lawyer, the one who caused her to cry. "Are you ready to continue, Miss James?"

"Let's hope."

"So, you claim there was a meth lab located in your house?"

"It was a crappy apartment and yeah, it was sitting in the kitchen."

"So why didn't anybody else see it? Report it?"

"Which ones, the gang leaders or the corrupted cops?" Haley asked with a smirk. "Everybody who ever entered that apartment saw it; they were either too smart to say anything or too stupid to care."

"Why didn't you tell?"

Haley took a deep breath, looking at the man. "Why? Because I didn't want to go to some group home or have some people pity me. I had my best friend, and I knew I was gonna get out of that place in two years."

"So why now?"

"My best friend is dead, I've already gotten out of that place. And I don't need my parents there anymore…" she trailed off, staring hard at her father. "They never loved me…"

"That's not true!" her father yelled, standing up, glaring at her. "You ungrateful little-"

"Mr. James, I suggest you settle down before I have the baliff escort you out!" The judge barked, banging his gavel.

"How dare you! We fed you and clothed you for sixteen years! How could you betray us like that? HOW COULD YOU!"

"Baliff, please remove Mr. James from this court-"

A shot rang out, and Haley's head snapped back to the judge, who's face twisted in surprise.

"Nobody is going anywhere." Haley turned back to the door, where a man stood, gun raised, his eyes on the baliff. "Release them." The baliff nodded, going to the defendants' table, undoing their handcuffs. Her hands tightened on the arm rests of the chair, and she stared at the man.

"Tate," she whispered, shaking her head at her former schoolmate. She shook her head, looking back at the judge. He was bleeding badly, still on the ground. She slid away from the seat, looking at the judge. "Are you okay?"

He nodded, giving her a faint smile. She looked at his arm, gently pressing on it, trying to stop the blood flow. Trying to erase this day in time completely.

**_Does this darkness have a name…this cruelty…this hatred? How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it?_**

Nathan watched the gun that Jimmy James was holding, the gun he had gotten from the cop in the room. He looked back to the stand, where Haley was trying to take care of the judge. Fifteen people…three evil men…three criminals…were holding fifteen people hostage in the courtroom, ready to shoot anyone who dared defied them.

"You," Jimmy James called, looking at Nathan. "Who are you?"

Nathan looked up at the man, his blue eyes casting the smallest amount of fear. "Nathan Scott," he answered softly, glancing back to Haley, who stared at him, frightened that her father would do something to him.

"Where are you from, Nathan Scott?"

"North Carolina. I'm here with Haley; I'm her boyfriend," he admitted proudly, raising his head up in defiance. "And believe me, your gun doesn't scare me."

"Haley's boyfriend, huh? My daughter whoring it up with you?"

"You really one to be talking about a whore, Dad; look who you married," Haley commented, standing up, looking over at Tate. "How did this happen, Tate? You are an eighteen-year-old boy; can you really kill somebody?" She paused, shaking her head slightly when he didn't answer. "Addiction is horrid, isn't it?"

"So you got a boyfriend, Hales? You're just making yourself quite a life down there, aren't you?" Jimmy spat out, coming closer to Nathan, who stood there, still defiant as ever. "Tell me, will I get to see you cry if I kill your boyfriend?"

"Yeah, I've had a good life in Tree Hill. I have a boyfriend who loves me, two parents who'd give up the world for me, quite different from you two. I have a nice car, a nice house….God I'm glad you two were arrested," she said with a smirk. "You're really gonna shoot someone you don't know?"

"You've forgotten, Haley, that I've done it before." He turned back to Nathan, who stared at the gun. "So, Nathan, are you sleeping with my daughter?"

"None of your business," Nathan returned, looking at Haley.

"Son, I think it is."

"And really don't think so," Haley snapped, gaining her father's attention. "I'm no longer your business, Dad."

"Nathan, sit down." For the first time, the attention turned to Lucas, who was sitting beside his best friend, eyeing him, gripping Becca's hand tight. "Please. Before you get yourself killed."

"That'd be a good suggestion for to follow, _Nathan_. We wouldn't want Haley's precious little boyfriend to get hurt. In fact, why don't you go sit up there by her. You too, friend…" Jimmy nodded to Lucas, who shakily stood, following Nathan to the stand. Haley wrapped her arms around him, thankful he was with her.

"I love you," she whispered into his chest, placing a kiss there. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

"I know, Haley babe. I love you, too," he whispered back. "No matter what happens, okay?" They both jumped as they heard a shot, and Nathan watched Tate drop to the ground.

"Everyone else, out!" He hugged her tighter as the rest of the courtroom filed out, leaving the four teenagers and the injured judge haplessly hiding behind the judge's seat and the witness stand.

**_What happened to us that we send our children into the world like we send our young men to war, hoping for their safe return, but knowing that some will be lost along the way?_**

"You shouldn't have told him," Haley chastised Nate, tracing his fingers and his hand. "You would've been safe, Nate. You aren't now."

"I don't want to be safe without you, Haley. I can't imagine knowing that you could be hurt and you wouldn't be here. When you close your doors, and make darkness within, remember never to say that you are alone, for you are not alone; nay, God is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light to see what you are doing?" he whispered as he kissed her forehead.

"Who said that?"

"Epictetus, Haley; Dr. Norton told me it the night I tried to kill myself. We have God, and we have our mind, but more importantly we have each other…and that's how I want it," Nathan replied, looking at Lucas. "You okay, man?"

Lucas nodded, looking out the window. "How long have we been here?" Lucas asked.

"I don't know, Luke, I don't know."

Jimmy came over, grabbing Haley's forearm, pulling her up.

"Hey! Leave her alone!" Nathan yelled, standing up, reaching out to grab his girlfriend back. Jimmy threw her across the room, watching as she stumbled down the steps and into a pew. Nathan pushed past him, wrapping his arms around Haley, letting her cry.

"How could you do this to your daughter? She's part of you! How could you hurt her like this?"

"Nathan," Haley whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Sssh. I'm here."

The bullet was popped out in and instant, and it slammed into the wall above his head, making Haley scream.

"Shut up!" Jimmy yelled, coming over, jerking Nathan up, away from Haley. He slammed the gun across his face, watching the teenaged boy's head slam into the wooden seats as he crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

"Nathan?" Haley whimpered, coming closer to him, her hand touching the blood. "Na- nathan?" Her eyes widened in fear, and she turned to look at Lucas.

**_When did we lose our way, consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness?_**

"How cruel are you, exactly?" Haley snapped at her father, standing up. "Couldn't leave me be, happy? Had to have your _lawyer_ harrass me? Why can't you let me be happy for once? Just because you couldn't provide that happiness doesn't mean you should try and take it away from me!"

"SHUT UP!" Jimmy yelled, glaring at his daughter.

"Why should I? I spent sixteen years shutting up. I'm not doing it anymore. And you can try to hurt me, and you can hurt my boyfriend all you want, but I'm not gonna shut up anymore. I'm not gonna lie for you, I'm not gonna cover for you, I'm not gonna let the whole world see the fake side of Jimmy James anymore," Haley said, looking down at Nathan. "You know, the first time I saw him, I thought he was going to hurt me like you had, Dad. I thought he was going to degrade me, think of me as a lowlife. But he is so much more a man than you, and I see that every day in the way he holds me, and the way he tells me he loves me. You know you never once said that to me? You never told me you loved me. Not even when I was younger. And it hurt so much. Until I met Keith, and Nathan, and Lucas, and Dan, even. They…they love me. They don't want anything bad to happen to me. I love all of them more than I could ever love you."

Jimmy slapped Haley then, just to get her to shut up. He didn't need to hear these lies, he didn't need to hear her!

"Stop it!" Lucas yelled, standing up. "When are you going to stop? She hasn't done anything to you! You've hurt her, though! That's all you do! You hurt her, you blame her, and it's not her fault that you've screwed up."

"You might want to shut your mouth, son."

"Or what? You're gonna shoot me? Go ahead. I've watched my best friend find out his sister died, I've watched him inject drugs into his body, and I sure as hell am not gonna watch you hurt him anymore. Or Haley. So shoot me. I dare you."

"Lucas-" Haley warned, looking down at Nathan. "Please."

She kept checking Nathan's pulse, using the hem of her shirt to wipe the blood off his face. "Nathan, wake up," she sang into his ear, glancing up at her father before caressing her boyfriend's cheek. "Please wake up."

"Aww, is witle Hawey's boyfwiend huwrt?" her father teased, making her glare at him.

"Leave me alone, dad," she cautioned the man, gently lifting Nathan's head into her lap.

"Leave us all alone. Go, if you're so worried about getting caught. But keeping hostages? How stupid are you? Don't you think that you've caused enough damage? You've shot the judge, assualted both my boyfriend and me, and you expect just to waltz out of here without so much as a reprimand?" Haley looked at her mother, sighing. "Mom, help me here! You two have ruined my life for years upon years; all I ask is that you help me out once! I'm your daughter! I took care of both of you when you were stoned or high or drunk; I've protected you from the cops, and I even helped you! For once you can do the same for me!" She looked down at Nathan, then back to her mother. "He's hurt! You know, he was addicted to drugs? He's beaten so many things, and I'm not willing to let him fail here! Help me! For once in your life, be a good person!"

Lydia stared at her daughter, then at the gun in her hand, and at Jimmy. She watched the blood roll down Nathan's forehead, dropping in small, tiny droplets to the carpet. She looked back at her husband; for nearly twenty years, she had stayed by his side with anything he wanted to do. But was she really willing to sacrifice what little relationship she had with her daughter for her husband who hurt her so?

"Mom, please-"

"Lydia, don't you dare go against me-"

"Don't let him die-"

"Or so help me God I will kill you-"

"I love him."

"With my bare hands!"

"SHUT UP!" Lydia screamed, pulling the trigger. Haley's head jerked up as she saw her father's body jerk and convulse as it fell to the ground. And as quick as it began, this ordeal was over. Oh, how the angry had revolted, and how the weary had suffered, she thought, staring down into Nathan's face.

**_Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?_**


	18. Chapter 18

-1**Chapter Eighteen: What is left of the crumbled souls **

**May 28th,**

_God bless the child  
Who is broken and bruised  
God bless the child  
Who just wants to be good  
Oh, beware to take care of yourself  
Or you'll lack the strength to help somebody else_

God Bless the ChildMichelle Featherstone

Ten black roses arrived for my father's funeral from the prison they took my mother to. Black roses-so significant, so ironic. So rare, and yet so ugly-my father-the roses…both so rare and so ugly.  


**I was never close to him, and I will never claim that I was. I didn't love him; well, maybe I did in my younger years, when the love of a parent seemed significant enough to change my life, before I knew the rules of Lancaster- but I don't love him. He deserves every thing he got in life, everything he hurt finally came back to him in a single bullet during the biggest betrayel of his life. And I can't say that I'm sorry about it.  
**

**But it still hurts, you know? Just like those black roses, the hurt is going to wilt and die and I'm not going to feel it anymore, but until it does, it's still going to hurt.  
**

**But not as much as seeing my boyfriend in the hospital.  
**

**Not as much as scaring my 'brother'.  
**

**Not as much as watching my best friend die.  
**

**My boyfriend addicted to drugs.  
**

**My best 'girl' friend dying.  
**

**My 'brother' learning how to cope with pain.  
**

**His death doesn't compare to all that.  
**

**And it never will.  
**

**So I don't cry.  
**

**At least not for him.  
**

**I don't think I can.  
**

**And I don't think I would, anyway.  
**

**I cry for Nathan. He still hasn't woken up, and the doctors are afraid because he suffered a seizure at the hospital and they think he might have damaged his brain.  
**

**I hope. I pray for him. And I won't give up on him.  
**

**Because he never gave up on me.  
**

**And he won't ever.  
**

**So I won't cry for my father. Does that make me something? Something horrible, unmentionable evil that scares people at night? What does not caring about my father's death make me? Does it make me smart?  
**

**Stupid?  
**

**Dumb?  
**

**Idiotic?  
**

**Depressed?  
**

**I'm still leaning on the smart.  
**

**There's the doctor. He's not smiling…that's not good? Is that bad?**

Haley opened the door to Nathan's hospital room, smiling softly as she heard the soft beeping of his heart monitor. She sat beside his body on his bed, looking at him. "Just trying to get me in your bed, aren't you?" she laughed, wiping tears out of her eyes. "The doctor said that you'll be okay as long as you wake up soon. Preferably now, while I'm here, so I can hug you and kiss you, but whenever you feel like it…I might be able to wait." She waited a beat, watching his IV drip. "How come we end up in hospitals so much, Nathan? Is that our thing? I don't think I like this thing-um…why can't like…surviving the crappiest be our thing, 'cause we do that well too."

"How is he?" Dan whispered, coming into his son's room.

"Same as before. The doctor told me that he had a pretty bed seizure," Haley replied, turning from him.

"Haley, what's wrong, sweetheart?"

"Damn him."

"Who, Haley?"

"Damn my father. He did this to Nathan. God, how terrible of a person am I? I'm glad he's dead, and I only wish I could have been the one to do it," she whispered, looking down on her boyfriend. "Does that make me a horrible person, Dan?"

"I don't think so, Haley. I want to murder your father too. And believe me, I'd rip him apart with my bare hands; it wouldn't be pretty." Haley laughed a little, looking at Dan.

"You could've done it, too, believe me; he used drugs as his power."

"…Ley," Nathan muttered, turning in the bed. His girlfriend's and his father's eyes watched him carefully, hoping for a sign.

"Nathan?" she said, kissing his forehead. "Can you hear me? Your dad's here, too, Nathan."

"…ad?" he murmured, pushing his eyes opened. "Dad-"

Dan smiled, leaning in to take his son's hand. "I'm here, buddy. Right here," he whispered, nodding to Haley, who said she was going to get a doctor. "How are you feeling?"

"Hurt…head hurt."

"Well, you suffered a bad concussion and a bad seizure afterwards."

"Se-seizure?"

"It's okay now, Nathan. You'll only be in here a day or two, then we'll all go home and get you ready for your senior year…and basketball…and being a teenager. I think we've forgotten-the both of us- that you're a teenager."

"Yeah," Nathan said, closing his eyes, opening them again. "Good."

"Ah, Mr. Scott, you've joined the living, I see."

"Yeah…like bright lights," he whispered, smiling at the doctor.

"Hehe, I see you still have a sense of humor. How are you feeling?"

Nathan looked at his father, who turned to the doctor. "His head hurts."

"We'll work on the pain, okay? Anything else hurt?" Nathan shook his head. "Well, that's good. I'll have the nurse start you on some morphine and we'll get you some food up here." The doctor turned to Dan. "There is a still a huge risk of him having another seizure, so I'm probably going to keep him in the ICU today and we'll send him down tomorrow."

"Okay. Can we stay with him?"

"Um, two people at a time, but for only fifteen minutes, and give him some time in between. He's probably a little disoriented, so if you want to stay in here a little while, I'll let the nurse know."

"Please."

"Okay." The doctor looked at Nathan, sleeping quietly. "He fractured his skull; he's lucky he didn't do more damage."

"All he did was fall."

"I know, but the body's a very delicate thing."

"I just want to stay here for awhile…with Nate."

"Okay. The nurse should be up soon with some morphine for him."

**----ILLUSIONS----**

Dan watched his son's chest rise and fall, the monitor steady. Keith and Karen had forced Haley back to the hotel to get some rest, and he was all alone as the clock neared two in the morning. His eyes begged for sleep, but he didn't want to leave Nathan. He couldn't leave Nathan-he couldn't leave the only family he had left.

"Mr. Scott?" the night nurse whispered, coming in the room. "I'm sorry-I have to wake Nathan up."

Dan turned to his son, watching his young face. "Do you have to? He looks so peaceful."

"I know, but we have to check his vitals and give him some more meds. It'll only take me 10 minutes, fifteen tops, and then he can go back to sleep," the nurse promised, giving him a soft smile.

"But he hasn't gotten a lot of sleep, and what with his injury…"

"Mr. Scott, I have to make sure he's okay. He can stand to be woken up for a few minutes. Maybe you should go grab some coffee and a bagel in the cafeteria," the nurse advised as she began pulling Nathan from his dreams. "Mr. Scott, if you don't go, I'm gonna have to have security escort you out." Dan nodded, leaving the room. The nurse turned to the groggy Nathan, who was considering lewd terms for her. "Nathan, open your eyes for me."

"No," Nathan murmured, turning his head away from her.

"Don't make me flash the flashlight in your eyes. Open them." She heard Nathan curse and opened his eyes, his brilliant baby blues looking at her. "Good boy."

"I'm not a dog," he replied monotone.

"I know. I'm going to take your blood pressure now, okay?" Nathan nodded, resting back on his pillows, staring at the blank wall across from his bed. "Nathan, everything looks good. Um, any pain?"

"No."

"Okay. I'm going to go get you some more morphine and some antibiotics and then you can go back to sleep."

"Thank God."

"I take it you're not a morning person."

"God, no."

"Let me go get those meds," the nurse said, smiling at him before leaving the room, returning a couple minutes later with a bag of fluids, which she hooked onto the IV pole and then to his IV, and then injected the morphine. "Go back to bed, Nath-" But she didn't have to say anything; he was already asleep.

**----ILLUSIONS----**

"Dad, I hit my head- the doctor gave me the all-clear before we left!" Nathan protested as Dan sentenced him upstairs for the day as they got home.

"He also recommended that you _rest_ when we get home!" Dan chided, smiling at his son. "You forget that you also had a seizure."

"But I'm _fine_ now!"

"UPSTAIRS, Nathan!" Dan laughed goodheartedly as his son stopped by the answering machine, seeing that they had a couple of messages. He pressed the button, leaning on the stair railing as the messages started.

"Hey Dan, Nathan, this is Jack Critcen of the Renoylds Basketball Camp. Um, we were wondering if you were interested in applying for…"

DELETE.

"Nate, it's Haley. We're stuck in-get this-the airport because of some stupid storms. I wish I could be back home-I could play nurse-ooops, shouldn't have said that when I know Mr. Scott will be listening to this. Hi, Mr. Scott….well, I gotta go. Love you, baby. Talk to you later." Nathan's eyes lit up, even as he slowly deleted the message.

"Hi, Dan, it's Elisabeth. I know you're out of town right now with your son, but I was just calling to say that I miss you, honey. Call me som-"

Nathan's whole hand slammed onto the Delete button as he stared at his father. "You son-of-a-bitch," he finally whispered, storming off up the stairs. The door's slamming vibrated throughout the house, leaving Dan still standing in his place. He slowly picked up the phone, dialing _her_ number.

"Hello?" her voice sounded strained, as if stressed over work.

"Hey."

"Dan! When did you get back in town?"

"Today, actually, Liz. Um…Nathan found out."

"How?"

"Your message. It was on the machine, and he was checking messages," Dan whispered back, sitting on the couch, looking up the stairs. "He looked so hurt."

"I thought you said he'd be okay with us-"

"And I'm sure he is. But I should have told him. God, I screwed up."

"So go talk to him. Work this out, invite me to dinner tomorrow so I can finally meet the boy you just love to brag about, and we can find out where he really stands."

"You realize that if he says no, this-us-isn't happening."

"I know. But I'm willing to take that chance, Dan. Because, believe it or not, I want Nathan to like me because I like you so much."

"See you at eight?" Dan suggested.

"Sure. Chinese is good."

Dan hung up the phone, replacing it on it's stand as he stood up himself, stretching a little before heading up the steps.

Nathan sat in his room, staring at the picture of his family that had been taken about a year ago, together with the picture of them on their adoption day. He stared hard at them, trying so hard to remember the specific days. He couldn't.

There was a soft knock on his door, but he didn't turn to his father. He really didn't want to talk to him about…about _her_. But she had a name…Elisabeth? Elizabeth? Something….fancy. Something…different. Different from Mom. Different from Deb. A whole lot of different.

"I met her three weeks ago," Dan began, sitting on Nathan's bed, looking over at the picture of Deb. "She was good friends with your mother back in college. She came to the funeral, and I bumped into her a couple of weeks ago because she was looking for a car. She asked me how you were and how I was holding up, and we just got to talking from there. She's a really great person, Nate. She's a chef, she's…"

"She was your secret," Nathan cut in harshly, glaring at his father. "Why couldn't you just tell me? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO BEHIND MY BACK! YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T!"

"Nathan-"

"I can't do this right now. I'm sorry." Nathan pushed past his father, running down the steps, grabbing his keys on the way out before sprinting across the lawn. He knocked on the door, stepping back as he bit his lip, his rage still burning inside. How could he! How dare he!

"Nathan?" Karen asked worriedly, opening the door for him.

"Can I talk to Haley?"

"Sure, sweetheart. She's upstairs unpacking." Nathan dragged himself to the stairs, where Haley was waiting.

"Nathan? Are you okay?"

"No. Not even close to it."


	19. Chapter 19

-1**Chapter Nineteen: When All Is Said And Done...**

Haley watched as Nathan slept by her, running her hands down his tensed arm. He snuggled into her side, sighing as she heard her door open. She looked up to see Dan, staring at his son. "He's okay," she told him, smiling some as she turned to face her boyfriend. "He's hurt."

"I didn't mean to-"

"You shouldn't have lied to him, Dan. He's been surrounded by liars for so long; he didn't expect it to come from you," Haley told the father. "I'll make sure he's back tomorrow. Just let him sleep it off; it'll feel better to him tomorrow."

"You think?"

"I'll talk to him, make sure. You better let him meet her soon-"

"She's coming over tomorrow for Chinese."

"Good. I'll take care of him, Mr. Scott. Just let him go for tonight," Haley murmured as Nathan turned in her bed.

"I better get back to him."

"Okay. Thank you, Haley."

"No problem. Night, Mr. Scott." Haley watched him walk away, giving him a pained smile before returning to her bed, snuggling in beside Nathan, who leaned closer to her body, wrapping himself around her possesively. She kissed the crook of his elbow, then his forehead, turning on her side, hoping everything would be okay.

Nathan listened as his girlfriend's breathing steadied and she was swept away in a dreamless, peaceful sleep. He had heard every word his father and Haley had said, and it disturbed him some. How could his father actually do that to him? After all their work to make their relationship better, and he just goes and screws it up in a blink of the eye over a woman! Like Haley had said, he was so mad at his father for lying, not for having a girlfriend. He had accepted the fact that his father had to move on long ago, but it hurt that he was not privy to this information.

"No, Dad," Haley whimpered, twisting beside him in the bed. He watched her, wondering when he should interfere with her dream, if he should at all. Maybe Nathan did too much of that-interfering.

He stifled a yawn, climbing out of Haley's comfortable bed, stretching his tense muscles and letting his eyes adjust to the darkness instead of stumbling around foolishly looking for the door. He found the door quickly, looking back at Haley before leaving the room for across the hall, to his best friend.

"What the hell-"

"Lucas, your mother would be ashamed if she heard you talking like that," Nathan chastised, smirking at the blond.

"She'd kick your ass for waking her son up at two in the morning. She's already pretty mad because you showed up out of the blue at like midnight-"

"Yeah right! Your mom loves me, Luke. Now, can I come in or are we going to have this conversation outside your door?"

"Get on in here, knucklehead."

"Bedpan Boy…" Nathan taunted, throwing himself onto his favorite couch, facing toward the bed.

"Are you ever going to let me live that down?"

"No chance in hell."

"Great. Just great," Lucas said sarcastically, quirking an eyebrow. "So, what's up?"

"My dad got a girlfriend."

"What? When? What's her name? Is she hot? Sweet?"

"I dunno. He's had this same girlfriend for like three weeks and decided not to tell me."

"Oh."

"Yeah." Nathan grabbed the small basketball, throwing it against the back of the basketball net, watching it sink in. "We've been through so freaking much since my mom and my sister died, and I thought that he could at least tell me stuff like this. He knew that I wasn't going to be a pain in the ass about him having a girlfriend and yet he still hid it. God, I wish I could hit him or something-anything to relieve the betrayal."

"Go jump in a pool."

"With my unbeliveably shitty luck, I'd end up with a broken leg and in the hospital again," Nathan noted, looking at Lucas. "He told me her name's Elisabeth. She's a chef and she knew my mom and they bumped into each other a couple of weeks ago and she asked how I was doing and she's seems nice-"

"You'll get to find out, Nathan. You know you will. As much as your dad has lied to you about this, you know it'd come out sometime, and then he'd introduce her-"

"But he didn't do that! He didn't do anything!"

"I know, Nathan, but maybe it wasn't the right time for him and by time he did work up the courage to tell you you'd already found out and the shit hit the fan and you were pissed; that's totally acceptable, of course."

"I guess…but now I feel bad for running out on him without letting him explain; he came over tonight to make sure I was here and that I was okay and hadn't run away or gone to get some speed-"

"Would you have?"

"The real question you should be asking is did I? And that answer would be no. It's gonna be no-from now on it's gonna be no."

"Nathan, I know you wouldn't. I was kidding."

"Funny."

"Hey, you're the one who came in here looking for advise from the sleeping boy-expect me to make jabs!"

"I know. So, how are you and Becca?"

"Okay, I guess. I love her, but she isn't Brooke. I don't think anyone is going to be my Brooke again."

"You know, Brooke would tell you to go after this girl if you like her so much. I think Brooke would be right," Nathan whispered, biting his bottom lip. He didn't try to think about his sister often-it just hurt too much and made him realize how a piece of him would always be missing because she wasn't there.

"How often do you think about her?"

"Who?"

"Brooke? Your mom?"

Nathan glanced at his best friend, back to the wall. "All the time. And I try my damn hardest not to," he replied, "It always hurts when I think about them. Is my mom proud of me? What would they say about the drugs? Are they happy in heaven? I sit in class sometimes and just think about those questions, trying to come up with answers that never come."

"You know they'd be proud of you, right? Of how far you've come?"

"I hope they would be," Nathan replied standing up. "Thanks for the talk, Bedpan Boy, but I must return to my fair lady before she skins me alive."

"Have fun with that."

"I will. I usually do."

As he climbed back into the warm bed beside Haley, he melted into her body, wishing every day could end like this.

**JANUARY, SENIOR YEAR**

The buzzer rang, signaling the start to the third quarter of the game that would determine the Ravens future. Fifteen more minutes to prove their worth, to prove that they were the best of the best in the district. Nathan rolled his neck, looking at Haley, sitting beside his father and Elisabeth. Elisabeth intrigued Nathan; she was so different from his mom, but he could see how the two were friends. She had brightened up the life of the Scott household when she had moved in in late July; even more so when his dad asked her to marry him in late October.

"Nate, your head in the game?" Lucas asked as they walked back to the court. Nathan nodded, smirking at him before turning to the scoreboard: 54-65, Ravens. Whitey was happy, and as this was one of the biggest games of the season, many scouts were there, watching the Ravens steamroll the other team.

"Let's do this, Bedpan Boy," Nathan retorted, clapping Lucas on the back. 

In the end, they won, and they one the trophy and a spot in the state playoffs. Haley came running down to Nathan, throwing herself at him in joy and admiration. Their love had never dwindled for one another. She was still the thing that could make his heart pitter-patter, and he was her life.

"I love you," she murmured against his lips, and once again, he realized that this wasn't just some illusion; it was his life.

And that was one thing he was so thankful and happy about.


End file.
